Im home! My “vacation” was lovely!
Sat: nothing
Sun: ate 20 cals burnt 400ish
Mon: ate 70 cals, burnt 550ish at gym
Tues: ate 318ish cals, burnt 550ish at gym
Wed: ate 125 cals, burnt 650ish at gym

We drank loads of tea, black coffee, and water and diet pop. Its soooooo fucking easy to not eat when I am with my best friend, like no one tempting me with baked goodies, no one pressuring me to eat, it was just pure bliss! haha. and her gym is bomb, lotsa machines I wasn’t used to using though so that made working out somewhat more confusing/harder in a way. But overall it was a greatttt trip! I gotta unpack all my clothes and stuff, ugh….wierd thing that happened, the first couple nights I had this weird sensation, I was sitting on the couch and it felt like the entire couch/room was moving, it felt like I was sitting still but the room was turning upside down, and I like gasped and jolted really quick and then it stopped. It happened again the next night too. No food yet today, who knows if it will stay that way, cuz my mom is baking for new years, ahhh uggghh.

ate: nothing Gym: burnt 800ish cals. Tomorrow I leave! Going with my best friend & getting the hell out of town! We both decided we will not eat a single calorie the entire trip, all 6 days, and we are going to work out daily for probably 4 hour sessions. Haha. We are crazy. & don’t worry I am pretty sure we wont die from it. I am packing currently, ahh idk what to bring and what not to bring, I always over pack! We might go to some parties so that means I should pack cute clothes…ha! I havefucking none…because for the last year I have kept saying “whats the point I am fat” even when I was 103 I didn’t buy clothes because I still thought I was fat….so bascailly I haven’t bought new clothes in for-freeking-ever. Ugh. I think my best ev will let me borrow some clothes, cuz we will be staying at her apt, sooo yeah. Packing sucks! I hope I don’t forget like everything. Wooo! Ill blog when I get back after new years, but I wont be able to during the trip. I hope everyone does amazingly well when I am away and I will have lots of updates to read when I get back about how wonderful everyone is doing! : ) <3>

pictures of my pet! (I have no life)

This is my pet rooster, his name is pip. He is a white silky bantum chicken, aka he is the most goofey looking bird ever, he doesn’t have feathers he has fur, and for Christmas we took his Mohawk and tied a little blue ribbon in it, hahaha, & he loved it I swear….ha no he probably felt emasculated. But I love my pet chickens, we spoil them, seriously. But he needs a bath, way bad. Okay now that I have officially made myself look crazy….lol adios!

long post--why I hate xmas gift giving

warning: possibly rude/insulting….I wrote this letter and honestly thought about mailing it out to my family/family friends….but obviously my parents would flip a bitch on me if I did so. But I encourage you to all read it and think about it, I know everyone’s family is different, but for my family situation this totally hits the nail on the head, like I know a lot of people DO get presents they love, and give presents they know the recipient will love, but for me this is how it is, and my parents think I am “fucked up/a bitch/have problems” because I think in the following way (what the letter says).....

"Dear Family & Friends,
I am writing this letter to prevent future conflict, awkwardness, and misunderstandings. I am totally and completely against Christmas gift giving, so please do not purchase Christmas gifts for me, if you do continue to purchase me Christmas presents I will feel totally insulted that you were unable to respect my wishes and take me seriously. The following reasons should help clarify why I feel the way I do:

I’m 19: I am not saying this just to get attention, or to “be cute”, or “to be a bitch” or because I “am saying no but I realllyyyyy mean yes” so first of all let me just make that clear, I am writing this as a last ditch effort to get people to respect my wishes and understand where I am coming from, because all other attempts I have made to express this have not been taken seriously. I would honest to god rather induce vomiting and fake being sick then have to go to my grandparents and receive presents on Christmas Eve. Every year for Christmas my parents ask me what I want, every year I say “nothing” because there is nothing I want, then after further prying they ask again and again and then I realize there is something I DO want for Christmas, I WANT people to stop buying me Christmas gifts! And I tell my parents this, and I say “what I want is for you to tell everyone not to get me anything” but sadly they never listen because for some crazy reason they think I am lying/making it up.

Lies, Guilt & Awkwardness: every year I get presents that I do not want, would never want, would never use, do not like, do not care for, and downright hate, yet I am forced to open them smile and say “yay its what I have always wanted” “this is so cool” “thank you I love it” etc. etc. because it is socially unacceptable to open up a present and say “hah, yeah right like I would ever want hand lotion, I hate lotion” or “wow thanks for the gift card, I still haven’t spent the one you got me last year because I dislike shopping and I don’t have time to buy myself new clothes” Christmas forces me to lie, then I feel guilty for lying, and it is just an overall horribly awkward painful experience I am forced to endure. I would prefer physical pain over having to receive presents and pretending I like them.

Hassel/ Inconvenient/ Obligation: Why did you get me that present? Is it because you KNEW for a FACT that I always wanted such a gift and that I would be filled with joy upon receiving it, OR is it because it is Christmas and that is what one is “supposed to do”….obviously it is the later of those two options, because I can honestly say for as long as I can remember I have not liked/wanted/had any use for a single Christmas gift I have gotten. Why? What is the point of purchasing one a gift if you do not genuinely want to get them, or what is the point of purchasing one a gift that you are unsure of whether they will even like it or not? Christmas shopping is stressful, a hassle, it is inconvenient, and I do not want anyone to have to endure all the negativities of Christmas shopping on my behalf. Receiving a gift and knowing the gift was bought out of obligation or because the gift giver figured they were “supposed to or should” get their daughter/sister/niece/brother/son a gift is insulting.

What I really want?: No, don’t waste your time or money because guaranteed you will not get me anything I want, there is nothing I want. I have no need for material objects, or money, or trinkets, or clothes, no need at all. If I wanted something or if I need something I would go use MY money that I earned from work and I would go buy it for myself, so therefore anything I want or need I already own.

Waste of money: Enough said, I hate wasting money, especially when it is wasted on me.

Confined to a Day: say that you were shopping through the store and you see a bracelet and you are totally without a doubt in your mind convinced that your friend/sister/mother/cousin would absolutely love it, and if you are in the gift giving mood, well then why not go ahead and purchase it for them? Go for it, buy them the present! BUT Christmas is confided to a certain time frame, a certain day, which makes people feel that they have to/should/are supposed to exchange gifts during that time, which is retarded.

But I do love Christmas music, Christmas lights, Christmas baking, snow is pretty to look at, having a few weeks off school is also great, so I am not “anti-Christmas” I am just anti-Christmas-gift-giving. I am morally against Christmas gift giving, I think it is a retarded tradition that has been socialized to our culture as what is proper and normal, and anyone who breaks that norm is seen as an outcast. Sorry to inform you I am against Christmas gift giving, so go ahead and keep on buying others and receiving gifts from others that you don’t care for or want or need, but please from this day forward leave me out of the Christmas gift giving. Go ahead and call me a Grinch or a scrooge or whatever you so choose, just don’t buy me crap! Thank You!
With love,
Noelle"

.....Another reason to be depressed: my grandparents bought my sisters beautiful sweaters and jewelry and they got me a BOX OF CHOCOLATES and pajamas….cuz apparently I am both fat and a lazy slob? Fuckkkk. See this is why I hate Christmas gift giving! Like I don’t even like chocolates, I like white chocolate, I hate truffles/cream filled chocolates, and what kind of chocolates did they get me? Cream filled dark chocolate gross shit…..godddddddd. and the pj’s are red flannel and hideous! Like I hate presents that I don’t like, that my family wasted money on me, and it also makes me sad how totally clueless they are as to what I like. I never want to eat again.

I hate my family so so soooooo much its unbelievable, I know angst teenagers say that all the time, but I seriously mean it. Whenever I have the means to do so, I am going to move far far away, change my name, change my haircolor, leave no trace of evidence and say a big fuck you to my family, and they will never see me again, they won’t know if I am dead or alive, if I am rich or poor, in jail, married, if they have grandkids, nope I WILL disappear. Whats funny is I tell them this ALL the time, and they think I am kidding!!! Haaaaahhhh!!! Mark my words. It will happen, its just a matter of when.

I was so pissed of that I had to go to my grandparents house I was kind of throwing a fit before we left to go to their house, and so I sat at dinner and didn’t eat a single thing and my mom asked if I was gonna eat anything, and I just smiled in the most “bitch fuck you” type of smile and sweetly said “nope” and she just huffed, and that was that, I got away with not eating a single bite at dinner. Well I put a piece of bread on my plate, and threw it away. No one said shit about it. Thank god. I seriously can’t wait till I am 80lbs, because it WILL make my parents pissed off, and I fuckign hate them and so pissign them off is enjoyable to me! I am horrible and I am going to hell, I know, I know. I swear I am only this mean to my family, I am totally lovey and sweet and caring and niceto everyone else, even total strangers….haha hard to believe, but it promise its true.

painting i made!

Fall quarter class grades: 4.0, 3.9, 3.5….cumulative QUARTERLY GPA= 3.8. holy fucking shit, these are the worst grades I have got in my entire 3 years at college for a quarter. I have never got a grade as low as a 3.5 before, like this has broke my heart a little bit. Most people think these are “good” grades, but good isn’t perfect now is it? …okay rant over…cry cry cry, I shooda tried harder, or something, or fucked my professor for a grade, or who knows what.

Uhmm so ive had a sore throat for the last few days, my skin has been breaking out, I went to the dermatologist got some prescriptions, and I said to my dr “so after a couple months if these creams don’t work, what do we do next?” and he goes “then we shoot you” and I say “ huh, shoot me??” and he goes “yeah, we’ll just shoot you, and put you outta your misery” and he chuckles. Hahaha? wtf? I have a crazy/funny dermatologist. But seriously he probably shoodnt have said that to a depressed girl like myself.

I am gonna post a picture of a painting I made 2 days ago….its creepy….i promise I am not crazed! Seriously! ….no clue how to post pictures, but im gonna try...i also need to learn how to delete pictures after positing them, so i can delete any pics i post of myself

I leave to go on vacation w/ my best friend on the 27th! Thank fuckign god! All my family has done is baked SO much food, and I have been sleeping in till 2pm, and then taking more naps all day long, and just being a lazy fuck,….i guess I am making up for lost time since I was super busy/stressed for the last 2 quarters. Its hard to resist food when it is like BAM in my face 24/7. My entire family is home, my mom doesn’t work during breaks from school, my dad is on vacation too. Ughhhhh. I hate it. I hate it so much. Not eating today, I have had 4 cookies, that is 4 cookies too many, no more food. I am avoiding an xmas party just cuz I don’t wanna eat, or get ready to go to it cuz I have seriously been lazy/grubby/it will take me like 7 hours to make myself look semi-decent at the state I am in.

Gym: burnt 670cals. It was killer, not going for like 2 weeks and then going for the first time made me realize how quickly once can lose their endurance.
Ate: 5 pieces of teriyaki (like chicken nugget sized things) (300) rice (200) *sigh* if only I could avoid family dinners….
Things my sister said that were retarded: “your arms are the size of an infant” “you better be careful getting a massage, they might break you” “the massage therapist might refer you to a doctor” ……these were all basically things she said saying how I am too skinny. Seriously my sister must be crazyyy. I am huge. I am not at all skinny. Right now I look totally normal, not skinny. I think she just has a really wrong perception of how my body is because she rememberrrrrs me as being 103/my parents always yelling at me to eat. Like my entire family is retarded, I am not at all skinny, it like makes me pissed. I will have to post pics of me soon and have all of you tell me if I am a. obese b. fat c. normal/average d. averagly slim e. skinny or f. too skiny. Cuz either I am crazy or they are crazy, and I want to prove that iiiiii have a totally clear perception of how I look and that theyyyy are dumbasses. my best friend tells me there is NO WAY I am skinny, and that if I was too skinny she would tell me.

I cleaned my entire room and organized all my papers/notes from fall quarter! Woo! And dusted my dusty room.

I went and bought new running shoes today….i had my mom buy them for me as my “Christmas present” since I desperately needed them and I didn’t feel like spending money. So I go to the sports store and like I felt soooo stupid trying to find a pair of shoes, like I just felt ugly and I felt dumb and I felt like so awkward and uncomfortable….and the ppl who worked at the store kept asking if I needed help finding a shoe and I kept saying no thanks, butttt then my mom goes and snags some girl who worked there to help me find a size, and she like measured my foot, and like kept asking me questions, and asked me about where I went to school, and like ahhhhh I just felt so uncomfortable. I hate the people in the stores that are working there cuz I feel like they all are thinking “what a loser” when I am there shopping, yet they are all cheerful and helpful…hahaha, like idk I just feel SO stupid when I am shopping UNLESS I like am dressed up with makeup on and my hair fixed, then I feel like confident browsing around a store trying on 10 different pairs of shoes, or asking for help, or whatever. Ugh ugh ugh I am sooo glad that is over. Phew. I got asics, they are green and grey and super gel-cushy and lightweight and I am gonna run like crazy in them, yayyy!

“my god your tiny”

Highlight of the day: I ran into an old friend/acquaintance that I went to college with, and he said my name and I noticed him and then we talked for a while and one of the first things he said was “my god your tiny” and I was thinking the following thoughts in this order: I am HUGE, he is lying, why would he lie?, if only he would have seen me at my smallest then I could be classified as tiny, I look just as fat as the girl who weighs 198lbs on the biggest looser, maybe I am smaller? No, hes just saying that to be nice.
Hahah yes those are an exact replica of my thoughts ^^ haha. Godddd it was really exciting though, but like I seriously feel enormousfathugehugefattyyyhuge!!!!!!!!
I ate: burrito 300, coconut macaroons 400, sugar cookies: 400, dough: 200. WTF????? I came home from school and my mom was making sugar cookies, coconut macaroons, and Russian peacan tea cookies or some weird shit like that. I only ate 2 coconut macaroons, 2 sugar cookies, 1 burrito, and 2 dough pieces, but those calories are my own estimates, prolly a little high, but I always count 1 cookie as 200 cals…just an odd habit of mine. Whoops. I don’t even know why. I mean I think it was honestly mostly curiosity, cuz they were all NEW recipes. I am a dumbfuck. Curious? I was curious but from now on my fat self is gonna stay curious. Well I will be fasting from here on out, I PROMISE.
Done with exams. Thank goooodness.. .now just wait for my grades to be posted. Ugh so exhausted from studying today. I think I did good, much better then expected, but we will wait and see.
I am so sad that I start to make friends right when the qtr ends, and then I never will see them again cuz they are just “school friends” but I wish my school friends could be “real life” friends too, cuz a lot of my “school friends” I have tons in common with/would probably be great friends with….buttt it never turns out that way.
Positives: I will be able to catch up on sleep, I can now work out, I am gonna book a massage appt tomorrow (I deserve it), I can watch mindless TV, I can blog more!

ahh!

Ahhh!!! Final exams tomorrow. So worried. Holy hell! Like my heart rate has not slowed down for the last week!!! good news is I have been restricting significantly better then usual. Wooo! Winter break is almost here! I have so much to get accomplished this winter break! I am going on vacation also winter break (where I will eat literally near nothing for 6 days)! I am just a nervous wreck! Send me positive energy via blogger for my exams pretty pleasssse, k? lol. Ill update more soon, think positive & think thin & do amazing!! & goodluck to everyone else who is prepping for finals….i feel your pain, lol!

What I hate is the fact that I cant cry. I want to cry, but I cant. Because when I cry my eyes get all puffey my lips turn red, eyes bloodshot, and my face gets blotchy….and it takes a good few hours beforeit returns to normal. I cant cry because since I am at home I will have my parents or my sisters or my dad ask me “whats wrong?” and I don’t feel like trying to explain myself. I cried last night when everyone was asleep, and surprise surprise my eyes were practically swollen shut this morning they were so puffy…no one asked my about it thank god.

I have to not care about anything or anyone, because as soon as I care about someone then their problems and sadness make ME so sad its like heartbreaking/crushing. That is why I distance myself from my mom, my dad, my little sister, everyone. I cant be close to them, because if I let myself care about them I will just become so overwhelmingly sad FOR them that it will tear me apart. So I have forced myself to not care about anyone, I force myself to not be close to them. Its like all or nothing. I have to hate my mom, because if I don’t hate her and if I care about her, I will be too sad. So hating her is easier then caring about her. Its easier to feel nothing/indifferent than to be sad.

….its kinda weird, I never really understood why I hated my family, but I think this is why, and it has taken me a long time to realize this.

Like I don’t care about world hunger, I don’t care about the homeless, I don’t care about sick people, I don’t care about genocide, I don’t care about ALL these things I should care about, but I feel totally indifferent about them, because if I let myself care it will make me so overwhelmingly sad, so I force myself/don’t allow myself to care about anything.

...ive accomplished so much school wise lately. i finished a final paper for one of my classes! woo! i wrote i think uhhh 1, 2, 3, 4 papers since i last blogged! jesus! school blows, thank god winter break is almost here. i am fucking huge i havent been to the gym in so damn long. my mom bought me sugar free coconut coffe syrup (0 cals) omg exciting/yum! <3 stay strong lovelies ill post probablly nxt week...sooo sooo busy!!

Ate: Homemade turkey noodle soup= 300 cals, sugarfree lifesavers 18 cals. Total 318. Yesterday I ate just 1 homemade taco (400 cals).

Gym: I haven’t gone since Friday! Ahhh! Too bad upcoming finals are consuming all my time. So tired. So stressed. Fatty to -do list.

Freezing cold yet again….the cold/lack of food is making me unable to sleep lately…. which in a weird way I enjoy, because it reminds me of last winter when I ate prettymuch nothing, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep because my bones felt like they were poking me, and my thoughts were always racing, and my mind was too busy, and I was so cold, and I was exhausted constantly but I was also full of adrenalin at the same time. It was amazing to say the least….after a while I stopped feeling hungry, stopped craving food, I just internalized that it was not an option, and that I NEEDED to starve, I needed it, like screwing up/binging/eating wasn’t even an option. Like oh my god, I was a crazy person then (in a good way), I also lost 20 lbs in 2 months then. I keep trying to think of what the differences were from then till now, and I keep trying to get back to the mindset/place I was at before. I am getting there, I am really on my way there. I am almost to the point where I will have unwavering control.