So I weighed 115 this morning! but I always weigh less in the am. I’m on winter break! Thank god! My best friend is in town she brought me Wasted to borrow, I am reading it, I read about half of it and never finished. I am underlining my favorite quotes in pencil and plan on typing them up. The author articulates things that I relate to SO much, SO well, and it is refreshing to hear someone else who “gets it”. My best friend also got me a Christmas present, haha its wrapped but it is OBVIOUSE it is a book, by the thin wrapping paper and the feel of it, and ED-ish book of course. OMG I love her, she knows me so well. And I love ED boks so much, but I never buy them because I am 1. Cheap and 2. Don’t want my parents to find them in my room and be like wtf.

I want to see black swan BAD!
I have spent a ridiculous amt of money (for someone who is a college student w/ no job) at victoria’s secret buying super super sexy underwear...specifically the lacie hiphugger and very sexy cheeky

My winter break has been amazing so far, I am so happy to be done with fall qtr!!
Ive been eating very little lately, I think mostly because I have been OUT of my house shopping, visitng friends, etc. but I haven’t been to the gym because yesterday was my first official day of break and I slept the hell in till 11am because i was exhausted from cramming for finals, and I had plans at 1am and shit to do around the house so I couldn’t schedule it. Oh well I needed to catch up on sleep I had been running on about 3hrs or less per night all week. today I ate 1 sugar cookie I made the other day, lol it was an angel sugar cookie, I ate everything but it’s head, haha no clue why, but every calorie counts right?
I hope you all are feeling and doing as well as me. <3

Good mood today! It was my last day of clinical/labs for school. I passed the giving of an adult physical exam/assessment. Woo! Haha, I had to examine one of my fellow classmates from head to toe, and they did the same for me and our instructor evaluated us. What’s sad is how healthy I am, and I feel that the fact that I am healthy is because I am so FAT!. When I was my smallest, my nails were blue, my cap refill was sluggish, my pulse thready and weak, my stomach concave, my heartrate slow, hair was falling out/horrible looking. But I am “within normal limits” for just about everything. Haha, but it was just a BASIC exam, so they didn’t go that in-depth

I eat on days I have labs/clinical because one day I passed out in the nursing lab from lack of food/water. And it was mortifying, and it CANT happen again or my instructors might sit me down for a “why the fuck do you keep passing out” chat. So I ate granola and an orange (600ish). Then after me & my lab partner got checked off he was like good job, and gave me some peppermint-whicte choc candies. And I was really happy and I ate one! But I was so excited because we did KICK ASS on our exams, and we worked well with each other and passed, phew! And I thought it was sweet, no one every does anything nice for me. The other 2 I think I will just keep as a reminder of a job well done. Holy shit that candy I ate says it 200 cals, I just checked! WOW! I never would have guessed, but I never would have ate that candy so I don’t have candy nutrition info memorized like I do the averages for every other food in the world.

Im still feeling snotty and sick and when I deep breath I cough, so I don’t want to go to the gym, cuz I want to feel better, so I wont be sick for my damn winter break AND I HATE it when there is someone next to me at the gym hacking up a lung….mainly because nursing school has made me into a germ-a-phobe!!!

I wanna be 110 by jan 5th. I am gonna weigh myself on Saturday. I have a weightloss goal of 1lb per week, MINIMUM.

WOW long ass time no post! Forget about me? Haha, im so bad for neglecting blogger/ you all, but I realize how much I miss it and how accountable and motivated it made me. I weigh 116ish at the moment. Booo! But that NEEDS to change. I have unshakeable motivation now.

SO I just found out the blogging site vox is no longer in existence. When I was my absolute skinniest, like 100-103ish I had a vox blog that was totally private, no one could view it/read it but me, but now since the website is no longer in existence my blog is gone! Ahh, sad, its like a year of my life is deleted! I would often look back at the posts I made and I was amazed by how good I starved, how hard I gymmed, etc. I was so different then, so reading back on it was nice, and all those memories have disappeared now. Sad.

So I am pretty sick at the moment, swollen lymph nodes, coughing up phlem, sore throat runny nose, gross gross, sick nasty, so I definitely won’t be going to the gym, I want to recover from my sickness soon, cuz I just feel achey and miserable.

I am currently in my first quarter of nursing school! Exciting! I love it, but it is hard, obviously. I now realize whyyyyy there is a nurse shortage, haha because it is so easy to flunk out of nursing school/fuck something up/lose your license. It’s a demanding job/school, but I am determined to graduate! oh also any grade below a B is “failing” so if you get a B- in one of your classes you are kicked out of the program. Different states/schools have different standards but the program I am in it is a B or better. WHICH is an easy grade to earn, but still its intimidating because you have only a small room for error. Okay I know no one cares about that cuz it is irrelevant to weight loss, just kinda wanted to vent though…. Oh and I have final exams this week/next week. I just want to be a tiny skinny pretty nurse when I grow up, that’s all I want!

I want to be 100-105ish by march. So bad. I want it all back, I want my control, I want people to describe me as skinny, I want people to wonder and worry when they see me, I want fat girls to hate their life when they look at me, I want to be the smallest girl in the nursing program, I want to LIVE in a bikini this summer, I want to wear all my tiny size 0 jeans again, I want skinny!

I'm back/questions for youuu to answer!

Im back! Missed you all terribly!! Omg so long since I have wrote. Holy shit. I fell off track BIG TIME, I weigh 120ish now, which is sad, considering I was like 107 on new years eve when I last wrote I think.

The last 6 months summed up: I graduated magna cum ladue from my university! Wooo! graduation was such a happy day for me. I was thinking about posting some of my grad pics, but I am wearing the ugly cap & gown in most of them so they really don’t show how my body is at all, haha. Uhm school/my graduation project was kinda killer so I went to the gym not that often the last 6 months. I feel so fat and so ugly and my skin is breaking out pretty bad for me. I am constantly annoyed at my family because they tell me I am skinny/pretty and a freak and that IIIIII am the only one who thinks I am fat/ugly, uhm bull fuckign shit, I don’t know why they constantly must lie to me. It makes me pissed off when they call me skinny, I will SHOW them skinny.

Shit, I feel bad for not following up with anyone’s blogs in SO long. PLEASE tell me: the happiest thing that has happened to you/any big/exciting news/the saddest/most disappointing thing that has happened in the last 6 months, etc. etc. just give me like a 7 sentence summary so I can feel like I know whats-a-goin-on with everyone, I feel so left out!!! please reply!...even if its just to say hello :)

Ill try to post more often ish, I probablly wont write for like a week, lets hope I am 115 by then. I feel so huge. I know I wont be happy till I am skinny, so I better go make myself skinny asap. <3

Leave of absence

I’m not gonna be able to blog for a while. Sad sad sad!!! I promise I will be back though, so don’t abandon me just yet! I will update with all the good news when i return, and hopefully when I return in a month or so everyone will be significantly smaller! Love you all I will miss you all much, but I will be back, so no worries. Do amazing, don’t eat, its never worth it, ever….at least that’s what I tell myself. <3 talk you all soonish. I hope when I return there is only good news and progress for us both to share!