….1 v8 splash, I yogurt, 2 pieces of chicken, 1 poptart, all that I “ate” butreallyitwasfedtomydog/downthesink…. I kinda hate wasting food, but I hate eating food more, so whatev.
Today I ate: chicken burger w/ bun, lettuce and red onions, minimal amts of mustard/hot sauce on it. I am guessing its 400 cals. 2 small sips of vb splash and 1/5 of a piece of pound cake 100 cal. Cheese 100 cal, and cooked mixed veggies 70 cal. Oh and loads of black coffee as always :)
Total: 670. L (btw I always over estimate my calories consumed, just to be extra careful)
I did go to the gym w/ my mom. We stayed for a little over a hour and I did 70 mins of cardio, I burnt 650 cals….ugh I need to stay staying at the gym longer, during the winter I would stay for 1 hr and 40 mins usually and id burn 800 cals on average…. Sooo I am significantly more lazy then I once was…..actually I think its cuz I am outta school for summer break, cuz during the school year me and my sister wake up at 5 am, hit the gym at 6 am, come home from the gym around 8am and shower and get ready to go to school, so its more of a structured schedule/daily habit. But since its summer my sister is off doing her own thing all the time/working, and so I end up going to the gym with my mom instead and she only stays for 70 mins.
I weighed 110 today, so right now my weight is in the 110-112ish range. I can't wait for it to drop to the 103-105ish range!
Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut at a sorta high end salon, so my haircut will be overpriced but I am hoping it will turn out really good because I could really use a good haircut. My hair is total shit, basically the only time it looks good is when I curl it, because I am pretty skilled with a curling iron and curling my hair makes it look super voluminous and shiny…..the whole starvation/malnourished thing has basically made my hair go to hell….oh well, its another sacrifice I make for the end goal.
Stay strong <3
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
My introduction….sorry so long :/
I guess this post will be my introduction/some background info on me. Warning it will probably be long and rantey, but you can get to know me so read it!
Height: 5' 3"/5' 4"ish
CW: 112
LW: 103
HW: 135
First of all i have never used blogger/gmail before, so therefore i fear i might be technically challenged for a while until i get used to it, so forgive me in advance. I am used to vox & yahoo.
my name is not noelle, but i decided to pick some random name that you all can refer to me as, because if my true identity would be revealed i would be mortified and probably locked away at some inpatient facility asap....so neither of those can happen, hence i am noelle. I picked the name by flipping through a mythology book and using the first female name i encountered.
anyways....onto more relevant topics:
everything else about me is real. I am 19, i am a full time student, i graduate with my bachelors degree this spring!
Eating wise, i have always been pretty screwey. i remember being very young, like 3rd grade, watching tv seeing girls in their bikinis on the beach and thinking "if i stop eating i can look like that". I did a few sports where the lower the weight the more desirable of an athlete you are, and that was triggering. other people probably wouldn't call me fat, but i call myself fat. because in my mind averagely slim/healthy weight/in shape=FAT. I overeat until my stomach is about to burst then i starve for days. mostly starving though. i love me some black coffee, diet sunkist, and apples!
in 2008 i had a BF i adored, an amazing job, i was about to graduate high school, i had been accepted to the university i had always wanted to go to, i had a really active social life, i was really happy......which is rare for me.....and the result of that all was me gaining weight, i went from 117ish to 135ish. i hated my body, my clothes got tighter but for some crazy reason i didn’t mind that much, and i just kept eating, its like crazyyyy to think about now, it is soo different then what i do now. i knew how to lose weight, i knew no food in=fat leaving body, but for some reason i wasn't ready to commit to doing that, like i had before i didnt have the need to be skinny like i do now.
My first year at the university was wayyy different for me, lots of changes, i lost touch with so many ppl, i lost my wonderful job, everyone moved away to different colleges and such,. then around January 2009 something changed, i don’t know what exactly, but my mind shifted from being okay with being fat to being completely disgusted and horrified with me beign fat. i started starving once again, and i lost weight, my family got a gym membership and i was ecstatic, i would work out nearly every day, and even more weight came off. between January and march i had gone from 135 to 110. hell yeah.
at first i didn’t even weigh myself or keep track of the weight. i had a case of scale phobia. i wore sweats/gym clothes to school every single day winter quarter (sloppy yes i know) and so i never realized that all my jeans/clothes were way too small on me. then one day when my friend was coming in town to visit i realized i needed to get ready do the hair, wear nice clothes, etc. and i tried on my jeans, and i was blown away by how huge they were on me, i hoped on the scale and i noticed a 20ish lb weight loss, i was thrilled. ever since then i have been seriously unable to stop,
i loved the attention and the gasps i got from her when she saw my new figure, i loved feeling empty, feeling dizzy, saying no, drinking tea and diet pop for breaky lunch and dinner, hiding food from my parents, faking like i ate meals, discovering the lowest cal foods. it is like a constant challenge or task or something for me and i love making progress and getting smaller, something i can control and measure.
i got to my lowest 103 around spring of 2009....by then the light bulb turned on in my family’s head, and they started pestering me about if i ate, how i looked sick, how i wasn’t allowed to go to the gym, they would make me hop on the scale and weigh myself, they yelled at me and i would cry and tell them that i was fine and that they were crazy/delusional and that i ate and that i was healthy and that they were punishing me for being healthy (all BS lies of course) they would watch me eat my meals, they would bake my favorite foods in order to try to trigger me to binge...and in the battle of noelle vs food/family they were winning. they yelled at me when i would wear scarves saying how i was just trying to "hide my bones from them" (damn they are smart...lol) when i would say i had cereal for breakfast my mom would say "oh you mean you faked having cereal" (once again fuuckkk they were catching on) sooo my disordered ways kinda got put on hold.....they watched me like a hawk and they made me eat, and i gained weight.
then it was summer, i had to finish pre reqs so i took classes at a community college. for some reason summer school was really stressing me out/challenging. i think it was just the pressure to get 4.0s that made me freaking worry about school so much, but i studied so much/stressed so much over school that i didn’t go to the gym once all summer....and since i had "fattened up" i wasss allowed to go to the gym once again, but i didn’t have time.
so now summer school is over, school is starting again in the fall, i have been working my ass off to get back to where i was before my family intervened. hopefully they think all is well and dandy and that my starving phase is over....hopefully the baggy winter/fall clothes will help me out also, hopefully i can fool them all, and this time not let them stop me.....over my "fattening up" i went from 103 to about 119! eek! butttt now i am back down to 112, and i want the number to get lower and my body to shrink smaller.
this blog is just for me to connect with other ppl who are doing what i am doing food wise. but yeah, i am wanting support. i know what i am doing effs up my body, i know my mind/perceptions are a little...or a lot....messed up, i know there are other ways to loose weight, but i dont want any of that. i want to do this for so many reasons, i know what i do is pretty mad, but i also think if i didnt starve i would be in a lot worse shape.this is my control, my body, something i want and need to have. when i am not eating i am good and i am happy, when i eat i feel like a miserable fat failure. i like to keep track of myself so this blog can help me do that.
i promise i won’t write posts this freekign long daily, don’t let this massive first one scare you off! & for some reason my auto cap is messed up so sry for limited caps in this post.
Height: 5' 3"/5' 4"ish
CW: 112
LW: 103
HW: 135
First of all i have never used blogger/gmail before, so therefore i fear i might be technically challenged for a while until i get used to it, so forgive me in advance. I am used to vox & yahoo.
my name is not noelle, but i decided to pick some random name that you all can refer to me as, because if my true identity would be revealed i would be mortified and probably locked away at some inpatient facility asap....so neither of those can happen, hence i am noelle. I picked the name by flipping through a mythology book and using the first female name i encountered.
anyways....onto more relevant topics:
everything else about me is real. I am 19, i am a full time student, i graduate with my bachelors degree this spring!
Eating wise, i have always been pretty screwey. i remember being very young, like 3rd grade, watching tv seeing girls in their bikinis on the beach and thinking "if i stop eating i can look like that". I did a few sports where the lower the weight the more desirable of an athlete you are, and that was triggering. other people probably wouldn't call me fat, but i call myself fat. because in my mind averagely slim/healthy weight/in shape=FAT. I overeat until my stomach is about to burst then i starve for days. mostly starving though. i love me some black coffee, diet sunkist, and apples!
in 2008 i had a BF i adored, an amazing job, i was about to graduate high school, i had been accepted to the university i had always wanted to go to, i had a really active social life, i was really happy......which is rare for me.....and the result of that all was me gaining weight, i went from 117ish to 135ish. i hated my body, my clothes got tighter but for some crazy reason i didn’t mind that much, and i just kept eating, its like crazyyyy to think about now, it is soo different then what i do now. i knew how to lose weight, i knew no food in=fat leaving body, but for some reason i wasn't ready to commit to doing that, like i had before i didnt have the need to be skinny like i do now.
My first year at the university was wayyy different for me, lots of changes, i lost touch with so many ppl, i lost my wonderful job, everyone moved away to different colleges and such,. then around January 2009 something changed, i don’t know what exactly, but my mind shifted from being okay with being fat to being completely disgusted and horrified with me beign fat. i started starving once again, and i lost weight, my family got a gym membership and i was ecstatic, i would work out nearly every day, and even more weight came off. between January and march i had gone from 135 to 110. hell yeah.
at first i didn’t even weigh myself or keep track of the weight. i had a case of scale phobia. i wore sweats/gym clothes to school every single day winter quarter (sloppy yes i know) and so i never realized that all my jeans/clothes were way too small on me. then one day when my friend was coming in town to visit i realized i needed to get ready do the hair, wear nice clothes, etc. and i tried on my jeans, and i was blown away by how huge they were on me, i hoped on the scale and i noticed a 20ish lb weight loss, i was thrilled. ever since then i have been seriously unable to stop,
i loved the attention and the gasps i got from her when she saw my new figure, i loved feeling empty, feeling dizzy, saying no, drinking tea and diet pop for breaky lunch and dinner, hiding food from my parents, faking like i ate meals, discovering the lowest cal foods. it is like a constant challenge or task or something for me and i love making progress and getting smaller, something i can control and measure.
i got to my lowest 103 around spring of 2009....by then the light bulb turned on in my family’s head, and they started pestering me about if i ate, how i looked sick, how i wasn’t allowed to go to the gym, they would make me hop on the scale and weigh myself, they yelled at me and i would cry and tell them that i was fine and that they were crazy/delusional and that i ate and that i was healthy and that they were punishing me for being healthy (all BS lies of course) they would watch me eat my meals, they would bake my favorite foods in order to try to trigger me to binge...and in the battle of noelle vs food/family they were winning. they yelled at me when i would wear scarves saying how i was just trying to "hide my bones from them" (damn they are smart...lol) when i would say i had cereal for breakfast my mom would say "oh you mean you faked having cereal" (once again fuuckkk they were catching on) sooo my disordered ways kinda got put on hold.....they watched me like a hawk and they made me eat, and i gained weight.
then it was summer, i had to finish pre reqs so i took classes at a community college. for some reason summer school was really stressing me out/challenging. i think it was just the pressure to get 4.0s that made me freaking worry about school so much, but i studied so much/stressed so much over school that i didn’t go to the gym once all summer....and since i had "fattened up" i wasss allowed to go to the gym once again, but i didn’t have time.
so now summer school is over, school is starting again in the fall, i have been working my ass off to get back to where i was before my family intervened. hopefully they think all is well and dandy and that my starving phase is over....hopefully the baggy winter/fall clothes will help me out also, hopefully i can fool them all, and this time not let them stop me.....over my "fattening up" i went from 103 to about 119! eek! butttt now i am back down to 112, and i want the number to get lower and my body to shrink smaller.
this blog is just for me to connect with other ppl who are doing what i am doing food wise. but yeah, i am wanting support. i know what i am doing effs up my body, i know my mind/perceptions are a little...or a lot....messed up, i know there are other ways to loose weight, but i dont want any of that. i want to do this for so many reasons, i know what i do is pretty mad, but i also think if i didnt starve i would be in a lot worse shape.this is my control, my body, something i want and need to have. when i am not eating i am good and i am happy, when i eat i feel like a miserable fat failure. i like to keep track of myself so this blog can help me do that.
i promise i won’t write posts this freekign long daily, don’t let this massive first one scare you off! & for some reason my auto cap is messed up so sry for limited caps in this post.
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