I weigh 109-110ish…Hmm I guess a good diet is to get so horribly stressed/anxious/depressed you cannot even imagine eating. That has basically been me lately. Idk if its “real” weight loss, I mean I am probably just NOT full of food/fluids, and that’s why I weigh less, either way its nice, if the reasons for it happening weren’t so shit. I forced myself to eat an apple the other day because I was gonna be driving for 1 hour and when I am starving and driving I feel really roadsick/become borderline blackout.

Im having troubles with my bf. I don’t wanna get into it. We didn’t talk for a couple days, I got so sad all I wanted to do was sleep and lay in my room in the dark. I hate when things are unsettled/shakey with us, because it distracts me SO bad from other things. Like thank god I didn’t have any school stuff to get done. First day back at school was today, ugh totally depressing. BUT I don’t have one of my classes till mon, and the orientation to my other class till wed. so I kinda have a few days left of freedom to screw around. I think I will go to the gym tomorrow morning. no I WILL go to the gym tomorrow morning. I want my bf to call me. I hate waiting for him to call me, but I feel like when iiiiii call him it’s like “admitting defeat” in a way. He’s a man, he can call me, I just wish he would want to have called sayyyyyy 1 hour ago. Grrrrrr.

I weighed 111 today, woo! I don’t look 111 though in my opinion…I am weird. I have fantasies about the weirdest things, but maybe these things will sound normal to some of you... I want to be skinny, very skinny. I want girls who to feel fucking huge and hate their life when they see how small I am. I want girls to see how small I am and feel like total shit about their self and for them to be jealous and for them to talk shit with their equally chubby friends about how “she must stare herself” but really they silently WISH they had the willpower to quit stuffing their face…….i don’t mean this to apply to ALL girls, im not a total bitch, just the FEW girls I dislike. Girls who have done me wrong. Me getting skinny is my indirect fuck you to everyone I dislike. Its like I am automatically better then every girl who I am smaller than. Lol make sense? or am I just totally out of my god damn mind? haha or both.
Im introducing my best friend to my bf’s friend, so I am kinda nervous about that, I don’t want an awkward night. I think I will have some wine/light beer/a shot or two to calm my ass down. I hate drinking, cuz it’s empty cals. But I feel so much better when I am drunk-ish. I feel almost/slightly/kinda-a little good about myself and almost semi-sorta-ish happy. So I’ll plan on that for tonight, probably 3 drinks, im a lightweight and I have not ate all day today & don’t plan to so it won’t take much to give me a nice buzz.
Sunday I went to my bf’s house and he had a potluck type thingy and all his friends came over and we cooked dinner, and it was amazing and fun and such a good time, and we had every burner on the stove going, electric griddles going, microwaves, and everyone was cooking something different and we were all drinking and making a mess trying to chop up apples to put in the apple pancakes, and scramble eggs, and stuff. Oh god it was funnnn! I drank mimosas, and spent most of my time helping prepare the food and not eating the food. But anyways….his friends give me so much positive attention I loveeeeee it, they just think I am the cutest thing, which is crazy to me. And I know it is 100% innocent, cuz his friends are nice guys they would never try to steal me from him or persue me in annnyyy way, but when they give me hugs or call me baby or love, or beautiful, but I knowwww it HAS to make my bf a litttttttle bit jealouse,…which I like. He can be jealouse, maybe it will make him treat me better if he feels threatened and sees other guys giving me attention….there is gonna be another “Sunday dinner” with all his friends this Sunday, I am excited for it.
I wana weigh 105 by the time my spring break is over. Idk if I can lose a noticeable amt of weight in a week but I want to try. So I should probably hit the damn gym tomorrow. <3 starve on

I weigh 113 today. I WAS weighing 110 about a week or so ago. But that got messed up obviously, but I want to get back there soon, preferably by Sunday….
We have been having potlucks a lot in school for the end of class party things. And there is TONS of food and all the fat, like actually fat fat girls go over and get a plate and take like some cantaloupe, and grapes, and oranges and celery. Like HA HA who are you trying to fool??? You weigh 200ish lbs because you eat shit and have no self control, don’t try to put on a front for your fellow students. Lol stuff like that entertains me. The potlucks are like one big nightmare to me, like I watch people eat 6 or 7 cookies in a row, while I am mentally doing addition and multiplication thinking of how many calories they are consuming. I can not eat anything anymore without having do to math.

So I am almost on spring break, woo! I need a break from school so bad, I cant wait to SLEEP, and exercise, and have time to spend 2 hours making my hair and makeup look perfect, and all those things that normal 20year old girls get to do when they are not having their life be consumed with nursing school. I also NEED a haircut, but my haircuts never look good, so I just end up not ever getting haircuts, cuz I never have any good haircut ideas of what to get, so I just kinda give up. Also my hair is really thin/fine so I can’t pull off a lot of haircuts. Ugh. ….i want to go do something fun for st pattys day, but no one has invited me to g anywhere/do anything yet.