Midterms.
One Nov 2nd, one Nov 4th, one Nov 9th. So I must study like crazy, andddd try to keep up with the re-fucking-diculose amts of reading my professors assign!! Annnndd keep up with the lame papers I have to write!!!!!! Ahhh!!!! Like I came home from school on wed night and I see my older sis, and she said exactly what I was thinking: “yeah no gym time” and I was like “ yeah no gym for a week, midterms” and that was that. It seems almost impossible for me to be able to get done everything I need to get done. I am going to have to just not do the readings for my classes and just scramble to catch up after midterms, because right now my priority is acing these fatty exams worth nearly half my grade. Fuck fuck fuckkkkk.
This makes me sad, because I legitimately don’t have the time to go to the gym, unless I want to do significantly worse on my exams then I would like to. Sooo I will be posting veryyy little until this hellish week gets over. Godddd, whyyyy did my school have to start a week later this fall? Like now midterms are during Halloween! Last year I am pretty sure I was done with them before Halloween!
No gym.no food.loads of caffine, that’s my plan for the week, ill let u know how it goes!
Friday, October 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
10-27-09
Gym time: burnt 600ish cals.
Today I ate: craisins (140 cal) 30 green grapes (too lazy to check cals) I pecan (also too lazy to do the math to divide and figure out what 1 pecan is) I spoonful of angel food cake batter (cuz I was curious if angel food cake batter is any good….its not btw) 3 cups black coffee (0 cals) 2 diet pepsi (0 cals)
I texted with my best friend for a bit, she has had “perfect days” the last 2 days, which is great for her, and motivated me to do well/resisting temptations. My other good friend told me she lost 7lbs since her and her bf broke up, so everyone I know is involved in the totally unhealthy-lack of eating habits thing, which is nice for me. My friend asked me for a recommendation of what cigarettes to buy, cuz she wanted to “take the edge off”…not quite sure what she meant by that, but I was happy to offer my advice. A “good friend” would say “no don’t smoke, its horrible for you” but iiiiiii think being a good friend is supporting the decisions of one’s friends, and not lecturing them, unless they are willing to learn.
I need to buy: diet pop (Sunkist, dr pepper, cherry coke zero), more millstone coffee, or other flavored grounds that are 0 cals, more sports bras, more sugar free gum, sugar free cream savers, sugar free jello,
Dinner was hamburgers. Ughhh, I hate hamburgers for dinner because I HAVE to eat the entire burger, like there is no avoiding it, I cant say “mom I only want a half a burger” she would flip abitch on me and tell me to eat the entire burger….. like foods like pastas or spaghettis or soups I can get away with sneaking a littttlle tinyyy portion of them, without the entire family totally noticing I am trying to eat very little. So blah. Hamburger (500 cals max I will guess)
My mom made strawberry shortcake! Yum! I totally resisted it, and pretended to be asleep when she was yelling for me to come have some. Goddd. I went a little bit crazy for a while it was soo hard to not eat something sweet, I was like pacing around, my mind was racing then I just told myself no way was I going to add to my fatness. Andddd I practiced self control! Yay for me I guess, even though I shouldn’t have ate the random weird snacks I ate earlier (grapes and crasisns and the spoon full of batter and the one pecan (lol random) )
<3>
Today I ate: craisins (140 cal) 30 green grapes (too lazy to check cals) I pecan (also too lazy to do the math to divide and figure out what 1 pecan is) I spoonful of angel food cake batter (cuz I was curious if angel food cake batter is any good….its not btw) 3 cups black coffee (0 cals) 2 diet pepsi (0 cals)
I texted with my best friend for a bit, she has had “perfect days” the last 2 days, which is great for her, and motivated me to do well/resisting temptations. My other good friend told me she lost 7lbs since her and her bf broke up, so everyone I know is involved in the totally unhealthy-lack of eating habits thing, which is nice for me. My friend asked me for a recommendation of what cigarettes to buy, cuz she wanted to “take the edge off”…not quite sure what she meant by that, but I was happy to offer my advice. A “good friend” would say “no don’t smoke, its horrible for you” but iiiiiii think being a good friend is supporting the decisions of one’s friends, and not lecturing them, unless they are willing to learn.
I need to buy: diet pop (Sunkist, dr pepper, cherry coke zero), more millstone coffee, or other flavored grounds that are 0 cals, more sports bras, more sugar free gum, sugar free cream savers, sugar free jello,
Dinner was hamburgers. Ughhh, I hate hamburgers for dinner because I HAVE to eat the entire burger, like there is no avoiding it, I cant say “mom I only want a half a burger” she would flip abitch on me and tell me to eat the entire burger….. like foods like pastas or spaghettis or soups I can get away with sneaking a littttlle tinyyy portion of them, without the entire family totally noticing I am trying to eat very little. So blah. Hamburger (500 cals max I will guess)
My mom made strawberry shortcake! Yum! I totally resisted it, and pretended to be asleep when she was yelling for me to come have some. Goddd. I went a little bit crazy for a while it was soo hard to not eat something sweet, I was like pacing around, my mind was racing then I just told myself no way was I going to add to my fatness. Andddd I practiced self control! Yay for me I guess, even though I shouldn’t have ate the random weird snacks I ate earlier (grapes and crasisns and the spoon full of batter and the one pecan (lol random) )
<3>
Monday, October 26, 2009
I kicked ass today!
So gym at 6am. Burnt 700 cals. Came home drank coffee coffee lots of coffee. Shower, school. I bought a sugar free Americano … entirely in change I found in my car, I barely had enough to pay for it. Then while in the coffee shop my ring slipped off my finger and fell onto the floor and shattered into 4 pieces! I was so sad, it’s my favorite ring ever, it’s made out of bone, and it has these cool carvings on it, and I get loads of compliments on it, and I consider it to be lucky, and now I am super sad that it is shattered to pieces.
I came home and my mom and sister were gone, and there was a pot of homemade chicken noodle soup on the stove (my little sister is sick) and so I scooped the tiniest scoop into the bowl, ate it (it was maybe like 8 spoons full…) and then poured myself a cup of coffee and got the hell out of the kitchen. So when my mom came home, the dirty dish was evidence of me eating dinner, so I got away with avoiding dinner, which is rare. The few spoon fulls of soup had to be less than 100 cals. So overall I did great eating wise today.
My best friend and I have a goal to loose 10 lbs by winter break (2 months, totally doable) I mean I have lost 20 lbs in 2 months before so 10lbs in 2 months should be possible. And then we will celebrate our success some way, like maybe we will go to the aquarium, or go buy new gym shorts, or something fun like that. I just need to remember it is never worth it to eat, never ever ever. I am never happy enough with my body to eat, I never feel good about myself after I eat, so I need to just remember all those things. I love knowing and feeling superhuman and totally in control and disciplined.
Rant time:
My xbf’s parents are total assholes to me. Like for some reason whenever I would go to his house they would just try to belittle me, or talk down on me, or embarrass me, or make me feel stupid or wrong, and I hated it and I didn’t understand it….i mean I still don’t understand it, whyyy does a 50 year old dad feel the need to make his son’s 18 year old girlfriend feel like shit? I feel like they were always “competing” with me, or trying to one-up me at everything, but I totally wasn’t trying to do that to them. Like maybe they are just super insecure, or jealous, or who knows what. I mean I was a wonderful GF to their son, I really was. I was polite, I dressed nice, I would occasionally bake cookies or scones and bring them to his family, I always tried to talk to his parents and like get to know them, and I was sincere about it all, but for some totally unknown reason they hated me. I honestly have no.clue.why.
So since they talked down on me/tried to make me feel like a dumbass/were mean to me/etc. etc. I like started to believe it, and I got CRAZILY insecure. Like they just cut and cut and cut all my self esteem away, slowly, piece by piece. I mean all my insecurities were compounded by like 50 times. I used to be sorta happy/sorta okay with my looks/sorta confident, but because of their constant negativity, and degrading I started to feel worse and worse about myself. This sounds stupid as fuck, but one of the MAIN reasons I decided to hardcore start loosing weight back in January was so his parents would like me more…. I mean I had done everything else I could possibly think of to make them like me, so I thought maybe if I am skinny they will see me in a better light, and I thought maybe they just don’t like me because I am fat. And when I did lose the weight they were really shocked and surprised, and they noticed it, and they were impressed, and I felt a slight rush of happiness that they noticed, and that my hard work paid off……but it didn’t change anything they still were total bitches to me, but they did notice, they did get a reaction, and I am guessing they were a bit jealous, because I mean honestly everyone knows that whenever you see someone you know lose weight it makes you feel jealous/feel sad because you think “god damnit theyyyy lost weight, why can’t I lose weight?” and you get jealous of their determination/motivation/self control….(because let’s face it most people dontttt have the determination/motivation/self control to loose weight). It is something that still bugs me, that his parents never accepted me. It really gets to me. Me and my X-bf still talk every now and then, and like this is fucked up and weird and confusing, but I honestly REALLY want to loose a ton of weight, and then go over to his house and have his parents notice, and gasp at how small I am. I just want a reaction from them for some reason. I think it is because theyyy totally tore away all my self esteem, and so the only way I think I can “heal” and feel somewhat better about myself is if I get that gasping/surprised/shocked/amazed reaction from them regarding my weight loss. So one of the only reasons I even maintain contact with my X-bf is so I can eventually go over to his house and get the reaction I NEED from his parents…..yes this is all a little nuts….i am aware of that…but it’s the total and complete truth, even though it is crazy and odd for probably all of you to understand.
I came home and my mom and sister were gone, and there was a pot of homemade chicken noodle soup on the stove (my little sister is sick) and so I scooped the tiniest scoop into the bowl, ate it (it was maybe like 8 spoons full…) and then poured myself a cup of coffee and got the hell out of the kitchen. So when my mom came home, the dirty dish was evidence of me eating dinner, so I got away with avoiding dinner, which is rare. The few spoon fulls of soup had to be less than 100 cals. So overall I did great eating wise today.
My best friend and I have a goal to loose 10 lbs by winter break (2 months, totally doable) I mean I have lost 20 lbs in 2 months before so 10lbs in 2 months should be possible. And then we will celebrate our success some way, like maybe we will go to the aquarium, or go buy new gym shorts, or something fun like that. I just need to remember it is never worth it to eat, never ever ever. I am never happy enough with my body to eat, I never feel good about myself after I eat, so I need to just remember all those things. I love knowing and feeling superhuman and totally in control and disciplined.
Rant time:
My xbf’s parents are total assholes to me. Like for some reason whenever I would go to his house they would just try to belittle me, or talk down on me, or embarrass me, or make me feel stupid or wrong, and I hated it and I didn’t understand it….i mean I still don’t understand it, whyyy does a 50 year old dad feel the need to make his son’s 18 year old girlfriend feel like shit? I feel like they were always “competing” with me, or trying to one-up me at everything, but I totally wasn’t trying to do that to them. Like maybe they are just super insecure, or jealous, or who knows what. I mean I was a wonderful GF to their son, I really was. I was polite, I dressed nice, I would occasionally bake cookies or scones and bring them to his family, I always tried to talk to his parents and like get to know them, and I was sincere about it all, but for some totally unknown reason they hated me. I honestly have no.clue.why.
So since they talked down on me/tried to make me feel like a dumbass/were mean to me/etc. etc. I like started to believe it, and I got CRAZILY insecure. Like they just cut and cut and cut all my self esteem away, slowly, piece by piece. I mean all my insecurities were compounded by like 50 times. I used to be sorta happy/sorta okay with my looks/sorta confident, but because of their constant negativity, and degrading I started to feel worse and worse about myself. This sounds stupid as fuck, but one of the MAIN reasons I decided to hardcore start loosing weight back in January was so his parents would like me more…. I mean I had done everything else I could possibly think of to make them like me, so I thought maybe if I am skinny they will see me in a better light, and I thought maybe they just don’t like me because I am fat. And when I did lose the weight they were really shocked and surprised, and they noticed it, and they were impressed, and I felt a slight rush of happiness that they noticed, and that my hard work paid off……but it didn’t change anything they still were total bitches to me, but they did notice, they did get a reaction, and I am guessing they were a bit jealous, because I mean honestly everyone knows that whenever you see someone you know lose weight it makes you feel jealous/feel sad because you think “god damnit theyyyy lost weight, why can’t I lose weight?” and you get jealous of their determination/motivation/self control….(because let’s face it most people dontttt have the determination/motivation/self control to loose weight). It is something that still bugs me, that his parents never accepted me. It really gets to me. Me and my X-bf still talk every now and then, and like this is fucked up and weird and confusing, but I honestly REALLY want to loose a ton of weight, and then go over to his house and have his parents notice, and gasp at how small I am. I just want a reaction from them for some reason. I think it is because theyyy totally tore away all my self esteem, and so the only way I think I can “heal” and feel somewhat better about myself is if I get that gasping/surprised/shocked/amazed reaction from them regarding my weight loss. So one of the only reasons I even maintain contact with my X-bf is so I can eventually go over to his house and get the reaction I NEED from his parents…..yes this is all a little nuts….i am aware of that…but it’s the total and complete truth, even though it is crazy and odd for probably all of you to understand.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
10-24
Sooo yesterday was going great I had done lots of studying, and ate no food, and even drank lots of h20! …until my mom came home and brought doughnuts! Ahh! And I seriously cant resist trying new foods. It sounds stupid but I HAVE to try something, because I get so curious my mind goes insane. Sooo I tried the chocolate coconut doughnut, and then I tried the other 2 flavors….just tried little pieces of them. Then for some reason I ended up eating the entire things, and then I ate a mini pizza, and then tortillas, and chicken, and milkyways. I am a horrible fat person. If I ever wondered why I am fat…uhh this is why. Fuckk meee. Full on binge…I thought I was like over my binges/totally done with them….apparently not….but I NEED to be. Ugh ugh ughhhhhhhh. I NEED to do better.
So today I went to the gym with my parents. They only stayed 50 mins…but I burnt 600ish cals in that amt of time, which is good….obviously I had a shit ton of energy for working out cuz of last night. I was burning like 11.7 cals per minute on the machine, I was sweating like crazy, while reading a women’s health magazine, it was a great workout overall.
Today I just drank loads and loads of coffee…to the point where my heart rate was sorta freaking me out. Then I had dinner my mom made, which was French bread and ravioli. Omg amazing. I could have ate the entire freekign bowl, but I kept it to a small small serving. It was hard. So no food today except the small dinner. Phew.
Also, I almost cried today because my mom sent me a text to look in the garage fridge, and so I did and there is a BOX of twix bars. Omg. Like a box of the full size ones. Holy shit. I looked at the calories for one, it was 280…I thought about eating half of one (140)…I thought about how I diiiiddd go to the gym today…then I picked one up…then I looked at the calories again…then I almost opened it….then I remembered what my best friend always says “its NEVER worth it”….and then I remembered how she says “calories cant make you happy”….then I remembered how if I ate the twix bar I would probably just want 10 more…then I put it down…closed the fridge and walked the hell away. It was a trip….then I went and grabbed a diet pepsi, ran upstairs and watched csi/some documentary on horrible crimes in attempt to distract myself/deter my appetite. Oh goodness.
I realized that on winter break I will most likely see people I haven’t seen in a long time, like my friends that will be coming home from their schools for winter break….that means extra reason to loose a shit ton of weight…I loveeeeee when ppl ask me “have you lost weight” it’s the golden question. I really want my friends I haven’t seen in a while to see me and gasp and then be jealous and feel like fat shit compared to me.
So today I went to the gym with my parents. They only stayed 50 mins…but I burnt 600ish cals in that amt of time, which is good….obviously I had a shit ton of energy for working out cuz of last night. I was burning like 11.7 cals per minute on the machine, I was sweating like crazy, while reading a women’s health magazine, it was a great workout overall.
Today I just drank loads and loads of coffee…to the point where my heart rate was sorta freaking me out. Then I had dinner my mom made, which was French bread and ravioli. Omg amazing. I could have ate the entire freekign bowl, but I kept it to a small small serving. It was hard. So no food today except the small dinner. Phew.
Also, I almost cried today because my mom sent me a text to look in the garage fridge, and so I did and there is a BOX of twix bars. Omg. Like a box of the full size ones. Holy shit. I looked at the calories for one, it was 280…I thought about eating half of one (140)…I thought about how I diiiiddd go to the gym today…then I picked one up…then I looked at the calories again…then I almost opened it….then I remembered what my best friend always says “its NEVER worth it”….and then I remembered how she says “calories cant make you happy”….then I remembered how if I ate the twix bar I would probably just want 10 more…then I put it down…closed the fridge and walked the hell away. It was a trip….then I went and grabbed a diet pepsi, ran upstairs and watched csi/some documentary on horrible crimes in attempt to distract myself/deter my appetite. Oh goodness.
I realized that on winter break I will most likely see people I haven’t seen in a long time, like my friends that will be coming home from their schools for winter break….that means extra reason to loose a shit ton of weight…I loveeeeee when ppl ask me “have you lost weight” it’s the golden question. I really want my friends I haven’t seen in a while to see me and gasp and then be jealous and feel like fat shit compared to me.
Friday, October 23, 2009
nice day
I ate: I small taco that I was forced to eat cuz I was home for dinner, I doubt it was over 400 calories. Oh and I also ate one oreo cookie 56.6 calories (yeah I shouldn’t have ate it I know)
Gym: I did cardio for 75 mins and I burnt 800 cals! (yay that’s higher then I usually do)I had lots of energy I didn’t feel tired at all, that’s probably because I went right after dinner with my mom instead of going in the morning.
I was sorta productive today, I did a lot of reading for one of my classes, 2 chapters took me 7 hours….no I am not retarded or a slow reader at all, the stuff I am reading about is just sooo dry/the chapters are HUGE…and the font is tiny! Then everyone came home from work/school and the house got all loud so I had to end my reading session.
I got to talk to my best friend today, so that was nice, she motivated me to do really well today, and look I did! I also did a little watercolor painting….totally could have spent that hour studying or reading….mehhh oh well.
I drank probably 5 cups of black coffee today, yumm.
I found my fm/am walkman today while I was looking through my desk drawers. Hahaha I got it when I was 6 for my birthday, it is a tape player/radio. I remember I got it and a Shania twain tape to go in it when I was 6. Lol I was so cool….sooo I put batteries in it and I have been listening to the radio on it, because for some reason the radio in my room only gets reception for a few stations, and all my favorite stations don’t come in too well.
God I can’t wait for winter break! I am going to dye my hair most likely, so that way if it looks leik total shit I can have 2 weeks to try to undo the damage, I am going to be able to actually hang out with friends and go places and do things and not spend my days stuck doing shit for school, I will be able to shop, I will be skinnier by then, I will knit some scarves, I will be able to sleep all day! Only 2 more months!
Gym: I did cardio for 75 mins and I burnt 800 cals! (yay that’s higher then I usually do)I had lots of energy I didn’t feel tired at all, that’s probably because I went right after dinner with my mom instead of going in the morning.
I was sorta productive today, I did a lot of reading for one of my classes, 2 chapters took me 7 hours….no I am not retarded or a slow reader at all, the stuff I am reading about is just sooo dry/the chapters are HUGE…and the font is tiny! Then everyone came home from work/school and the house got all loud so I had to end my reading session.
I got to talk to my best friend today, so that was nice, she motivated me to do really well today, and look I did! I also did a little watercolor painting….totally could have spent that hour studying or reading….mehhh oh well.
I drank probably 5 cups of black coffee today, yumm.
I found my fm/am walkman today while I was looking through my desk drawers. Hahaha I got it when I was 6 for my birthday, it is a tape player/radio. I remember I got it and a Shania twain tape to go in it when I was 6. Lol I was so cool….sooo I put batteries in it and I have been listening to the radio on it, because for some reason the radio in my room only gets reception for a few stations, and all my favorite stations don’t come in too well.
God I can’t wait for winter break! I am going to dye my hair most likely, so that way if it looks leik total shit I can have 2 weeks to try to undo the damage, I am going to be able to actually hang out with friends and go places and do things and not spend my days stuck doing shit for school, I will be able to shop, I will be skinnier by then, I will knit some scarves, I will be able to sleep all day! Only 2 more months!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Dear god!
me and my best friend talked about this concept once before, how no one knows I am smart unless they get to know me, no one knows I am nice unless they get to know me, no one knows I might be funny, or interesting, or caring, no one can know that unless they find out more about me. BUT being skinny is something people notice/see right off the bat, you don’t need to open your mouth, you don’t need to say or do anything. Its like getting recognition instantly. Because when you are thin people automatically think that wow that girl must have really good discipline/self control/ dedication to her body. Looks are honest, looks don’t lie. I want that instant recognition/gratification, because I feel that very few people actually know/think/believe I am smart, or nice, or a wonderful friend, or anything else positive about me.
My mom bought millstone vanilla flavored coffee! 0 cals! Woo! I will be drinking that all day, yumm! I haven’t been to the gym in fucking forever. I have been sleeping in during the morning/hanging out with friends/being lazy. I blame it on being depressed about school…..whichhh I have to go to my school and attend some political forum type events and write about them for a class. UGH! Like I don’t want to go to school on my day offfff of classes, but I have to. So I will be there all fucking day, because the forums are spaced apart…. Oh well at least I wont eat. Hopefully I will get some homework done in between the two events…
.
Monday, October 19, 2009
busy!
No food whatsoever today. Just a sugar free Americano. But no gym today or all weekend, which is horrible and pathetic of me. Ugh I have been so busy with school, and visiting friends all weekend. My legs hurt super bad. I have a super fun day planned tomorrow, but I don’t know what to wear, ugh.
I fuckign hate being so huge. I just wanted to yell today when I looked at myself in the mirror. I have to be TINY by winter break! thats like 2 months!
Don’t compliment me, don’t tell me I am pretty, don’t tell me I am skinny, because then I start to believe it and I let my guard down and I eat…..I am never going to be pretty enough or happy enough or small enough to eat. Goddd. My friend and her BF were both complimenting me like crazy when I was over there, like I seriously think everyone in the world is crazy. I am not pretty, I am like average. I am not skinny, I am once again average. Everyone is crazy.
I fuckign hate being so huge. I just wanted to yell today when I looked at myself in the mirror. I have to be TINY by winter break! thats like 2 months!
Don’t compliment me, don’t tell me I am pretty, don’t tell me I am skinny, because then I start to believe it and I let my guard down and I eat…..I am never going to be pretty enough or happy enough or small enough to eat. Goddd. My friend and her BF were both complimenting me like crazy when I was over there, like I seriously think everyone in the world is crazy. I am not pretty, I am like average. I am not skinny, I am once again average. Everyone is crazy.
Friday, October 16, 2009
long post
Weight: 105
Ate: 2 “fun size” m&ms (200 cal) poptart (200 cal) tortilla (200) craisins (150). (fuckkkkkk right? But my mom had the day off work, sooo she was home for breakfast and lunch, and like I was supperrr depressed about schoolwork, like I have honestly almost given up, and so I was juts laying in bed at 2pm and my mom was like whats wrong and I told her I couldn’t think I couldn’t read and I couldn’t do school and I gave up and I felt depressed about how hard school is, and thennnn my mom said “you have no energy because you haven’t ate, u need to eat something” and I said “no I have no energy because trying to study/read for my classes is soooo draining” (which is theee truth). And then she got pissed at me, and then my older sister once again chirped in about how I needed to eat. Soooo that is the result of that. Then force fed dinner of chicken and mac and cheese (600) total 1350!!!!!!! Ahhh!!!!! Oh well it coda been worse. They made me eat that shit, I couldn’t avoid it.
Gym: burnt 650 cals
There was this special K commercial that shows ppl throwing their scales out the window and then it says something like “jeans don’t lie” which I thought was really funny because I always evaluate my weight loss based on my collection of jeans….but then when I notice they are fitting baggy on me I make up excuses like “they are just baggy because I haven’t washed them lately” or “they are probably just stretched out from trying them on so many times 2 weeks ago” or “these jeans are just old, that’s why they fit looser now, they are falling apart” like I don’t even trust my jeans, I feel like my jeans and my scale lie to me, but overall I trust jeans more then my scale.
Like the last time I was 105ish weight I remember it was near impossible for me to shave my armpits because my arms were so skinny and concave-like (this sounds weird/confusing I know…hopefully it makes sommme sense) butt I donttt currently have that problem, sooo this makes me mad because even though I weigh 105 today I am not in my mind an accurate representation of 105. I LOOK like I weigh fucking 120!!!!
I am hanging out with one of my really good friends on Sunday. She has some pretty unhealthy eating (well uhmm lack there of) habits also, but she encourages/supports my ways sooo its all good (god I am really lucky my 2 best friends are totally accepting of it/do the same thing as me). In 11th grade she got down to a freakishly skinny weight, and looked amazing, and so she is kinda trying to do that route again….shes prettymuch gained back all the weight she lost.. . and she wants to start loosing again. She tells me that I am too skinny (well she did when I was 103) and like we hung out in may and we went to meet up with her friend and she was like “this is my friend Noelle, look at how tiny her arms are” and then she grabbed my arm and raised it in the air….hahaha it was the only time I have been introduced like that, even though it was kinda weird/awkward, it was still a complement in my mind. and I met her BF that day also, and then like a week later when we hung out again her BF was like “oh your hanging out with Noelle, is that your super skinny friend?”
But yeah she was like “if I lived with you I would be sooo skinny” which is true. I mean if I lived in a house full of girls that all had the same goals/didn’t have loads of junk food in the cupboards/didn’t have parents and sisters nagging me to eat I would be 20x smaller then I already am. I want to live in a house with me and all my beautiful starving friends and the house will have apples, celery, sugar free jello, diet pop, crystal light, lemons, and various other veggies in it….and no junk food! And the house will have lots of workout equipment, and a library full of good books to read, and good movies to watch, and a fireplace to keep me warm, and one biggg closet full of beautiful tiny clothes we could all share. God that would be amazing, even if it was only for like a month or so, it would still be wonderful….me and my girlfriends seriously discuss this idea all the time, if only, if onlyyyy.
OMG millstone flavored coffee=amazing. My dad brought home a sample of the hazelnut cream flavor, and it is the bestttt coffee ever, even black, which I know a lot of ppl cant stomach black coffee (I can and I do) but if you are one of those ppl who cant handle black coffee seriously this one is sooo deliciously flavored/not bitter/tastes like a freeking latte but it is just coffee grounds you brew, and it tastes amazing! And I looked up the cals online and it says it has 0. Soo that’s good. There was no nutrition info on the bag cuz it was a sample size, so I am gonna go to the grocery store and look on the bags there and double check, but like 3 different random websites online said that all the millstone flavored coffee beans have 0 cals! Like it tastes just as good if not better then a cup of black coffee with flavored coffee mate added to it! I am in loveeee!
Ate: 2 “fun size” m&ms (200 cal) poptart (200 cal) tortilla (200) craisins (150). (fuckkkkkk right? But my mom had the day off work, sooo she was home for breakfast and lunch, and like I was supperrr depressed about schoolwork, like I have honestly almost given up, and so I was juts laying in bed at 2pm and my mom was like whats wrong and I told her I couldn’t think I couldn’t read and I couldn’t do school and I gave up and I felt depressed about how hard school is, and thennnn my mom said “you have no energy because you haven’t ate, u need to eat something” and I said “no I have no energy because trying to study/read for my classes is soooo draining” (which is theee truth). And then she got pissed at me, and then my older sister once again chirped in about how I needed to eat. Soooo that is the result of that. Then force fed dinner of chicken and mac and cheese (600) total 1350!!!!!!! Ahhh!!!!! Oh well it coda been worse. They made me eat that shit, I couldn’t avoid it.
Gym: burnt 650 cals
There was this special K commercial that shows ppl throwing their scales out the window and then it says something like “jeans don’t lie” which I thought was really funny because I always evaluate my weight loss based on my collection of jeans….but then when I notice they are fitting baggy on me I make up excuses like “they are just baggy because I haven’t washed them lately” or “they are probably just stretched out from trying them on so many times 2 weeks ago” or “these jeans are just old, that’s why they fit looser now, they are falling apart” like I don’t even trust my jeans, I feel like my jeans and my scale lie to me, but overall I trust jeans more then my scale.
Like the last time I was 105ish weight I remember it was near impossible for me to shave my armpits because my arms were so skinny and concave-like (this sounds weird/confusing I know…hopefully it makes sommme sense) butt I donttt currently have that problem, sooo this makes me mad because even though I weigh 105 today I am not in my mind an accurate representation of 105. I LOOK like I weigh fucking 120!!!!
I am hanging out with one of my really good friends on Sunday. She has some pretty unhealthy eating (well uhmm lack there of) habits also, but she encourages/supports my ways sooo its all good (god I am really lucky my 2 best friends are totally accepting of it/do the same thing as me). In 11th grade she got down to a freakishly skinny weight, and looked amazing, and so she is kinda trying to do that route again….shes prettymuch gained back all the weight she lost.. . and she wants to start loosing again. She tells me that I am too skinny (well she did when I was 103) and like we hung out in may and we went to meet up with her friend and she was like “this is my friend Noelle, look at how tiny her arms are” and then she grabbed my arm and raised it in the air….hahaha it was the only time I have been introduced like that, even though it was kinda weird/awkward, it was still a complement in my mind. and I met her BF that day also, and then like a week later when we hung out again her BF was like “oh your hanging out with Noelle, is that your super skinny friend?”
But yeah she was like “if I lived with you I would be sooo skinny” which is true. I mean if I lived in a house full of girls that all had the same goals/didn’t have loads of junk food in the cupboards/didn’t have parents and sisters nagging me to eat I would be 20x smaller then I already am. I want to live in a house with me and all my beautiful starving friends and the house will have apples, celery, sugar free jello, diet pop, crystal light, lemons, and various other veggies in it….and no junk food! And the house will have lots of workout equipment, and a library full of good books to read, and good movies to watch, and a fireplace to keep me warm, and one biggg closet full of beautiful tiny clothes we could all share. God that would be amazing, even if it was only for like a month or so, it would still be wonderful….me and my girlfriends seriously discuss this idea all the time, if only, if onlyyyy.
OMG millstone flavored coffee=amazing. My dad brought home a sample of the hazelnut cream flavor, and it is the bestttt coffee ever, even black, which I know a lot of ppl cant stomach black coffee (I can and I do) but if you are one of those ppl who cant handle black coffee seriously this one is sooo deliciously flavored/not bitter/tastes like a freeking latte but it is just coffee grounds you brew, and it tastes amazing! And I looked up the cals online and it says it has 0. Soo that’s good. There was no nutrition info on the bag cuz it was a sample size, so I am gonna go to the grocery store and look on the bags there and double check, but like 3 different random websites online said that all the millstone flavored coffee beans have 0 cals! Like it tastes just as good if not better then a cup of black coffee with flavored coffee mate added to it! I am in loveeee!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
i fail.
I weighed 106-107ish today. I went to the gym bright and early. Burned 650 cals, I felt really tired/short of breath today while at the gym, ugh.
My mom bought me a titanium waterbottle! Finally!i hope it doesn’t leak, I seriously have had a near impossible time finding a reusable waterbottle that doesn’t leak. She also asked me if I wanted a granolabar, and since I was on my bed with my laptop on me and a notebook and books all on my lap she offered to bring it to me, and then she left, and so I knew I had to open it so the wrapper would be evidence I ate it….ughhh….so yeah I sprayed hairspray on it and I hid it in this box where I hide food until I can later dispose of it. God it was hard to not eat it.!! I had 2 pieces of gum and 2 sugar free hard candies (25 cal) sooo that made my mind screaming eat shut up for a while.
Dinner was leftover spaghetti/garlic bread (700?) and then I ate chocolate (200?) grrr I am so embarrassed to admit it, but I am not gonna lie. I feel so lame for choooosing to eat the chocolate. It was one Halloween size crunch and one Halloween size plain m&ms. So food wise today I failed, but I mean at least it wasn’t a fatty binge. I have officially overcame the “fuck it all I might as well binge” attitude. Like I totally have conquered that mindset!
Well that’s really all that’s new in my not at all adventurous life. I went and tried on my sisters jeans, just to see if I could fit in them, and I do! Yay! Now I have more clothing options…if she lets me borrow them that is.
Plan for tomorrow: coffee, gym, shower, coffee, studyyyy, not eat, coffee, sleep. Wow, how fun.
My mom bought me a titanium waterbottle! Finally!i hope it doesn’t leak, I seriously have had a near impossible time finding a reusable waterbottle that doesn’t leak. She also asked me if I wanted a granolabar, and since I was on my bed with my laptop on me and a notebook and books all on my lap she offered to bring it to me, and then she left, and so I knew I had to open it so the wrapper would be evidence I ate it….ughhh….so yeah I sprayed hairspray on it and I hid it in this box where I hide food until I can later dispose of it. God it was hard to not eat it.!! I had 2 pieces of gum and 2 sugar free hard candies (25 cal) sooo that made my mind screaming eat shut up for a while.
Dinner was leftover spaghetti/garlic bread (700?) and then I ate chocolate (200?) grrr I am so embarrassed to admit it, but I am not gonna lie. I feel so lame for choooosing to eat the chocolate. It was one Halloween size crunch and one Halloween size plain m&ms. So food wise today I failed, but I mean at least it wasn’t a fatty binge. I have officially overcame the “fuck it all I might as well binge” attitude. Like I totally have conquered that mindset!
Well that’s really all that’s new in my not at all adventurous life. I went and tried on my sisters jeans, just to see if I could fit in them, and I do! Yay! Now I have more clothing options…if she lets me borrow them that is.
Plan for tomorrow: coffee, gym, shower, coffee, studyyyy, not eat, coffee, sleep. Wow, how fun.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
107
Yesterday I ate 1 small homemade taco. I was home for dinner, so had no choice but to eat. But the tortillas were homemade and it was with lean ground turkey, and it was really really small. I would guess it is definitely under 400 cals. Its way tinier then anything I had ever at taco bell, lol.
Today I ate: ½ piece garlic bread (140), one smalllll bowl of homemade spaghetti. I will guess its about 550 cals topsss, it was a small bowl, and the sauce was homemade and so were the noodles, (yes my mom is a superb cook/cooks everything instead of buying it) My favorite dinner items are the kind that like “you serve” if that makes any sense, like I hate when my mom cooks hamburgers or hot dogs, because each person gets one hamburger, and is expected to eat one hamburger….but foods like spaghetti you put as much noodles as you want in your bowl, and as much sauce as you want on top of it, and then its easier for me to get away with eating a smaller amount. I can just pretend that I had a big full bowl of it and I ate it super quick and the residue of the spaghetti sauce is like an alibi lol, but a hamburger i have to eat one entire one, or else i will raise suspicion…..lol yes pastas and chili are two dinners I request often.
NO gym for me today, unfortunately. My sister and I both slept in, it was really weird and rare because usually if one of us sleeps in the other will come and wake the other up, because we both hateee sleeping in/not utilizing our time. So my alarm went off, and I pressed snooze but then it never went off again. Sooo I woke up at 8am. Damnit. So we were both pretty pissed about that, so I think something crazy and magical had to have happened to make us both not wake up.
So as I was getting ready to go to school my mom asks me what I want in my lunch (wtf she never made me a lunch a single day all of last school year!?) and I pretend that I actually care, and I am like “uhhh what kind of bread do you have, oh ehhh I don’t like that kind how about your homemade bread, yeah with pepper jack cheese, oh and can you toast the bread” etc. etc. to make it seem like I reallllly cared what my sandwich was going to be like, like I was really going to eat it for lunch. And then I hear my older sister say “Noelle doesn’t eat lunch” and my mom goes “yes she does, shes a good girl now, she eats her lunch” uhhh, weird. I gave threw the sandwich away at school, gave the Halloween candy to my friend and the other food items I am waiting to sneak back into the pantry so I don’t have to waste them.
I weighed 107 today! Uhh weird?? I don’t look 107, I don’t feel 107, but I weigh 107. I feel like once again my scale is like pullin a trick on me, oh well, 107 is better then 110. I want to be 105 soon!!! Once I am 105, like a definite steady, clearly 105, then I will be able to breath a little easier, and be happier.
Today I ate: ½ piece garlic bread (140), one smalllll bowl of homemade spaghetti. I will guess its about 550 cals topsss, it was a small bowl, and the sauce was homemade and so were the noodles, (yes my mom is a superb cook/cooks everything instead of buying it) My favorite dinner items are the kind that like “you serve” if that makes any sense, like I hate when my mom cooks hamburgers or hot dogs, because each person gets one hamburger, and is expected to eat one hamburger….but foods like spaghetti you put as much noodles as you want in your bowl, and as much sauce as you want on top of it, and then its easier for me to get away with eating a smaller amount. I can just pretend that I had a big full bowl of it and I ate it super quick and the residue of the spaghetti sauce is like an alibi lol, but a hamburger i have to eat one entire one, or else i will raise suspicion…..lol yes pastas and chili are two dinners I request often.
NO gym for me today, unfortunately. My sister and I both slept in, it was really weird and rare because usually if one of us sleeps in the other will come and wake the other up, because we both hateee sleeping in/not utilizing our time. So my alarm went off, and I pressed snooze but then it never went off again. Sooo I woke up at 8am. Damnit. So we were both pretty pissed about that, so I think something crazy and magical had to have happened to make us both not wake up.
So as I was getting ready to go to school my mom asks me what I want in my lunch (wtf she never made me a lunch a single day all of last school year!?) and I pretend that I actually care, and I am like “uhhh what kind of bread do you have, oh ehhh I don’t like that kind how about your homemade bread, yeah with pepper jack cheese, oh and can you toast the bread” etc. etc. to make it seem like I reallllly cared what my sandwich was going to be like, like I was really going to eat it for lunch. And then I hear my older sister say “Noelle doesn’t eat lunch” and my mom goes “yes she does, shes a good girl now, she eats her lunch” uhhh, weird. I gave threw the sandwich away at school, gave the Halloween candy to my friend and the other food items I am waiting to sneak back into the pantry so I don’t have to waste them.
I weighed 107 today! Uhh weird?? I don’t look 107, I don’t feel 107, but I weigh 107. I feel like once again my scale is like pullin a trick on me, oh well, 107 is better then 110. I want to be 105 soon!!! Once I am 105, like a definite steady, clearly 105, then I will be able to breath a little easier, and be happier.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Today will be great!
I already went to the gym with my sis. Burned 670 cals. No food for me today.
2. I remember back in March I would smoke outside in the freezing cold before school, my skin was freakishly pale, and my clothes just hung off my body, way too big for me. *sigh* I miss that sooo much….i will be back there soon enough. I went to the smoke shop yesterday and they said that kretek cigs are now banned, but the smokeshop can still sell them until they run out of the ones they currently have in stock. I bought a pack of Djarum Reds, which is like a clove+cherry cigarette. I just got done smoking a couple of them, yum yum yum! All you girls who don’t live in the US I am jealous that you still are able to buy these fine smokes!
3. When I was skinny it was such a confidence boost. Like if I had a bad hair day, or if I decided not to wear makeup, or if I hadn’t showered I still felt pretty hot just because I knewwww I was skinnier then 90 percent of the girls at school. I want that confidence and happiness back!! Who needs makeup and designer jeans when you have collarbones and ribs showing?? Lol.
4. I remember I used to have to lock the door when I showered and bring clean clothes into the shower with me because my psycho mom would scream about my bones showing everytime I walked from my shower to my room in my towel. She used to yell at me and tell me to lift up my shirt so she could see how skinny I was…and I got paranoid that she was going to peep on me while showering just to see how skinny I truly was. haha. I would never show her my stomach and I would tell her she was crazy and creepy, and then I would realize how if she did lift up my shirt she would see my ribs and hipbones, and then I would rush and pile on more layers.
I hope everyone has a lovely day! Black coffee and tea for me today. Date tonight. :)
2. I remember back in March I would smoke outside in the freezing cold before school, my skin was freakishly pale, and my clothes just hung off my body, way too big for me. *sigh* I miss that sooo much….i will be back there soon enough. I went to the smoke shop yesterday and they said that kretek cigs are now banned, but the smokeshop can still sell them until they run out of the ones they currently have in stock. I bought a pack of Djarum Reds, which is like a clove+cherry cigarette. I just got done smoking a couple of them, yum yum yum! All you girls who don’t live in the US I am jealous that you still are able to buy these fine smokes!
3. When I was skinny it was such a confidence boost. Like if I had a bad hair day, or if I decided not to wear makeup, or if I hadn’t showered I still felt pretty hot just because I knewwww I was skinnier then 90 percent of the girls at school. I want that confidence and happiness back!! Who needs makeup and designer jeans when you have collarbones and ribs showing?? Lol.
4. I remember I used to have to lock the door when I showered and bring clean clothes into the shower with me because my psycho mom would scream about my bones showing everytime I walked from my shower to my room in my towel. She used to yell at me and tell me to lift up my shirt so she could see how skinny I was…and I got paranoid that she was going to peep on me while showering just to see how skinny I truly was. haha. I would never show her my stomach and I would tell her she was crazy and creepy, and then I would realize how if she did lift up my shirt she would see my ribs and hipbones, and then I would rush and pile on more layers.
I hope everyone has a lovely day! Black coffee and tea for me today. Date tonight. :)
Sunday, October 11, 2009
sad.
Bad last few days. I really don’t even know why. I weighed 110 today. FML. I weighed 106 the last time I posted. Whoops. I haven’t been going to they gym, I have been eating candy, and I have been beign fat as fuck. The weekends always are killer. Especially because I have 4 day weekends.
My fam went to my Uni’s football game, while I stayed at home because I didn’t want to go and have to deal with all the super good tailgating food…..yet I stayed at home and ate anyways( big fuckign whoops) ….. my sisters boyfriend was over and they were all getting ready to go to the game and I was like “I am so hungry, I cant stop eating, I never get full I am addicted to food” ( like I was saying it in a totally serious way but in a way that my sister and her bf would think it is mostly a joke…if that makes any sense at all…lol) because my mom wouldn’t let me eat any of the tailgating food because I was “being a bitch and not going to the game” so like all I wanted was one bite of the soup she made, just one bite to try it, and I was getting so frustrated just because of my own curiosity. And then right after I said the thing about me never getting full my sisters bf was like “yeah I find that hard to believe since your so skinny” and then my sister was like “poor noelle, she just doesn’t know howww to eat, because mom gives her mixed messages, one day she yells at her not eating enough, then the next day she wont even allow her one bite of food” and then we all just started laughing because it was sooo true. Thanks mom, I will blame all my issues on you. Ha.
So I just found out that because of HR 1256 the family smoking prevention and tobacco control act that was passed into law on sept 21 that kretek cigs, clove flavored cigs, and any other flavored cigarettes are ILLEGAL in the USA! Oh my god. I love Djarum cloves. Like I love love love them, they are one of my favorite things ever, I love how they taste, how they smell, how they give me something to do when I spend all day not eating, how they give me an excuse to walk outside and enjoy the sunshine when I have been stuck inside reading boring ass books for 3 hours in a row. I am so sad, like I had nooo clue, because the last time I went to the smoke shop was before sept 21st, and I bought 3 packs, so I haven’t been back since just out of sheer busyness/procrastination. So I have like Djarum clove cigarettes left, and I am just so sad about it, like I am in possession of an illegal substance technically I guess hahahaha. Goddddd. So now idk what I am gonna smoke….i guess they have Djarum “little filtered cigars” but who knows if they will be as good. I might try out a bunch of different “little cigars” that are clove/other flavored….primetime happy hour little cigars come in Appletini flavor, and they are the same size as cigs, I may try them. But I am just sad anyways. I am mostly sad because one of the main reasons this law got passed was because “flavored cigarettes make youth more likely to try smoking” sooo basically just supervise your damn kids and let me, someone who is 19, smoke my cloves in peace.
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Well anyways I confessed to me being a fatty this weekend. I promise I will do better. I want to be skinny for so many reasons. I always regret eating every time I do, I want my parents to worry about me, I want girls to say I am sickly thin, I want to fit into any outfit and look good in it, I want to regain the control I one had. Only 15 lbs to loose until I am 95. If I lost 20 lbs in 2 months last year, I can loose 15 lbs in 2 months this year! I need to do this!
My fam went to my Uni’s football game, while I stayed at home because I didn’t want to go and have to deal with all the super good tailgating food…..yet I stayed at home and ate anyways( big fuckign whoops) ….. my sisters boyfriend was over and they were all getting ready to go to the game and I was like “I am so hungry, I cant stop eating, I never get full I am addicted to food” ( like I was saying it in a totally serious way but in a way that my sister and her bf would think it is mostly a joke…if that makes any sense at all…lol) because my mom wouldn’t let me eat any of the tailgating food because I was “being a bitch and not going to the game” so like all I wanted was one bite of the soup she made, just one bite to try it, and I was getting so frustrated just because of my own curiosity. And then right after I said the thing about me never getting full my sisters bf was like “yeah I find that hard to believe since your so skinny” and then my sister was like “poor noelle, she just doesn’t know howww to eat, because mom gives her mixed messages, one day she yells at her not eating enough, then the next day she wont even allow her one bite of food” and then we all just started laughing because it was sooo true. Thanks mom, I will blame all my issues on you. Ha.
So I just found out that because of HR 1256 the family smoking prevention and tobacco control act that was passed into law on sept 21 that kretek cigs, clove flavored cigs, and any other flavored cigarettes are ILLEGAL in the USA! Oh my god. I love Djarum cloves. Like I love love love them, they are one of my favorite things ever, I love how they taste, how they smell, how they give me something to do when I spend all day not eating, how they give me an excuse to walk outside and enjoy the sunshine when I have been stuck inside reading boring ass books for 3 hours in a row. I am so sad, like I had nooo clue, because the last time I went to the smoke shop was before sept 21st, and I bought 3 packs, so I haven’t been back since just out of sheer busyness/procrastination. So I have like Djarum clove cigarettes left, and I am just so sad about it, like I am in possession of an illegal substance technically I guess hahahaha. Goddddd. So now idk what I am gonna smoke….i guess they have Djarum “little filtered cigars” but who knows if they will be as good. I might try out a bunch of different “little cigars” that are clove/other flavored….primetime happy hour little cigars come in Appletini flavor, and they are the same size as cigs, I may try them. But I am just sad anyways. I am mostly sad because one of the main reasons this law got passed was because “flavored cigarettes make youth more likely to try smoking” sooo basically just supervise your damn kids and let me, someone who is 19, smoke my cloves in peace.
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Well anyways I confessed to me being a fatty this weekend. I promise I will do better. I want to be skinny for so many reasons. I always regret eating every time I do, I want my parents to worry about me, I want girls to say I am sickly thin, I want to fit into any outfit and look good in it, I want to regain the control I one had. Only 15 lbs to loose until I am 95. If I lost 20 lbs in 2 months last year, I can loose 15 lbs in 2 months this year! I need to do this!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
today so far..
...me and my sister “slept in” today till 530, ha how pathetic is that? So we went to the gym, only stayed for 60 mins but I burned 550 cals, and I got super super sweaty, and worked out very intensely on the machines. When I was doing the stair stepper I all of a sudden got horrible stomach cramps and felt like I was going to black out, it was really weird.
Today I have had a cup of black coffee and that’s it so far. I really need to start drinking more water, like yesterday the only liquids I drank all day was 8 oz of water, and 2 cups of coffee. I don’t want my low weight to be false, based off of sever dehydration, so I need to try to start drinking way more water. When I was 103 I would drink like 4 cups a day out of this cup that held 32 ozs, at least.
I weighed 106/107 ish today! Woo. And I tried on my jeans and they definitely are fitting better, which made me sooo thrilled that I blasted upbeat music and danced around my room in my skinny jeans thinking of how proud I was of myself! My size 24 inch lucky brands fit me wayyy better, they are still probably too tight to wear but they are so close to being there, and that is exciting!
I will buy myself a pair of jeans from the Nordstrom rack when I get to 100 lbs, either a pair of sevens, maks, true religion, Hudson, or R&R, some type of nice pair of jeans…which at the rack they only cost about 100 dollars, and at the regular Nordys they cost like 150-300 depending on the brand. Its so worth it, they fit me wayyyy better and look way better then any cheaper jeans. Plus I have a giftcard to there that expires soon, in dec. I think, sooo that is extra pressure to loose even more weight.
Also my parents have been out of my hair for the first time in a long time. Thank god. They haven’t said one thing about me loosing any weight….but then again I do only wear baggy clothes at home, and I have only lost like 8 lbs since sept….they haven’t said shit about me skipping meals or going to the gym daily. Things are going good. I wish my parents could just realize that even though I have unhealthy habits it shouldn’t matter, because I still roll out of bed each day, I still have friends, I have energy, I go to school, I clean, I cook, I function like a totally normal 19 year old. What I do really doesn’t affect anyone but myself, I haven’t had to be hospitalized, I am still able to do the things I need to do. … honestly I think the only reason my parents got on my case before is because me being really skinny made me “a freak” and I was the “sick” kid, and it made them look bad as parents that their daughter “had an eating disorder” which meant I was “mentally fucked up” (Even though I wasn’t even crazy skinny at the time, and I was never diagnosed or anything, and my bmi wasn’t below 17.5 and I still got my period) and they hated having me make them look bad, or look like bad parents or something. Or maybe its because they love me and don’t want me to be miserable and slowly destroy my body…..lol but for some reason I convince myself that it’s the first reason listed.
Today I have had a cup of black coffee and that’s it so far. I really need to start drinking more water, like yesterday the only liquids I drank all day was 8 oz of water, and 2 cups of coffee. I don’t want my low weight to be false, based off of sever dehydration, so I need to try to start drinking way more water. When I was 103 I would drink like 4 cups a day out of this cup that held 32 ozs, at least.
I weighed 106/107 ish today! Woo. And I tried on my jeans and they definitely are fitting better, which made me sooo thrilled that I blasted upbeat music and danced around my room in my skinny jeans thinking of how proud I was of myself! My size 24 inch lucky brands fit me wayyy better, they are still probably too tight to wear but they are so close to being there, and that is exciting!
I will buy myself a pair of jeans from the Nordstrom rack when I get to 100 lbs, either a pair of sevens, maks, true religion, Hudson, or R&R, some type of nice pair of jeans…which at the rack they only cost about 100 dollars, and at the regular Nordys they cost like 150-300 depending on the brand. Its so worth it, they fit me wayyyy better and look way better then any cheaper jeans. Plus I have a giftcard to there that expires soon, in dec. I think, sooo that is extra pressure to loose even more weight.
Also my parents have been out of my hair for the first time in a long time. Thank god. They haven’t said one thing about me loosing any weight….but then again I do only wear baggy clothes at home, and I have only lost like 8 lbs since sept….they haven’t said shit about me skipping meals or going to the gym daily. Things are going good. I wish my parents could just realize that even though I have unhealthy habits it shouldn’t matter, because I still roll out of bed each day, I still have friends, I have energy, I go to school, I clean, I cook, I function like a totally normal 19 year old. What I do really doesn’t affect anyone but myself, I haven’t had to be hospitalized, I am still able to do the things I need to do. … honestly I think the only reason my parents got on my case before is because me being really skinny made me “a freak” and I was the “sick” kid, and it made them look bad as parents that their daughter “had an eating disorder” which meant I was “mentally fucked up” (Even though I wasn’t even crazy skinny at the time, and I was never diagnosed or anything, and my bmi wasn’t below 17.5 and I still got my period) and they hated having me make them look bad, or look like bad parents or something. Or maybe its because they love me and don’t want me to be miserable and slowly destroy my body…..lol but for some reason I convince myself that it’s the first reason listed.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
perfect day
So tired! I have been up since 4amish and I went to classes/was on campus all day and I did 70 mins of cardio (burned 700 cals) and I ate zero calories today! Well pretty good day all in all, but I am not looking forward to my 15 item to do list I have to tackle this weekend.
I feel so proud of myself for going to the gym at 7pm, because it is soooo hard to make myself go to the gym at night, especially if I have had a busy day. So yay for me.
I am going to wake up at 4 am tomorrow, drink coffee, hit the gym, shower and then do mass amounts of schoolwork/random other tasks...thats the plan, i wrote it down, i am sticking to it.
Well yeah boring post, but that’s my life….idk what I weigh I have been avoiding the scale for a few days because I don’t want to see the same number next time I step on it.
I feel so proud of myself for going to the gym at 7pm, because it is soooo hard to make myself go to the gym at night, especially if I have had a busy day. So yay for me.
I am going to wake up at 4 am tomorrow, drink coffee, hit the gym, shower and then do mass amounts of schoolwork/random other tasks...thats the plan, i wrote it down, i am sticking to it.
Well yeah boring post, but that’s my life….idk what I weigh I have been avoiding the scale for a few days because I don’t want to see the same number next time I step on it.
try this...
...Random thing I read in womens health: a tip for avoiding cravings/not giving in to junk food and whatnot is to dress nice for the day, like wear some makeup and a cute outfit that makes you feel sexy, because I guess the logic behind it is that if you go about your day looking like hell/not being dressed/not showered you kinda just think/feel not as confident/good about yourself so you are more likely to have the thought process of “I am ugly as hell anyways I might as well just eat” but when you dress up you feel more confident/happy with your appearance and yourself so you are more likely to think “wow I am lookin good today, I don’t wanna mess up my awesomeness by eating that slice of cake”. Lol sorry I cant explain this theory as good as the mag did, but it is really so true…..even though 5 days a week I don’t wear makeup, or do my hair, and I wear sweats and baggy tshirts. Haha, I mean why would I do my makeup/hair/dress up when I am going to be sitting at my desk at home reading boring school books? But try it out, the results will surprise you.
Monday, October 5, 2009
10-05-09
Soo after exhausting my options, I decided I am keeping my current schedule. Dangit. Only because I really cant find anything better, oh well at least I don’t have to worry about it anymore, its settled, its done, its final.
Today I ate: 2 pumpkin cookies (400 cals) and 1 SF white choc/coconut Americano. (20 cals)
my mom packed me a lunch for school (haha super elementary I know) cuz I was going to be gone an extra 3.5 hours today, I threw it in the trash the moment I got to school. Sad, I know, but I had no one else to give it to, sooo it had to be done……on a freeking disgusting note, I also threw in the trash some pancakes that had been rotting in my room the last week or so…or maybe more. Ew ew ew…..i had them wrapped in several layers of saran wrap and inside a ziplock bag, so they didn’t smell up my room or anything, but uhhh yeah nxt time I hide food I need to remember to dispose of it promptly the next day, cuz that was seriously gross.
No gym today because I was up since 4 am and I didn’t get home till 7pm and I had to clean house/wash my hair/I was just beat from being so busy and running around like a frantic freak all day. (yes I know I am making excuses for myself again! Ugh I suck)
But tomorrow I DO plan on going to the gym, early in the morning, go and get it outta the way. I then plan on either A. spending all day getting all dolled up, curling my hair, and picking out an outfit to wear on a date or B. coming home from the gym, and writing a paper/studying/reading. Option A is definitely most fun, but I haven’t heard back from my friend yet so idk if I will or will not be seeing him tomorrow….which is frustrating because I like to have things planned out well in advance.
Today I ate: 2 pumpkin cookies (400 cals) and 1 SF white choc/coconut Americano. (20 cals)
my mom packed me a lunch for school (haha super elementary I know) cuz I was going to be gone an extra 3.5 hours today, I threw it in the trash the moment I got to school. Sad, I know, but I had no one else to give it to, sooo it had to be done……on a freeking disgusting note, I also threw in the trash some pancakes that had been rotting in my room the last week or so…or maybe more. Ew ew ew…..i had them wrapped in several layers of saran wrap and inside a ziplock bag, so they didn’t smell up my room or anything, but uhhh yeah nxt time I hide food I need to remember to dispose of it promptly the next day, cuz that was seriously gross.
No gym today because I was up since 4 am and I didn’t get home till 7pm and I had to clean house/wash my hair/I was just beat from being so busy and running around like a frantic freak all day. (yes I know I am making excuses for myself again! Ugh I suck)
But tomorrow I DO plan on going to the gym, early in the morning, go and get it outta the way. I then plan on either A. spending all day getting all dolled up, curling my hair, and picking out an outfit to wear on a date or B. coming home from the gym, and writing a paper/studying/reading. Option A is definitely most fun, but I haven’t heard back from my friend yet so idk if I will or will not be seeing him tomorrow….which is frustrating because I like to have things planned out well in advance.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
...pointless rant
No gym today. I talked myself out of going, because I suck. I told myself I would study for my classes and get ahead and be productive instead of work out…..yeah I lied to myself.
I am really stressed because I am trying to change my schedule, and since classes have already started it is going to be really difficult to change classes since they will all most likely be full. So tomorrow I am going to get to campus around 7 am and try to figure out a new schedule, ugh so frustrating, so stressful, so annoying, but its something I so neeeeed to do, so as soon as that’s over and done with I can have more peace of mind.
I play this really weird game, but I try not to do it too often. I try on every pair of jeans I own and I analyze how loosely/tightly they fit me….the less often I do it, the more exciting/dramatic the results are. Like my size 1 HCO jeans didn’t fit me this summer (after I gained a good 10 lbs due to summer school/family intervening) buttttt now my size 1 HCO jeans I can get them on zip them up and they are tight/give me a veryyy slight muffin top lol butttt before, like in the summer I couldn’t even get the jeans to fit over my entire ass. Haha.
I am prayingggg I can keep my schedule I have now, time and day wise, and just find an afternoon class to replace the class I am trying to drop! I am so worried about my potential new schedule. I worry over dumb stuff I know, I know. But like all my thoughts are focused on that, and I feel as soon as tomorrow is over and done with I can focus better on shrinking my fat body.
I am really stressed because I am trying to change my schedule, and since classes have already started it is going to be really difficult to change classes since they will all most likely be full. So tomorrow I am going to get to campus around 7 am and try to figure out a new schedule, ugh so frustrating, so stressful, so annoying, but its something I so neeeeed to do, so as soon as that’s over and done with I can have more peace of mind.
I play this really weird game, but I try not to do it too often. I try on every pair of jeans I own and I analyze how loosely/tightly they fit me….the less often I do it, the more exciting/dramatic the results are. Like my size 1 HCO jeans didn’t fit me this summer (after I gained a good 10 lbs due to summer school/family intervening) buttttt now my size 1 HCO jeans I can get them on zip them up and they are tight/give me a veryyy slight muffin top lol butttt before, like in the summer I couldn’t even get the jeans to fit over my entire ass. Haha.
I am prayingggg I can keep my schedule I have now, time and day wise, and just find an afternoon class to replace the class I am trying to drop! I am so worried about my potential new schedule. I worry over dumb stuff I know, I know. But like all my thoughts are focused on that, and I feel as soon as tomorrow is over and done with I can focus better on shrinking my fat body.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Back to school
No gym for me the last 2 days, just getting ready for school to start has been time consuming. Yesterday I didn’t eat a single thing all day and then I came home around 7pm and my mom just got her new kitchen aid mixer thingy and my mom is an amazing cook and she was so excited about getting it that she made scones, cookies, apple pie, and bread…………I was super stressed about my unorganized/messy class that I am taking and I was freeking out thinking I am gonna fail it and whatnot and so I searched for classes to switch into and there wasn’t anything and then I ate…..scones, cookies, and more and more shit. Whooopps. Major fuckign whoops. I felt crazy and sick after eating like my heart was beating a million miles an hour I felt like I had just taken drugs, I think it was just my body freeking out or something cuz of the change in food. Then I got really sick from eating all that, sooo hopefully I wont gain as much weight. I weighed 105 yesterday….107 today, damnit.
But today me and my older sis woke up at 5am and hit the gym at 6, worked out for an hour, I burnt 600 clas. I am happy that now that me and my sis both started school we can get back into our old routine of hitting the gym daily at 6am. I drank coffee (black) beforehand, and usually I don’t drink coffe before I go to the gym, but I did because I was sooo sleepy, and it made me feel so much more awake, and I also have read from multiple sources that coffee drank before exercising reduces your muscle fatigue and your pain perception, so you can work out longer/stronger. So drink up. I love the vibe of going to the gym early. What I do is I sleep in my next day gym clothes (which are comfey) so that way I can just roll outta bed and go instead of having to change clothes and get all cold. Lol. Also your body temp is lower in the morning then any other time of the day so working out early is “easier” for that reason too. Remember morning people will rule the world. Try waking up super early to work out, its great fun, I promise. No food today for me except my unavoidable fam dinner. Stay strong everyone, & hopefully you all are doing better than I am!
But today me and my older sis woke up at 5am and hit the gym at 6, worked out for an hour, I burnt 600 clas. I am happy that now that me and my sis both started school we can get back into our old routine of hitting the gym daily at 6am. I drank coffee (black) beforehand, and usually I don’t drink coffe before I go to the gym, but I did because I was sooo sleepy, and it made me feel so much more awake, and I also have read from multiple sources that coffee drank before exercising reduces your muscle fatigue and your pain perception, so you can work out longer/stronger. So drink up. I love the vibe of going to the gym early. What I do is I sleep in my next day gym clothes (which are comfey) so that way I can just roll outta bed and go instead of having to change clothes and get all cold. Lol. Also your body temp is lower in the morning then any other time of the day so working out early is “easier” for that reason too. Remember morning people will rule the world. Try waking up super early to work out, its great fun, I promise. No food today for me except my unavoidable fam dinner. Stay strong everyone, & hopefully you all are doing better than I am!
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