Im home! My “vacation” was lovely!
Sat: nothing
Sun: ate 20 cals burnt 400ish
Mon: ate 70 cals, burnt 550ish at gym
Tues: ate 318ish cals, burnt 550ish at gym
Wed: ate 125 cals, burnt 650ish at gym

We drank loads of tea, black coffee, and water and diet pop. Its soooooo fucking easy to not eat when I am with my best friend, like no one tempting me with baked goodies, no one pressuring me to eat, it was just pure bliss! haha. and her gym is bomb, lotsa machines I wasn’t used to using though so that made working out somewhat more confusing/harder in a way. But overall it was a greatttt trip! I gotta unpack all my clothes and stuff, ugh….wierd thing that happened, the first couple nights I had this weird sensation, I was sitting on the couch and it felt like the entire couch/room was moving, it felt like I was sitting still but the room was turning upside down, and I like gasped and jolted really quick and then it stopped. It happened again the next night too. No food yet today, who knows if it will stay that way, cuz my mom is baking for new years, ahhh uggghh.

ate: nothing Gym: burnt 800ish cals. Tomorrow I leave! Going with my best friend & getting the hell out of town! We both decided we will not eat a single calorie the entire trip, all 6 days, and we are going to work out daily for probably 4 hour sessions. Haha. We are crazy. & don’t worry I am pretty sure we wont die from it. I am packing currently, ahh idk what to bring and what not to bring, I always over pack! We might go to some parties so that means I should pack cute clothes…ha! I havefucking none…because for the last year I have kept saying “whats the point I am fat” even when I was 103 I didn’t buy clothes because I still thought I was fat….so bascailly I haven’t bought new clothes in for-freeking-ever. Ugh. I think my best ev will let me borrow some clothes, cuz we will be staying at her apt, sooo yeah. Packing sucks! I hope I don’t forget like everything. Wooo! Ill blog when I get back after new years, but I wont be able to during the trip. I hope everyone does amazingly well when I am away and I will have lots of updates to read when I get back about how wonderful everyone is doing! : ) <3>

pictures of my pet! (I have no life)

This is my pet rooster, his name is pip. He is a white silky bantum chicken, aka he is the most goofey looking bird ever, he doesn’t have feathers he has fur, and for Christmas we took his Mohawk and tied a little blue ribbon in it, hahaha, & he loved it I swear….ha no he probably felt emasculated. But I love my pet chickens, we spoil them, seriously. But he needs a bath, way bad. Okay now that I have officially made myself look crazy….lol adios!

long post--why I hate xmas gift giving

warning: possibly rude/insulting….I wrote this letter and honestly thought about mailing it out to my family/family friends….but obviously my parents would flip a bitch on me if I did so. But I encourage you to all read it and think about it, I know everyone’s family is different, but for my family situation this totally hits the nail on the head, like I know a lot of people DO get presents they love, and give presents they know the recipient will love, but for me this is how it is, and my parents think I am “fucked up/a bitch/have problems” because I think in the following way (what the letter says).....

"Dear Family & Friends,
I am writing this letter to prevent future conflict, awkwardness, and misunderstandings. I am totally and completely against Christmas gift giving, so please do not purchase Christmas gifts for me, if you do continue to purchase me Christmas presents I will feel totally insulted that you were unable to respect my wishes and take me seriously. The following reasons should help clarify why I feel the way I do:

I’m 19: I am not saying this just to get attention, or to “be cute”, or “to be a bitch” or because I “am saying no but I realllyyyyy mean yes” so first of all let me just make that clear, I am writing this as a last ditch effort to get people to respect my wishes and understand where I am coming from, because all other attempts I have made to express this have not been taken seriously. I would honest to god rather induce vomiting and fake being sick then have to go to my grandparents and receive presents on Christmas Eve. Every year for Christmas my parents ask me what I want, every year I say “nothing” because there is nothing I want, then after further prying they ask again and again and then I realize there is something I DO want for Christmas, I WANT people to stop buying me Christmas gifts! And I tell my parents this, and I say “what I want is for you to tell everyone not to get me anything” but sadly they never listen because for some crazy reason they think I am lying/making it up.

Lies, Guilt & Awkwardness: every year I get presents that I do not want, would never want, would never use, do not like, do not care for, and downright hate, yet I am forced to open them smile and say “yay its what I have always wanted” “this is so cool” “thank you I love it” etc. etc. because it is socially unacceptable to open up a present and say “hah, yeah right like I would ever want hand lotion, I hate lotion” or “wow thanks for the gift card, I still haven’t spent the one you got me last year because I dislike shopping and I don’t have time to buy myself new clothes” Christmas forces me to lie, then I feel guilty for lying, and it is just an overall horribly awkward painful experience I am forced to endure. I would prefer physical pain over having to receive presents and pretending I like them.

Hassel/ Inconvenient/ Obligation: Why did you get me that present? Is it because you KNEW for a FACT that I always wanted such a gift and that I would be filled with joy upon receiving it, OR is it because it is Christmas and that is what one is “supposed to do”….obviously it is the later of those two options, because I can honestly say for as long as I can remember I have not liked/wanted/had any use for a single Christmas gift I have gotten. Why? What is the point of purchasing one a gift if you do not genuinely want to get them, or what is the point of purchasing one a gift that you are unsure of whether they will even like it or not? Christmas shopping is stressful, a hassle, it is inconvenient, and I do not want anyone to have to endure all the negativities of Christmas shopping on my behalf. Receiving a gift and knowing the gift was bought out of obligation or because the gift giver figured they were “supposed to or should” get their daughter/sister/niece/brother/son a gift is insulting.

What I really want?: No, don’t waste your time or money because guaranteed you will not get me anything I want, there is nothing I want. I have no need for material objects, or money, or trinkets, or clothes, no need at all. If I wanted something or if I need something I would go use MY money that I earned from work and I would go buy it for myself, so therefore anything I want or need I already own.

Waste of money: Enough said, I hate wasting money, especially when it is wasted on me.

Confined to a Day: say that you were shopping through the store and you see a bracelet and you are totally without a doubt in your mind convinced that your friend/sister/mother/cousin would absolutely love it, and if you are in the gift giving mood, well then why not go ahead and purchase it for them? Go for it, buy them the present! BUT Christmas is confided to a certain time frame, a certain day, which makes people feel that they have to/should/are supposed to exchange gifts during that time, which is retarded.

But I do love Christmas music, Christmas lights, Christmas baking, snow is pretty to look at, having a few weeks off school is also great, so I am not “anti-Christmas” I am just anti-Christmas-gift-giving. I am morally against Christmas gift giving, I think it is a retarded tradition that has been socialized to our culture as what is proper and normal, and anyone who breaks that norm is seen as an outcast. Sorry to inform you I am against Christmas gift giving, so go ahead and keep on buying others and receiving gifts from others that you don’t care for or want or need, but please from this day forward leave me out of the Christmas gift giving. Go ahead and call me a Grinch or a scrooge or whatever you so choose, just don’t buy me crap! Thank You!
With love,
Noelle"

.....Another reason to be depressed: my grandparents bought my sisters beautiful sweaters and jewelry and they got me a BOX OF CHOCOLATES and pajamas….cuz apparently I am both fat and a lazy slob? Fuckkkk. See this is why I hate Christmas gift giving! Like I don’t even like chocolates, I like white chocolate, I hate truffles/cream filled chocolates, and what kind of chocolates did they get me? Cream filled dark chocolate gross shit…..godddddddd. and the pj’s are red flannel and hideous! Like I hate presents that I don’t like, that my family wasted money on me, and it also makes me sad how totally clueless they are as to what I like. I never want to eat again.

I hate my family so so soooooo much its unbelievable, I know angst teenagers say that all the time, but I seriously mean it. Whenever I have the means to do so, I am going to move far far away, change my name, change my haircolor, leave no trace of evidence and say a big fuck you to my family, and they will never see me again, they won’t know if I am dead or alive, if I am rich or poor, in jail, married, if they have grandkids, nope I WILL disappear. Whats funny is I tell them this ALL the time, and they think I am kidding!!! Haaaaahhhh!!! Mark my words. It will happen, its just a matter of when.

I was so pissed of that I had to go to my grandparents house I was kind of throwing a fit before we left to go to their house, and so I sat at dinner and didn’t eat a single thing and my mom asked if I was gonna eat anything, and I just smiled in the most “bitch fuck you” type of smile and sweetly said “nope” and she just huffed, and that was that, I got away with not eating a single bite at dinner. Well I put a piece of bread on my plate, and threw it away. No one said shit about it. Thank god. I seriously can’t wait till I am 80lbs, because it WILL make my parents pissed off, and I fuckign hate them and so pissign them off is enjoyable to me! I am horrible and I am going to hell, I know, I know. I swear I am only this mean to my family, I am totally lovey and sweet and caring and niceto everyone else, even total strangers….haha hard to believe, but it promise its true.

painting i made!

Fall quarter class grades: 4.0, 3.9, 3.5….cumulative QUARTERLY GPA= 3.8. holy fucking shit, these are the worst grades I have got in my entire 3 years at college for a quarter. I have never got a grade as low as a 3.5 before, like this has broke my heart a little bit. Most people think these are “good” grades, but good isn’t perfect now is it? …okay rant over…cry cry cry, I shooda tried harder, or something, or fucked my professor for a grade, or who knows what.

Uhmm so ive had a sore throat for the last few days, my skin has been breaking out, I went to the dermatologist got some prescriptions, and I said to my dr “so after a couple months if these creams don’t work, what do we do next?” and he goes “then we shoot you” and I say “ huh, shoot me??” and he goes “yeah, we’ll just shoot you, and put you outta your misery” and he chuckles. Hahaha? wtf? I have a crazy/funny dermatologist. But seriously he probably shoodnt have said that to a depressed girl like myself.

I am gonna post a picture of a painting I made 2 days ago….its creepy….i promise I am not crazed! Seriously! ….no clue how to post pictures, but im gonna try...i also need to learn how to delete pictures after positing them, so i can delete any pics i post of myself

I leave to go on vacation w/ my best friend on the 27th! Thank fuckign god! All my family has done is baked SO much food, and I have been sleeping in till 2pm, and then taking more naps all day long, and just being a lazy fuck,….i guess I am making up for lost time since I was super busy/stressed for the last 2 quarters. Its hard to resist food when it is like BAM in my face 24/7. My entire family is home, my mom doesn’t work during breaks from school, my dad is on vacation too. Ughhhhh. I hate it. I hate it so much. Not eating today, I have had 4 cookies, that is 4 cookies too many, no more food. I am avoiding an xmas party just cuz I don’t wanna eat, or get ready to go to it cuz I have seriously been lazy/grubby/it will take me like 7 hours to make myself look semi-decent at the state I am in.

Gym: burnt 670cals. It was killer, not going for like 2 weeks and then going for the first time made me realize how quickly once can lose their endurance.
Ate: 5 pieces of teriyaki (like chicken nugget sized things) (300) rice (200) *sigh* if only I could avoid family dinners….
Things my sister said that were retarded: “your arms are the size of an infant” “you better be careful getting a massage, they might break you” “the massage therapist might refer you to a doctor” ……these were all basically things she said saying how I am too skinny. Seriously my sister must be crazyyy. I am huge. I am not at all skinny. Right now I look totally normal, not skinny. I think she just has a really wrong perception of how my body is because she rememberrrrrs me as being 103/my parents always yelling at me to eat. Like my entire family is retarded, I am not at all skinny, it like makes me pissed. I will have to post pics of me soon and have all of you tell me if I am a. obese b. fat c. normal/average d. averagly slim e. skinny or f. too skiny. Cuz either I am crazy or they are crazy, and I want to prove that iiiiii have a totally clear perception of how I look and that theyyyy are dumbasses. my best friend tells me there is NO WAY I am skinny, and that if I was too skinny she would tell me.

I cleaned my entire room and organized all my papers/notes from fall quarter! Woo! And dusted my dusty room.

I went and bought new running shoes today….i had my mom buy them for me as my “Christmas present” since I desperately needed them and I didn’t feel like spending money. So I go to the sports store and like I felt soooo stupid trying to find a pair of shoes, like I just felt ugly and I felt dumb and I felt like so awkward and uncomfortable….and the ppl who worked at the store kept asking if I needed help finding a shoe and I kept saying no thanks, butttt then my mom goes and snags some girl who worked there to help me find a size, and she like measured my foot, and like kept asking me questions, and asked me about where I went to school, and like ahhhhh I just felt so uncomfortable. I hate the people in the stores that are working there cuz I feel like they all are thinking “what a loser” when I am there shopping, yet they are all cheerful and helpful…hahaha, like idk I just feel SO stupid when I am shopping UNLESS I like am dressed up with makeup on and my hair fixed, then I feel like confident browsing around a store trying on 10 different pairs of shoes, or asking for help, or whatever. Ugh ugh ugh I am sooo glad that is over. Phew. I got asics, they are green and grey and super gel-cushy and lightweight and I am gonna run like crazy in them, yayyy!

“my god your tiny”

Highlight of the day: I ran into an old friend/acquaintance that I went to college with, and he said my name and I noticed him and then we talked for a while and one of the first things he said was “my god your tiny” and I was thinking the following thoughts in this order: I am HUGE, he is lying, why would he lie?, if only he would have seen me at my smallest then I could be classified as tiny, I look just as fat as the girl who weighs 198lbs on the biggest looser, maybe I am smaller? No, hes just saying that to be nice.
Hahah yes those are an exact replica of my thoughts ^^ haha. Godddd it was really exciting though, but like I seriously feel enormousfathugehugefattyyyhuge!!!!!!!!
I ate: burrito 300, coconut macaroons 400, sugar cookies: 400, dough: 200. WTF????? I came home from school and my mom was making sugar cookies, coconut macaroons, and Russian peacan tea cookies or some weird shit like that. I only ate 2 coconut macaroons, 2 sugar cookies, 1 burrito, and 2 dough pieces, but those calories are my own estimates, prolly a little high, but I always count 1 cookie as 200 cals…just an odd habit of mine. Whoops. I don’t even know why. I mean I think it was honestly mostly curiosity, cuz they were all NEW recipes. I am a dumbfuck. Curious? I was curious but from now on my fat self is gonna stay curious. Well I will be fasting from here on out, I PROMISE.
Done with exams. Thank goooodness.. .now just wait for my grades to be posted. Ugh so exhausted from studying today. I think I did good, much better then expected, but we will wait and see.
I am so sad that I start to make friends right when the qtr ends, and then I never will see them again cuz they are just “school friends” but I wish my school friends could be “real life” friends too, cuz a lot of my “school friends” I have tons in common with/would probably be great friends with….buttt it never turns out that way.
Positives: I will be able to catch up on sleep, I can now work out, I am gonna book a massage appt tomorrow (I deserve it), I can watch mindless TV, I can blog more!

ahh!

Ahhh!!! Final exams tomorrow. So worried. Holy hell! Like my heart rate has not slowed down for the last week!!! good news is I have been restricting significantly better then usual. Wooo! Winter break is almost here! I have so much to get accomplished this winter break! I am going on vacation also winter break (where I will eat literally near nothing for 6 days)! I am just a nervous wreck! Send me positive energy via blogger for my exams pretty pleasssse, k? lol. Ill update more soon, think positive & think thin & do amazing!! & goodluck to everyone else who is prepping for finals….i feel your pain, lol!

What I hate is the fact that I cant cry. I want to cry, but I cant. Because when I cry my eyes get all puffey my lips turn red, eyes bloodshot, and my face gets blotchy….and it takes a good few hours beforeit returns to normal. I cant cry because since I am at home I will have my parents or my sisters or my dad ask me “whats wrong?” and I don’t feel like trying to explain myself. I cried last night when everyone was asleep, and surprise surprise my eyes were practically swollen shut this morning they were so puffy…no one asked my about it thank god.

I have to not care about anything or anyone, because as soon as I care about someone then their problems and sadness make ME so sad its like heartbreaking/crushing. That is why I distance myself from my mom, my dad, my little sister, everyone. I cant be close to them, because if I let myself care about them I will just become so overwhelmingly sad FOR them that it will tear me apart. So I have forced myself to not care about anyone, I force myself to not be close to them. Its like all or nothing. I have to hate my mom, because if I don’t hate her and if I care about her, I will be too sad. So hating her is easier then caring about her. Its easier to feel nothing/indifferent than to be sad.

….its kinda weird, I never really understood why I hated my family, but I think this is why, and it has taken me a long time to realize this.

Like I don’t care about world hunger, I don’t care about the homeless, I don’t care about sick people, I don’t care about genocide, I don’t care about ALL these things I should care about, but I feel totally indifferent about them, because if I let myself care it will make me so overwhelmingly sad, so I force myself/don’t allow myself to care about anything.

...ive accomplished so much school wise lately. i finished a final paper for one of my classes! woo! i wrote i think uhhh 1, 2, 3, 4 papers since i last blogged! jesus! school blows, thank god winter break is almost here. i am fucking huge i havent been to the gym in so damn long. my mom bought me sugar free coconut coffe syrup (0 cals) omg exciting/yum! <3 stay strong lovelies ill post probablly nxt week...sooo sooo busy!!

Ate: Homemade turkey noodle soup= 300 cals, sugarfree lifesavers 18 cals. Total 318. Yesterday I ate just 1 homemade taco (400 cals).

Gym: I haven’t gone since Friday! Ahhh! Too bad upcoming finals are consuming all my time. So tired. So stressed. Fatty to -do list.

Freezing cold yet again….the cold/lack of food is making me unable to sleep lately…. which in a weird way I enjoy, because it reminds me of last winter when I ate prettymuch nothing, and I wouldn’t be able to sleep because my bones felt like they were poking me, and my thoughts were always racing, and my mind was too busy, and I was so cold, and I was exhausted constantly but I was also full of adrenalin at the same time. It was amazing to say the least….after a while I stopped feeling hungry, stopped craving food, I just internalized that it was not an option, and that I NEEDED to starve, I needed it, like screwing up/binging/eating wasn’t even an option. Like oh my god, I was a crazy person then (in a good way), I also lost 20 lbs in 2 months then. I keep trying to think of what the differences were from then till now, and I keep trying to get back to the mindset/place I was at before. I am getting there, I am really on my way there. I am almost to the point where I will have unwavering control.

08 vs 09

There is a hot turkey burger sitting in a box in my closet. Ew ewe w puke! Gross. Oh well, it’s better than having to eat it I guess. I was totally able to get away with not eating dinner today, which is rare, and good for me. 0 cals consumed today, but also I didn’t go to the gym, it just felt wayyyy too good sleeping in.

Thanksgiving was fun, more fun than most years, I got to see my best friend for a few hours cuz she was in town! Yay for the first time since like august, wow!!! I curled my hair and did my makeup and wore a dress, because I wanted to remind my family/best friend/(myself also) that I cannnnn look somewhat/sorta/kinda pretty if I try….usually they only always see me in sweats/pajamas/with messy hair and no makeup.

Funny how different things get in just ~365 days…..

Thanksgiving 2008:
I ate till I was stuffed, then ate some more, then ate desert
I drank caloriefilled punch, with vodka in it
I had my BF come over after dinner, and we were the cutest happiest couple ever
I weighed about 130ish
Best friend and I talked about black Friday shopping mostly
Gym? What gym? Was not a member of any gym.

Thanksgiving 2009:
I ate as little as possible, and didn’t eat any desert
I drank black coffee and diet dr pepper and water, and I cant even imagine drinking calories!
My X-BF did not come over but he called me, I ignored the call, and he left me a message on my phone, which I listened to and felt totally indifferent about.
I weighed about 105ish
Best friend and I talked about our plans to lose weight and have total domination over all other girls by being skinnier then them.
Chewed and spit some chocolates….kinda unintentionally once again…
Felt really annoyed/distraught that the gym was closed on this holiday

Lol
I am beyond sick of school.
I feel really lonely lately also.

Super good mood!

Ate: granola bar + ¼ of a cookie (200) chew and spit a couple cookies…..not intentionally I just kinda realized there was no way in fuck I could allow myself to swallow even more calories, like I could not do it. But then I kept wanting to eat a cookie but then regretting putting it in my mouth and spittign it out…. so that was the chew and spit…it was weird, I usually don’t do that. Dinner, pasta (300)

Gym: burnt 550. Weak!!! For some reason I think me and my sister left earlier and that’s why I burnt less, we are both all off schedule due to me having my first class canceled today.
My mom went shopping and bought diet dr pepper!! Yay!! And millstone vanilla coffe grounds (0cals) yay!!! This will make my life a little easier.

I come home and she asks me if I want to see her pumpkin-toffee cheesecake she made? See it? Uhhh yeah mom I totalllllly want to stare at a cheesecake that I cant eat until thanksgiving dinner (that is if I wanted to eat it, which I don’t) so I just yelled no and booked it to my room. God my house has morphed into a restaurant. I am hiding in my room and not coming out unless forced. I don’t want to be around all that food.

My professor gave us a pop quiz today, which he does often, butttt he made all the answers super obvious, and every single answer was “B”. like some of them were actually laugh out loud funny because they were so easy and ridiculous, and it was hilarious because it is so out of character for him, hes like the type of professor who I think lovessss trick questions on exams normally. So that kinda made me day, and I got out of class a half hour early! Woo!

So as if I needed any more motivation to loose weight, my boobs! Ahh!!! Like none of my bras fit right, like seriously u know how bras are size “32 A” or “34 C” or whatever the measurement not of the cup size but of the inches, like that measurement on me, like right below my boobs is like litrally 26 inches, its abnormally small, (the rest of me is not though lol) and so like no bras ever fit me because the smallest size I have ever seen is 30. And so like all my bras are too big in the like band area that goes around your chest. Sooo I basically just wear totally unfitting bras or I wear sportsbras, because they fit properly. Ugh ugh ugh, when I was 103 I wore sports bras every day cuz my boobs were nonexistent. I miss that so fuckign much. Boobs boobs disappear!! They are incontinent and like uncomfortable, and bras are uncomfortable and they make wearing clothes uncomfortable, and they just all round suck so much. I literally wish I had the chest of a 10 year old boy. Haha.

I live a really uninteresting life

That’s why the lack of bloggingness…. Just school mainly, and going to the gym, and listening to my parents obsess over what to cook for thanksgiving, and freezing!

Ate: 2 small homemade chocolate white chocolate chip cookies (500?)
Gym: burnt 700

I get SO cold at school its painful! Like yes there is heat indoors but I think that just the fact that on school days I am running on empty (I never eat except dinner which I am forced to eat around like 5-7pm…whenever it gets cooked…and on school days I don’t get home till like 7pm so I am at school with 0 cals in my system) I get so cold I feel like I cant hold my pen to take notes! Haha. Like holy shit its horrible. I mean what do I do wear a snowsuit to school? My ideas so far include: wear more clothes (but I feel like the type of cold I have is one that is colder then clothes, if that makes sense…) bring handwarmers to school (those hot hands things), maybe a hot watterbottle and like stick in in my shirt? Haha. Or maybe like microwave a potatoe and stick it in my pocket….yes I am serious, I heard that’s what they would do in the olden days to stay warm…..

I am currently waiting for my mom to get home and take me shopping, I am gonna buy some like micro fleece zip ups, or other warm clothes, I wanted to wait till I am smaller to buy new clothes but I am so cold always that I cant wait any longer.

I told my xbf not to call or text me anymore. I told him I would contact him once I weigh 90lbs or less, because until then i feel like talking to him just distracts me and demotivates me…its weird.

off topic much

Gym: burnt 650 cals (while reading 3 chapters for school! 2 birds one stone)

Ate: I chicken leg ( way small no skin, no sauces), 1 cup white rice, 1 tsp soy sauce, 14 pieces of dried plums, 1 homemade granola bar. Kinda a lot I know….i suck. At least I made it to the gym….and also at least I resisted the pumpkin spice muffins my mom made, and the tostada she brought home for me, and the rest of the amazing homemade granola bars.

I have a fatty to do list of things I must accomplish this weekend, none which are any fun….i also have a to do list of things I will do once I am skinny….lol its really lame I know, but it makes me remember not to fuck up…..i might share some of it later…

The following is not relevant/interesting, feel free to stop reading now :

Sooo the paper I wrote a while back (my midterm paper) I got a 3.9 on!! Which I usually would be pissed for not getting a 4.0 but this class is sooo unorganized/unpredictable/spacey professor/assignments changing daily/etc. that I am thrilled I got a 3.9 on it. Woo! And I sit by a group of like 5 guys in that class and they all got like 3.4’s on their papers, and they were all impressed. Because here I am, some 19 year old girl that doesn’t look very smart and I got the best grade in the class. Then they all wanted to read my paper and see what comments our professor wrote on it so they could know what our prof is looking for in an A quality paper. I am pretty proud of myself, considering I worked my ass off on that paper. Also on the day we turned in our papers I was like “omg I am going to fail this paper, I am so sad I have like given up on school blah blah mope mope wine wine bitch bitch” and I swear to god I truly thought that. (lack of self confidence much? ) and then they all gave me shit for thinking I was gonna fail, and I was like “no I seriously musta got lucky or something I didn’t expect this at all”. Wow how lame am I for getting this excited? Very lame. But whatever all I have to be proud of at at the moment.

question 6.

1. I have been busy trying to write a really hellish paper on a really lame book….a book that my professor wrote, which makes it even harder to write a decent paper about because he is obviously an expert on the book if he wrote it.

2. I have been doing good lately food wise and gym wise. Waking up early and going even though I really just want to sleep ALL day. The scale hasn’t budged 105-107 range. Fuckshitfuck.

3. I hate how loosing weight takes time, even if I only eat 200 cals per day and burn 700 cals at the gym it still takes time, its just inevitable, and its frustrating as hell

4. I asked my sister if my arms had gotten fatter and she said yeah right they look like skeleton’s arms, the same size and the same color. So is my sister crazy and delusional or am I? hmmm.

5. I am moving in with one of my best friends, temporarily, she has a super cute amazing condo and I am gonna stay with her during my winter break, for 1 month and we are both going to go to the gym and just fast like nonstop. We have already discussed our plan. Yes its crazy but I am aware of that.

6. I NEED new shoes. A few months back my little sister, mom and my sisters friend went to the gym and my sisters friend fucking wore my shoes!!! I didn’t know about it till later…and she totally like heelfucked my shoes, and by heelfucked I mean she did that thing where you put your feet in your shoes but not your heels cuz you are too damn lazy to unlace them, and walk with your foot halfway in the shoe yeah she did that after leaving the gym to my shoes, so now the heel of my shoe is like ruined, and like is all messed up and permanently indented and just not lined up right. Also I have had these shoes for 4 years! Crazy huh? I used them for conditioning when I wrestled in 10th grade (yes I did wrestling but I promise you I am not your stereotypical dyke-like female wrestler, you never would guess it just by looking at me lol), so I ran lots in them then, and then I was lazy and fat for like a couple years and since jan 2009 I have been really active. So my question is any recommendations for good running shoes brand/make? I just run around my neighborhood/at the gym on the cardio machines, I usually do about 6 miles per day average. Any brand of running shoe that you got that just made you wanna run faster and jump higher? Haha. If so let me know, I am not a serious runner so I honestly have no clue what a good brand is. I want a new pair asap, but I have no time to school because school rules my life, unfortunatlly.

~

Gym: (I was to lazy to go in the morning but I DID go at night!! ) burnt 600ish cals
Ate: ½ a English muffin w/ tuna, 5 spoonfuls of mac n cheese.

Totally unproductive schoolwise. Totally have to read a book that’s 400 pgs and write a paper on it by wed, totally procrastinating because I HATE that class like to highest possible level of hatred.

My friend wants me to come over again this Saturday and drink with her. I admit it was fun, but the calories are what is worrying me. Its 70cals per 1 oz of the run she is gonna get, sooo I figure I will just hit the gym extra hard before and after?? What should I do? Ugh…why does alcohol have to be so fun and so high cal?

I told my xbf that I didn’t want to see him until I lose a significant amt of weight. He didn’t understand why, I told him that I can’t be fully happy unless I am skinny, and that until I am skinny I am gonna be a grumpy, mopey, self-pitying miserable piece of shit, and so that he shouldn’t even bother hanging out with me until I am skinny again. Because once I am skinny I will be confident, happy, floating on top of the world, carefree, and I will be able to spend quality time with him. It sounds retarded but its true.

I told him that I would compare my NEED to lose weight as important as the need for a drug addict to get help, I told him that me loosing this weight was something I needed to do for my own well being and that if he truly cared about me he would understand that I need to focus on doing what I want and what I need first before I can focus my love and attention towards him.
…oh yeah he knows about my totally unhealthy crazed weight loss ways, and he doesn’t try to stop me.

But seriously until I am happy with myself, and love myself more I canttttt be in a relationship or have any sort of relationship with him, it wouldn’t be fair to him, because I would be a mess and I would be crying and wining about how much I hate myself 24/7 so its best that I just stay away from him and focus on ME and what I need at the moment.

105

Happy veterans day!

The last time I weighed myself was Saturday, I weighed 105.

It made me pretty pissed cuz I feel my weight has been going down SO SLOWLY, but like honestly I HAVENT been going to the gym regularly, at all, so its no surprise really, for me, I only can loose weight if I restrict a lot and go to the gym, so that’s why I am at 105. But I LOOK huge, I don’t look the same as i did when I was at 105 before, I think it is because I useddddd to weigh 105 and I was like toned/somewhat had muscle, and so thats why I looked “better” then at 105 then I do now. I seriously LOOK like I weigh 120, my body is probably alllll fat now and no muscle at all that’s why my weight is “low” but I look like fucking shit…. Fml fml.

I haven’t been to the gym in fucking forever! I just feel have been exhausted lately, its horrible. I will just take random naps and then wake up at 1am and then go to sleep till 10am and then realize I slept for like 14 hours and try to be productive. Ahh! Must stop my crazy sleep patterns…I think its more being depressed and unmotivated then actuallll tiredness.

I am pissed at life, starving helps relieve some of the anxiety that goes with that, but being pissed/depressed/unmotivated doesn’t help me get my ass to the gym, which is bad.
I NEED to do better, will someone slap some sense into me and tell me to hit the gym at 5 am daily like I once used to do? Please?

I had so much fun last night!

Yesterday I went to the store and bought a liter of sprite zero and the 5 cal lemonade, and pineapple juice for mixers, and then I realized “fuck if I come home with this my mom will knowww I am going to be drinking tonight” so I somehow fit ALL of it in my purse, haha I thought it was about to break, and the clanging of cans and sloshing of liquids also was pretty much a dead giveaway, but I managed to sneak it into my overnight bag i was bringing to my friends.

My mom cooked a fatty breakfast yesterday with eggs, bacon, pancakes, hashbrowns, etc. more fatty fat food, toast, god damn, and I ate 2 whole wheat pancakes, I couldn’t avoid breakfast unfortunately. Then when I was with my friend last night she made a really big deal about me not getting anything to eat, which was unusual of her, so she made me eat 320cals worth of jack in the box, ughhh. But it was either eat, or make her mad, and most people I wouldn’t mind pissing off but shes one of my most dear friends so I just complied and opened my mouth. Then I drank basically the entire bottle of watermelon sour, no clue the calories in that, but I know it had to be a shit ton, flavored alcohol= super sugar filled and full of calories. Like I knewww that was gonna happen ahead of time, I did not expect my mom to make me eat breakfast or my friend to make me eat fast food though, which sucks, but I am not gonna cry too much over it.
Today I woke up feeling like shittt, and we went for coffee, which helped my pounding headache slightly, and then we cleaned my friends entire house! I am such a good friend, I know.

I ate dinner tonight, a porkchop, carrots and a slice of french bread. Blahhhh, I had no choice but to eat dinner. Fuck I need to hit the gym tomorrow, that’s for sure. I have a feeling I gained a good 2 lbs from all my intake yesterday….shitttt….oh well i guess. Why does socializing have to involve food??? Blahh.

I didn’t do my reading for one of my classes, nooo motivation today after I got home. I suck. Oh well I have a 6 day weekend to catch up on schoolwork I guess, but if class has a quiz tomorrow I am screwed…and oddly I don’t care?

Good last few days

Wed: I aced the hell out of my midterm, it was a bluebook essay exam, which means I wrote for 2 hours nonstop as fast as I could, my hand was in so much pain. Phew, glad that’s over. All I ate was a small dinner, ¼ of a turkey burger.

Thurs: ½ a cup of soup (200) and ½ a grilled cheese sandwich (300)

My sleep has been sooo screwy, because I didn’t sleep for like 40 hours, because of being busy/stressed, and then I woke up at like 3am on Wednesday so I turned my alarm off because I was up before it went off, and then forgot to reset it, so then I slept in hella thursday, and now I am just all out of wack.

Today: I burnt 600 cals at the gym, ate 200 cals work of chicken breast

Tomorrow: I am hanging out with one of my beautiful bestest friends! Is it retarded of me that I spent like an hour deciding what I am going to wear for tomorrow when I see her? Haha (yes it is) but like the last 2 times I hung out with her I looked all grubby and gross so I guess I just want her to not forget that I don’t always look as hideous as I did the last few times I saw her! And we are going to make some drinks! ….which will be nice, I haven’t drank in ages, she is getting melon liquor, yumm. And I am going to bake an angel food cake and bring it over, cuz she will like that, and its pretty damn low cal for a cake, since it only has egg whites, cream of tarter, ¼ cup of flour, almond and vanilla extract and 1 cup sugar. The only ingredients that really even have any significant amt of cals is the sugar and flour.

I need to go to the bank, I need to go get my eyebrows waxed, buy some makeup, buy pineapple juice and sprite zero, uhh and oh yeah do some reading. Busy busy, lots of errands to run.

I really should go to the gym tomorrow because I am going to drink a shit ton of calories most likely, even though all the mixers will be low cal. Ugh, but the gym opens later on Saturdays so that’s unfortunate, cuz I would prefer to just go at 5am and get my exercise outta the way.

My best friend and I have been trying super hard to get fit for winter break. She is texting me all the time keeping me motivated, it really helps, and she writes me emails every night telling me what she ate and how much she worked out, we both do it. God I just wish this weight could come off quicker, oh well I am doing the best I can for my circumstances.

I can’t wait for veterans day!! I think I will like bake cookies or watercolor paint a card or do something nice for my grandpa, because he’s a veteran, and I feel like being a nice granddaughter, because I am really lazy these days and don’t have the time I used to have when I was in elementary school, I used to draw my entire family Christmas, birthday, and thanksgiving cards,( awww), lol!

I remember why I hate my Xbf:

...because he uses really smart long descriptive indirect ways of describing really simple shit, and then his answers to my questions leave me with more questions, he is really shitty at explaining what he is trying to say, he takes long pauses when he is talking sometimes ( I HATE THAT, I love fast talkers, like me!) his phone seems to NEVER be charged!? Seriously, plug your phone in at night, in the morning it will be charged its that simple, his phone always gives the low battery signal and then dies mid conversation which is frustrating as hell, because 1. Hes to fucking dumb to remember to charge his phone and 2. I get pissed because he will usually be like driving or not at home and then I have to wait like 3 hours before the conversation can be resumed, and this leads me to be curious/annoyed! GD it.

The only reason I still communicate with him is cuz of that parents thing (I wrote about it in some other post) oh and also because sometimes I just get realllyyyy bored and realllllyyy lonely, but only if I am really really of both those things. Ha, yes I am lame/mean/horrible (to him) and pretty pathetic at the same time, but he also doesn’t care about me or anything at all so its not like I am leading him on.

I realized that spell check does not have suggested words for profanity, hahaha. No I didn’t mean bucking, ducking, or tucking, but thanks for the suggestions computer!

Food: spinach salad, noodles with pesto (my small dinner I had to eat)
Gym: no gym till after wed.

I went to meet my study group, on campus I saw one of my friends and he was like “ well don’t you just look adorable, you look so cute” (he meant it in a totally non-hitting on me way) and he thought my shirt was so cute, which made me slightly happy….too bad he is like 40 and so a 40 year olds opinion aren’t what I am after, lol! But it was this super brighty-plaid shirt that’s like 4 years old I got from American Eagle, its great and yes it is super cute, and its nice to be noticed, even if its just by my friends who are twice my age.

One of the girls in my study groups brought me a sugarfree Americano!! (she works as a barista) and that totally made my day even better! And it was delicious and made me so happy, it was the nicest thing ever!!!

On the way home I heard good songs on the radio!

My mom told me to eat a piece of pizza I said “YUM” then she walked outside, and I proceeded to microwave it spray it with hairspray and stash it in my room….crazy? yes! Effective, also yes.

perfect day

I ate: diet wild cherry pepsi, black coffee, 0 cals
Gym: nope, no gym for me till after wed.

Well my mom packed me a lunch again today (because suddenly I am in elementary school again?) so I threw away the bagel (ugh I hate wasting food! I should just give it to some bums or something, but I mean I would feel weird just offering it to someone who looked like they needed it ya know) and I kept the Halloween candy in my car glove box (incase I am feeling faint and need to boost my blood sugar to drive, lol seriously though, I keep food stashed in my car for that purpose…or if my car gets stranded in a ditch or something)

Took one midterm today. Glad that’s over, now I just have to WAIT for the grade, ugh, the wait is killer. I am excited to take my other midterm on wed, because I am actually pretty confident I am gonna rock it! And I have a study group for it tomorrow and wed, so that’s like extra assurance I will do well.

So breakfast and lunch were easily avoided (I was gone all day) and then for dinner I came home, and my mom was at the gym, my sisters were upstairs and my dad said “ there is lasagna for you in the fridge” and I was like thinking that I would just scoop some in a bowl, so the bowl looked messy/used and then scoop my serving back into the main huge pan of it….buttttt my mom had took the pan of lasagna and like pre-cut it into pieces, so that way it would be obvious if I ate one piece, or if I ate non, so I am thinking wtf mom, like she totallyyyy did that on purpose, and I am trying to find a way to make it looked like I ate the lasagna without actually eating it, sooo then I realize my purse and backpack are right next to me…..and so while dads back was turned I snuck the entire fatty piece of lasagna into my purse! Haha, but it was soooo sly because I always drop my backpack and coat and purse off next to me at the dinner table, so he didn’t even think twice about me hiding my food in my purse. But yeah the only reason I could pull that off was cuz the entire family had already ate/no one was watching meee eat so I was able to throw it in my purse.

LOL I remember one day, around May when my parents were constantlllyyy on my case about eating my mom cooked me 2 eggo waffles, and she made my little sister watch me to make sure I ate them, but my little sister turned her back for a moment and I shoved the waffles down my sports bra. Hahaha. Like sports bras are convient for hiding food, (well at least the ones I own, cuz they have room to stuff food into, like cuz they have more coverage then a regular bra). I totally forgot about that until now, I need to use that method more often.

Sooo yeahh today was a perfect day of fasting for me, horray! …maybe I will make it last all of tomorrow also.

Halloween =

...my mom baking pumpkin sugar cookies, popcorn balls (apparently they are a Halloween-ish treat? lol), caramel apples, and she bought candy. Ugh… I stayed the hell out of the kitchen for most of the day, but I was having my mom quiz me/help me study for my midterm while she was baking so I ended up eating a few sugar cookies. And 6 “fun size” pieces of candy! Ahh!!! And I had a small bowl of chili for dinner. It wasn’t a good day, but it wasn’t an utter failure either….i should have resisted the candy, I think I just ate it cuz it was there and because I wanted an excuse to take breaks from studying. But I felt so sick by the time I went to bed, I felt all overheated and my stomach hurt and I just felt like I was full of sugar and I dano I just felt yucky and sick like.

On Halloween my best friend called me and said how she had partied the last 3 days in a row and how she wasn’t gonna party on Halloween because she was just like done with partying from the last 3 days, and how she felt like such a looser for sitting at home on Halloween….uhhhh wow what did I do on Halloween? Sit at home. Ha ha ha. But what’s even worse is that it is soooo totally normal for me to sit at home on a Friday or Saturday night or on a holiday, that I didn’t even think of it. Oh and by “sit at home” I mean study my ass off/do mass amounts of schoolwork, whileeee being at home. I swear I would have a raging social life if I wasn’t such a good student. Like on the 4th of july I stayed home and worked on doing blood labs for my anatomy class. On my birthday I studied for a math final. I almost wish I was making this up…..but I am not.

I haven’t been to the gym in forever! Sad.

Today I just had loads of caffeine, diet pop, and a tiny tiny bowl of chili for dinner, under 300 cals. I was forced to eat dinner, as always. I love chili though, my mom makes it homemade, its amazing, and ultra ultra spicy, in some sick way I love burning the hell out of my mouth and throat with food.

Tomorrow me and my best friend are fasting, feel free to join in on the fun, perfect day tomorrow…except no gym because I have a midterm tomorrow so I will study before school.

one word:

Midterms.

One Nov 2nd, one Nov 4th, one Nov 9th. So I must study like crazy, andddd try to keep up with the re-fucking-diculose amts of reading my professors assign!! Annnndd keep up with the lame papers I have to write!!!!!! Ahhh!!!! Like I came home from school on wed night and I see my older sis, and she said exactly what I was thinking: “yeah no gym time” and I was like “ yeah no gym for a week, midterms” and that was that. It seems almost impossible for me to be able to get done everything I need to get done. I am going to have to just not do the readings for my classes and just scramble to catch up after midterms, because right now my priority is acing these fatty exams worth nearly half my grade. Fuck fuck fuckkkkk.

This makes me sad, because I legitimately don’t have the time to go to the gym, unless I want to do significantly worse on my exams then I would like to. Sooo I will be posting veryyy little until this hellish week gets over. Godddd, whyyyy did my school have to start a week later this fall? Like now midterms are during Halloween! Last year I am pretty sure I was done with them before Halloween!

No gym.no food.loads of caffine, that’s my plan for the week, ill let u know how it goes!

10-27-09

Gym time: burnt 600ish cals.

Today I ate: craisins (140 cal) 30 green grapes (too lazy to check cals) I pecan (also too lazy to do the math to divide and figure out what 1 pecan is) I spoonful of angel food cake batter (cuz I was curious if angel food cake batter is any good….its not btw) 3 cups black coffee (0 cals) 2 diet pepsi (0 cals)

I texted with my best friend for a bit, she has had “perfect days” the last 2 days, which is great for her, and motivated me to do well/resisting temptations. My other good friend told me she lost 7lbs since her and her bf broke up, so everyone I know is involved in the totally unhealthy-lack of eating habits thing, which is nice for me. My friend asked me for a recommendation of what cigarettes to buy, cuz she wanted to “take the edge off”…not quite sure what she meant by that, but I was happy to offer my advice. A “good friend” would say “no don’t smoke, its horrible for you” but iiiiiii think being a good friend is supporting the decisions of one’s friends, and not lecturing them, unless they are willing to learn.

I need to buy: diet pop (Sunkist, dr pepper, cherry coke zero), more millstone coffee, or other flavored grounds that are 0 cals, more sports bras, more sugar free gum, sugar free cream savers, sugar free jello,

Dinner was hamburgers. Ughhh, I hate hamburgers for dinner because I HAVE to eat the entire burger, like there is no avoiding it, I cant say “mom I only want a half a burger” she would flip abitch on me and tell me to eat the entire burger….. like foods like pastas or spaghettis or soups I can get away with sneaking a littttlle tinyyy portion of them, without the entire family totally noticing I am trying to eat very little. So blah. Hamburger (500 cals max I will guess)

My mom made strawberry shortcake! Yum! I totally resisted it, and pretended to be asleep when she was yelling for me to come have some. Goddd. I went a little bit crazy for a while it was soo hard to not eat something sweet, I was like pacing around, my mind was racing then I just told myself no way was I going to add to my fatness. Andddd I practiced self control! Yay for me I guess, even though I shouldn’t have ate the random weird snacks I ate earlier (grapes and crasisns and the spoon full of batter and the one pecan (lol random) )

<3>

I kicked ass today!

So gym at 6am. Burnt 700 cals. Came home drank coffee coffee lots of coffee. Shower, school. I bought a sugar free Americano … entirely in change I found in my car, I barely had enough to pay for it. Then while in the coffee shop my ring slipped off my finger and fell onto the floor and shattered into 4 pieces! I was so sad, it’s my favorite ring ever, it’s made out of bone, and it has these cool carvings on it, and I get loads of compliments on it, and I consider it to be lucky, and now I am super sad that it is shattered to pieces.

I came home and my mom and sister were gone, and there was a pot of homemade chicken noodle soup on the stove (my little sister is sick) and so I scooped the tiniest scoop into the bowl, ate it (it was maybe like 8 spoons full…) and then poured myself a cup of coffee and got the hell out of the kitchen. So when my mom came home, the dirty dish was evidence of me eating dinner, so I got away with avoiding dinner, which is rare. The few spoon fulls of soup had to be less than 100 cals. So overall I did great eating wise today.

My best friend and I have a goal to loose 10 lbs by winter break (2 months, totally doable) I mean I have lost 20 lbs in 2 months before so 10lbs in 2 months should be possible. And then we will celebrate our success some way, like maybe we will go to the aquarium, or go buy new gym shorts, or something fun like that. I just need to remember it is never worth it to eat, never ever ever. I am never happy enough with my body to eat, I never feel good about myself after I eat, so I need to just remember all those things. I love knowing and feeling superhuman and totally in control and disciplined.

Rant time:

My xbf’s parents are total assholes to me. Like for some reason whenever I would go to his house they would just try to belittle me, or talk down on me, or embarrass me, or make me feel stupid or wrong, and I hated it and I didn’t understand it….i mean I still don’t understand it, whyyy does a 50 year old dad feel the need to make his son’s 18 year old girlfriend feel like shit? I feel like they were always “competing” with me, or trying to one-up me at everything, but I totally wasn’t trying to do that to them. Like maybe they are just super insecure, or jealous, or who knows what. I mean I was a wonderful GF to their son, I really was. I was polite, I dressed nice, I would occasionally bake cookies or scones and bring them to his family, I always tried to talk to his parents and like get to know them, and I was sincere about it all, but for some totally unknown reason they hated me. I honestly have no.clue.why.

So since they talked down on me/tried to make me feel like a dumbass/were mean to me/etc. etc. I like started to believe it, and I got CRAZILY insecure. Like they just cut and cut and cut all my self esteem away, slowly, piece by piece. I mean all my insecurities were compounded by like 50 times. I used to be sorta happy/sorta okay with my looks/sorta confident, but because of their constant negativity, and degrading I started to feel worse and worse about myself. This sounds stupid as fuck, but one of the MAIN reasons I decided to hardcore start loosing weight back in January was so his parents would like me more…. I mean I had done everything else I could possibly think of to make them like me, so I thought maybe if I am skinny they will see me in a better light, and I thought maybe they just don’t like me because I am fat. And when I did lose the weight they were really shocked and surprised, and they noticed it, and they were impressed, and I felt a slight rush of happiness that they noticed, and that my hard work paid off……but it didn’t change anything they still were total bitches to me, but they did notice, they did get a reaction, and I am guessing they were a bit jealous, because I mean honestly everyone knows that whenever you see someone you know lose weight it makes you feel jealous/feel sad because you think “god damnit theyyyy lost weight, why can’t I lose weight?” and you get jealous of their determination/motivation/self control….(because let’s face it most people dontttt have the determination/motivation/self control to loose weight). It is something that still bugs me, that his parents never accepted me. It really gets to me. Me and my X-bf still talk every now and then, and like this is fucked up and weird and confusing, but I honestly REALLY want to loose a ton of weight, and then go over to his house and have his parents notice, and gasp at how small I am. I just want a reaction from them for some reason. I think it is because theyyy totally tore away all my self esteem, and so the only way I think I can “heal” and feel somewhat better about myself is if I get that gasping/surprised/shocked/amazed reaction from them regarding my weight loss. So one of the only reasons I even maintain contact with my X-bf is so I can eventually go over to his house and get the reaction I NEED from his parents…..yes this is all a little nuts….i am aware of that…but it’s the total and complete truth, even though it is crazy and odd for probably all of you to understand.

10-24

Sooo yesterday was going great I had done lots of studying, and ate no food, and even drank lots of h20! …until my mom came home and brought doughnuts! Ahh! And I seriously cant resist trying new foods. It sounds stupid but I HAVE to try something, because I get so curious my mind goes insane. Sooo I tried the chocolate coconut doughnut, and then I tried the other 2 flavors….just tried little pieces of them. Then for some reason I ended up eating the entire things, and then I ate a mini pizza, and then tortillas, and chicken, and milkyways. I am a horrible fat person. If I ever wondered why I am fat…uhh this is why. Fuckk meee. Full on binge…I thought I was like over my binges/totally done with them….apparently not….but I NEED to be. Ugh ugh ughhhhhhhh. I NEED to do better.

So today I went to the gym with my parents. They only stayed 50 mins…but I burnt 600ish cals in that amt of time, which is good….obviously I had a shit ton of energy for working out cuz of last night. I was burning like 11.7 cals per minute on the machine, I was sweating like crazy, while reading a women’s health magazine, it was a great workout overall.

Today I just drank loads and loads of coffee…to the point where my heart rate was sorta freaking me out. Then I had dinner my mom made, which was French bread and ravioli. Omg amazing. I could have ate the entire freekign bowl, but I kept it to a small small serving. It was hard. So no food today except the small dinner. Phew.

Also, I almost cried today because my mom sent me a text to look in the garage fridge, and so I did and there is a BOX of twix bars. Omg. Like a box of the full size ones. Holy shit. I looked at the calories for one, it was 280…I thought about eating half of one (140)…I thought about how I diiiiddd go to the gym today…then I picked one up…then I looked at the calories again…then I almost opened it….then I remembered what my best friend always says “its NEVER worth it”….and then I remembered how she says “calories cant make you happy”….then I remembered how if I ate the twix bar I would probably just want 10 more…then I put it down…closed the fridge and walked the hell away. It was a trip….then I went and grabbed a diet pepsi, ran upstairs and watched csi/some documentary on horrible crimes in attempt to distract myself/deter my appetite. Oh goodness.

I realized that on winter break I will most likely see people I haven’t seen in a long time, like my friends that will be coming home from their schools for winter break….that means extra reason to loose a shit ton of weight…I loveeeeee when ppl ask me “have you lost weight” it’s the golden question. I really want my friends I haven’t seen in a while to see me and gasp and then be jealous and feel like fat shit compared to me.

nice day

I ate: I small taco that I was forced to eat cuz I was home for dinner, I doubt it was over 400 calories. Oh and I also ate one oreo cookie 56.6 calories (yeah I shouldn’t have ate it I know)

Gym: I did cardio for 75 mins and I burnt 800 cals! (yay that’s higher then I usually do)I had lots of energy I didn’t feel tired at all, that’s probably because I went right after dinner with my mom instead of going in the morning.

I was sorta productive today, I did a lot of reading for one of my classes, 2 chapters took me 7 hours….no I am not retarded or a slow reader at all, the stuff I am reading about is just sooo dry/the chapters are HUGE…and the font is tiny! Then everyone came home from work/school and the house got all loud so I had to end my reading session.

I got to talk to my best friend today, so that was nice, she motivated me to do really well today, and look I did! I also did a little watercolor painting….totally could have spent that hour studying or reading….mehhh oh well.

I drank probably 5 cups of black coffee today, yumm.
I found my fm/am walkman today while I was looking through my desk drawers. Hahaha I got it when I was 6 for my birthday, it is a tape player/radio. I remember I got it and a Shania twain tape to go in it when I was 6. Lol I was so cool….sooo I put batteries in it and I have been listening to the radio on it, because for some reason the radio in my room only gets reception for a few stations, and all my favorite stations don’t come in too well.

God I can’t wait for winter break! I am going to dye my hair most likely, so that way if it looks leik total shit I can have 2 weeks to try to undo the damage, I am going to be able to actually hang out with friends and go places and do things and not spend my days stuck doing shit for school, I will be able to shop, I will be skinnier by then, I will knit some scarves, I will be able to sleep all day! Only 2 more months!

Dear god!

me and my best friend talked about this concept once before, how no one knows I am smart unless they get to know me, no one knows I am nice unless they get to know me, no one knows I might be funny, or interesting, or caring, no one can know that unless they find out more about me. BUT being skinny is something people notice/see right off the bat, you don’t need to open your mouth, you don’t need to say or do anything. Its like getting recognition instantly. Because when you are thin people automatically think that wow that girl must have really good discipline/self control/ dedication to her body. Looks are honest, looks don’t lie. I want that instant recognition/gratification, because I feel that very few people actually know/think/believe I am smart, or nice, or a wonderful friend, or anything else positive about me.

My mom bought millstone vanilla flavored coffee! 0 cals! Woo! I will be drinking that all day, yumm! I haven’t been to the gym in fucking forever. I have been sleeping in during the morning/hanging out with friends/being lazy. I blame it on being depressed about school…..whichhh I have to go to my school and attend some political forum type events and write about them for a class. UGH! Like I don’t want to go to school on my day offfff of classes, but I have to. So I will be there all fucking day, because the forums are spaced apart…. Oh well at least I wont eat. Hopefully I will get some homework done in between the two events…

.

busy!

No food whatsoever today. Just a sugar free Americano. But no gym today or all weekend, which is horrible and pathetic of me. Ugh I have been so busy with school, and visiting friends all weekend. My legs hurt super bad. I have a super fun day planned tomorrow, but I don’t know what to wear, ugh.

I fuckign hate being so huge. I just wanted to yell today when I looked at myself in the mirror. I have to be TINY by winter break! thats like 2 months!

Don’t compliment me, don’t tell me I am pretty, don’t tell me I am skinny, because then I start to believe it and I let my guard down and I eat…..I am never going to be pretty enough or happy enough or small enough to eat. Goddd. My friend and her BF were both complimenting me like crazy when I was over there, like I seriously think everyone in the world is crazy. I am not pretty, I am like average. I am not skinny, I am once again average. Everyone is crazy.

long post

Weight: 105

Ate: 2 “fun size” m&ms (200 cal) poptart (200 cal) tortilla (200) craisins (150). (fuckkkkkk right? But my mom had the day off work, sooo she was home for breakfast and lunch, and like I was supperrr depressed about schoolwork, like I have honestly almost given up, and so I was juts laying in bed at 2pm and my mom was like whats wrong and I told her I couldn’t think I couldn’t read and I couldn’t do school and I gave up and I felt depressed about how hard school is, and thennnn my mom said “you have no energy because you haven’t ate, u need to eat something” and I said “no I have no energy because trying to study/read for my classes is soooo draining” (which is theee truth). And then she got pissed at me, and then my older sister once again chirped in about how I needed to eat. Soooo that is the result of that. Then force fed dinner of chicken and mac and cheese (600) total 1350!!!!!!! Ahhh!!!!! Oh well it coda been worse. They made me eat that shit, I couldn’t avoid it.

Gym: burnt 650 cals

There was this special K commercial that shows ppl throwing their scales out the window and then it says something like “jeans don’t lie” which I thought was really funny because I always evaluate my weight loss based on my collection of jeans….but then when I notice they are fitting baggy on me I make up excuses like “they are just baggy because I haven’t washed them lately” or “they are probably just stretched out from trying them on so many times 2 weeks ago” or “these jeans are just old, that’s why they fit looser now, they are falling apart” like I don’t even trust my jeans, I feel like my jeans and my scale lie to me, but overall I trust jeans more then my scale.

Like the last time I was 105ish weight I remember it was near impossible for me to shave my armpits because my arms were so skinny and concave-like (this sounds weird/confusing I know…hopefully it makes sommme sense) butt I donttt currently have that problem, sooo this makes me mad because even though I weigh 105 today I am not in my mind an accurate representation of 105. I LOOK like I weigh fucking 120!!!!

I am hanging out with one of my really good friends on Sunday. She has some pretty unhealthy eating (well uhmm lack there of) habits also, but she encourages/supports my ways sooo its all good (god I am really lucky my 2 best friends are totally accepting of it/do the same thing as me). In 11th grade she got down to a freakishly skinny weight, and looked amazing, and so she is kinda trying to do that route again….shes prettymuch gained back all the weight she lost.. . and she wants to start loosing again. She tells me that I am too skinny (well she did when I was 103) and like we hung out in may and we went to meet up with her friend and she was like “this is my friend Noelle, look at how tiny her arms are” and then she grabbed my arm and raised it in the air….hahaha it was the only time I have been introduced like that, even though it was kinda weird/awkward, it was still a complement in my mind. and I met her BF that day also, and then like a week later when we hung out again her BF was like “oh your hanging out with Noelle, is that your super skinny friend?”

But yeah she was like “if I lived with you I would be sooo skinny” which is true. I mean if I lived in a house full of girls that all had the same goals/didn’t have loads of junk food in the cupboards/didn’t have parents and sisters nagging me to eat I would be 20x smaller then I already am. I want to live in a house with me and all my beautiful starving friends and the house will have apples, celery, sugar free jello, diet pop, crystal light, lemons, and various other veggies in it….and no junk food! And the house will have lots of workout equipment, and a library full of good books to read, and good movies to watch, and a fireplace to keep me warm, and one biggg closet full of beautiful tiny clothes we could all share. God that would be amazing, even if it was only for like a month or so, it would still be wonderful….me and my girlfriends seriously discuss this idea all the time, if only, if onlyyyy.

OMG millstone flavored coffee=amazing. My dad brought home a sample of the hazelnut cream flavor, and it is the bestttt coffee ever, even black, which I know a lot of ppl cant stomach black coffee (I can and I do) but if you are one of those ppl who cant handle black coffee seriously this one is sooo deliciously flavored/not bitter/tastes like a freeking latte but it is just coffee grounds you brew, and it tastes amazing! And I looked up the cals online and it says it has 0. Soo that’s good. There was no nutrition info on the bag cuz it was a sample size, so I am gonna go to the grocery store and look on the bags there and double check, but like 3 different random websites online said that all the millstone flavored coffee beans have 0 cals! Like it tastes just as good if not better then a cup of black coffee with flavored coffee mate added to it! I am in loveeee!

i fail.

I weighed 106-107ish today. I went to the gym bright and early. Burned 650 cals, I felt really tired/short of breath today while at the gym, ugh.


My mom bought me a titanium waterbottle! Finally!i hope it doesn’t leak, I seriously have had a near impossible time finding a reusable waterbottle that doesn’t leak. She also asked me if I wanted a granolabar, and since I was on my bed with my laptop on me and a notebook and books all on my lap she offered to bring it to me, and then she left, and so I knew I had to open it so the wrapper would be evidence I ate it….ughhh….so yeah I sprayed hairspray on it and I hid it in this box where I hide food until I can later dispose of it. God it was hard to not eat it.!! I had 2 pieces of gum and 2 sugar free hard candies (25 cal) sooo that made my mind screaming eat shut up for a while.

Dinner was leftover spaghetti/garlic bread (700?) and then I ate chocolate (200?) grrr I am so embarrassed to admit it, but I am not gonna lie. I feel so lame for choooosing to eat the chocolate. It was one Halloween size crunch and one Halloween size plain m&ms. So food wise today I failed, but I mean at least it wasn’t a fatty binge. I have officially overcame the “fuck it all I might as well binge” attitude. Like I totally have conquered that mindset!

Well that’s really all that’s new in my not at all adventurous life. I went and tried on my sisters jeans, just to see if I could fit in them, and I do! Yay! Now I have more clothing options…if she lets me borrow them that is.

Plan for tomorrow: coffee, gym, shower, coffee, studyyyy, not eat, coffee, sleep. Wow, how fun.

107

Yesterday I ate 1 small homemade taco. I was home for dinner, so had no choice but to eat. But the tortillas were homemade and it was with lean ground turkey, and it was really really small. I would guess it is definitely under 400 cals. Its way tinier then anything I had ever at taco bell, lol.

Today I ate: ½ piece garlic bread (140), one smalllll bowl of homemade spaghetti. I will guess its about 550 cals topsss, it was a small bowl, and the sauce was homemade and so were the noodles, (yes my mom is a superb cook/cooks everything instead of buying it) My favorite dinner items are the kind that like “you serve” if that makes any sense, like I hate when my mom cooks hamburgers or hot dogs, because each person gets one hamburger, and is expected to eat one hamburger….but foods like spaghetti you put as much noodles as you want in your bowl, and as much sauce as you want on top of it, and then its easier for me to get away with eating a smaller amount. I can just pretend that I had a big full bowl of it and I ate it super quick and the residue of the spaghetti sauce is like an alibi lol, but a hamburger i have to eat one entire one, or else i will raise suspicion…..lol yes pastas and chili are two dinners I request often.

NO gym for me today, unfortunately. My sister and I both slept in, it was really weird and rare because usually if one of us sleeps in the other will come and wake the other up, because we both hateee sleeping in/not utilizing our time. So my alarm went off, and I pressed snooze but then it never went off again. Sooo I woke up at 8am. Damnit. So we were both pretty pissed about that, so I think something crazy and magical had to have happened to make us both not wake up.



So as I was getting ready to go to school my mom asks me what I want in my lunch (wtf she never made me a lunch a single day all of last school year!?) and I pretend that I actually care, and I am like “uhhh what kind of bread do you have, oh ehhh I don’t like that kind how about your homemade bread, yeah with pepper jack cheese, oh and can you toast the bread” etc. etc. to make it seem like I reallllly cared what my sandwich was going to be like, like I was really going to eat it for lunch. And then I hear my older sister say “Noelle doesn’t eat lunch” and my mom goes “yes she does, shes a good girl now, she eats her lunch” uhhh, weird. I gave threw the sandwich away at school, gave the Halloween candy to my friend and the other food items I am waiting to sneak back into the pantry so I don’t have to waste them.

I weighed 107 today! Uhh weird?? I don’t look 107, I don’t feel 107, but I weigh 107. I feel like once again my scale is like pullin a trick on me, oh well, 107 is better then 110. I want to be 105 soon!!! Once I am 105, like a definite steady, clearly 105, then I will be able to breath a little easier, and be happier.

Today will be great!

I already went to the gym with my sis. Burned 670 cals. No food for me today.


2. I remember back in March I would smoke outside in the freezing cold before school, my skin was freakishly pale, and my clothes just hung off my body, way too big for me. *sigh* I miss that sooo much….i will be back there soon enough. I went to the smoke shop yesterday and they said that kretek cigs are now banned, but the smokeshop can still sell them until they run out of the ones they currently have in stock. I bought a pack of Djarum Reds, which is like a clove+cherry cigarette. I just got done smoking a couple of them, yum yum yum! All you girls who don’t live in the US I am jealous that you still are able to buy these fine smokes!

3. When I was skinny it was such a confidence boost. Like if I had a bad hair day, or if I decided not to wear makeup, or if I hadn’t showered I still felt pretty hot just because I knewwww I was skinnier then 90 percent of the girls at school. I want that confidence and happiness back!! Who needs makeup and designer jeans when you have collarbones and ribs showing?? Lol.

4. I remember I used to have to lock the door when I showered and bring clean clothes into the shower with me because my psycho mom would scream about my bones showing everytime I walked from my shower to my room in my towel. She used to yell at me and tell me to lift up my shirt so she could see how skinny I was…and I got paranoid that she was going to peep on me while showering just to see how skinny I truly was. haha. I would never show her my stomach and I would tell her she was crazy and creepy, and then I would realize how if she did lift up my shirt she would see my ribs and hipbones, and then I would rush and pile on more layers.

I hope everyone has a lovely day! Black coffee and tea for me today. Date tonight. :)

sad.

Bad last few days. I really don’t even know why. I weighed 110 today. FML. I weighed 106 the last time I posted. Whoops. I haven’t been going to they gym, I have been eating candy, and I have been beign fat as fuck. The weekends always are killer. Especially because I have 4 day weekends.

My fam went to my Uni’s football game, while I stayed at home because I didn’t want to go and have to deal with all the super good tailgating food…..yet I stayed at home and ate anyways( big fuckign whoops) ….. my sisters boyfriend was over and they were all getting ready to go to the game and I was like “I am so hungry, I cant stop eating, I never get full I am addicted to food” ( like I was saying it in a totally serious way but in a way that my sister and her bf would think it is mostly a joke…if that makes any sense at all…lol) because my mom wouldn’t let me eat any of the tailgating food because I was “being a bitch and not going to the game” so like all I wanted was one bite of the soup she made, just one bite to try it, and I was getting so frustrated just because of my own curiosity. And then right after I said the thing about me never getting full my sisters bf was like “yeah I find that hard to believe since your so skinny” and then my sister was like “poor noelle, she just doesn’t know howww to eat, because mom gives her mixed messages, one day she yells at her not eating enough, then the next day she wont even allow her one bite of food” and then we all just started laughing because it was sooo true. Thanks mom, I will blame all my issues on you. Ha.

So I just found out that because of HR 1256 the family smoking prevention and tobacco control act that was passed into law on sept 21 that kretek cigs, clove flavored cigs, and any other flavored cigarettes are ILLEGAL in the USA! Oh my god. I love Djarum cloves. Like I love love love them, they are one of my favorite things ever, I love how they taste, how they smell, how they give me something to do when I spend all day not eating, how they give me an excuse to walk outside and enjoy the sunshine when I have been stuck inside reading boring ass books for 3 hours in a row. I am so sad, like I had nooo clue, because the last time I went to the smoke shop was before sept 21st, and I bought 3 packs, so I haven’t been back since just out of sheer busyness/procrastination. So I have like Djarum clove cigarettes left, and I am just so sad about it, like I am in possession of an illegal substance technically I guess hahahaha. Goddddd. So now idk what I am gonna smoke….i guess they have Djarum “little filtered cigars” but who knows if they will be as good. I might try out a bunch of different “little cigars” that are clove/other flavored….primetime happy hour little cigars come in Appletini flavor, and they are the same size as cigs, I may try them. But I am just sad anyways. I am mostly sad because one of the main reasons this law got passed was because “flavored cigarettes make youth more likely to try smoking” sooo basically just supervise your damn kids and let me, someone who is 19, smoke my cloves in peace.

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Well anyways I confessed to me being a fatty this weekend. I promise I will do better. I want to be skinny for so many reasons. I always regret eating every time I do, I want my parents to worry about me, I want girls to say I am sickly thin, I want to fit into any outfit and look good in it, I want to regain the control I one had. Only 15 lbs to loose until I am 95. If I lost 20 lbs in 2 months last year, I can loose 15 lbs in 2 months this year! I need to do this!

today so far..

...me and my sister “slept in” today till 530, ha how pathetic is that? So we went to the gym, only stayed for 60 mins but I burned 550 cals, and I got super super sweaty, and worked out very intensely on the machines. When I was doing the stair stepper I all of a sudden got horrible stomach cramps and felt like I was going to black out, it was really weird.

Today I have had a cup of black coffee and that’s it so far. I really need to start drinking more water, like yesterday the only liquids I drank all day was 8 oz of water, and 2 cups of coffee. I don’t want my low weight to be false, based off of sever dehydration, so I need to try to start drinking way more water. When I was 103 I would drink like 4 cups a day out of this cup that held 32 ozs, at least.

I weighed 106/107 ish today! Woo. And I tried on my jeans and they definitely are fitting better, which made me sooo thrilled that I blasted upbeat music and danced around my room in my skinny jeans thinking of how proud I was of myself! My size 24 inch lucky brands fit me wayyy better, they are still probably too tight to wear but they are so close to being there, and that is exciting!

I will buy myself a pair of jeans from the Nordstrom rack when I get to 100 lbs, either a pair of sevens, maks, true religion, Hudson, or R&R, some type of nice pair of jeans…which at the rack they only cost about 100 dollars, and at the regular Nordys they cost like 150-300 depending on the brand. Its so worth it, they fit me wayyyy better and look way better then any cheaper jeans. Plus I have a giftcard to there that expires soon, in dec. I think, sooo that is extra pressure to loose even more weight.

Also my parents have been out of my hair for the first time in a long time. Thank god. They haven’t said one thing about me loosing any weight….but then again I do only wear baggy clothes at home, and I have only lost like 8 lbs since sept….they haven’t said shit about me skipping meals or going to the gym daily. Things are going good. I wish my parents could just realize that even though I have unhealthy habits it shouldn’t matter, because I still roll out of bed each day, I still have friends, I have energy, I go to school, I clean, I cook, I function like a totally normal 19 year old. What I do really doesn’t affect anyone but myself, I haven’t had to be hospitalized, I am still able to do the things I need to do. … honestly I think the only reason my parents got on my case before is because me being really skinny made me “a freak” and I was the “sick” kid, and it made them look bad as parents that their daughter “had an eating disorder” which meant I was “mentally fucked up” (Even though I wasn’t even crazy skinny at the time, and I was never diagnosed or anything, and my bmi wasn’t below 17.5 and I still got my period) and they hated having me make them look bad, or look like bad parents or something. Or maybe its because they love me and don’t want me to be miserable and slowly destroy my body…..lol but for some reason I convince myself that it’s the first reason listed.

perfect day

So tired! I have been up since 4amish and I went to classes/was on campus all day and I did 70 mins of cardio (burned 700 cals) and I ate zero calories today! Well pretty good day all in all, but I am not looking forward to my 15 item to do list I have to tackle this weekend.

I feel so proud of myself for going to the gym at 7pm, because it is soooo hard to make myself go to the gym at night, especially if I have had a busy day. So yay for me.

I am going to wake up at 4 am tomorrow, drink coffee, hit the gym, shower and then do mass amounts of schoolwork/random other tasks...thats the plan, i wrote it down, i am sticking to it.



Well yeah boring post, but that’s my life….idk what I weigh I have been avoiding the scale for a few days because I don’t want to see the same number next time I step on it.

try this...

...Random thing I read in womens health: a tip for avoiding cravings/not giving in to junk food and whatnot is to dress nice for the day, like wear some makeup and a cute outfit that makes you feel sexy, because I guess the logic behind it is that if you go about your day looking like hell/not being dressed/not showered you kinda just think/feel not as confident/good about yourself so you are more likely to have the thought process of “I am ugly as hell anyways I might as well just eat” but when you dress up you feel more confident/happy with your appearance and yourself so you are more likely to think “wow I am lookin good today, I don’t wanna mess up my awesomeness by eating that slice of cake”. Lol sorry I cant explain this theory as good as the mag did, but it is really so true…..even though 5 days a week I don’t wear makeup, or do my hair, and I wear sweats and baggy tshirts. Haha, I mean why would I do my makeup/hair/dress up when I am going to be sitting at my desk at home reading boring school books? But try it out, the results will surprise you.

10-05-09

Soo after exhausting my options, I decided I am keeping my current schedule. Dangit. Only because I really cant find anything better, oh well at least I don’t have to worry about it anymore, its settled, its done, its final.

Today I ate: 2 pumpkin cookies (400 cals) and 1 SF white choc/coconut Americano. (20 cals)

my mom packed me a lunch for school (haha super elementary I know) cuz I was going to be gone an extra 3.5 hours today, I threw it in the trash the moment I got to school. Sad, I know, but I had no one else to give it to, sooo it had to be done……on a freeking disgusting note, I also threw in the trash some pancakes that had been rotting in my room the last week or so…or maybe more. Ew ew ew…..i had them wrapped in several layers of saran wrap and inside a ziplock bag, so they didn’t smell up my room or anything, but uhhh yeah nxt time I hide food I need to remember to dispose of it promptly the next day, cuz that was seriously gross.

No gym today because I was up since 4 am and I didn’t get home till 7pm and I had to clean house/wash my hair/I was just beat from being so busy and running around like a frantic freak all day. (yes I know I am making excuses for myself again! Ugh I suck)

But tomorrow I DO plan on going to the gym, early in the morning, go and get it outta the way. I then plan on either A. spending all day getting all dolled up, curling my hair, and picking out an outfit to wear on a date or B. coming home from the gym, and writing a paper/studying/reading. Option A is definitely most fun, but I haven’t heard back from my friend yet so idk if I will or will not be seeing him tomorrow….which is frustrating because I like to have things planned out well in advance.

...pointless rant

No gym today. I talked myself out of going, because I suck. I told myself I would study for my classes and get ahead and be productive instead of work out…..yeah I lied to myself.

I am really stressed because I am trying to change my schedule, and since classes have already started it is going to be really difficult to change classes since they will all most likely be full. So tomorrow I am going to get to campus around 7 am and try to figure out a new schedule, ugh so frustrating, so stressful, so annoying, but its something I so neeeeed to do, so as soon as that’s over and done with I can have more peace of mind.

I play this really weird game, but I try not to do it too often. I try on every pair of jeans I own and I analyze how loosely/tightly they fit me….the less often I do it, the more exciting/dramatic the results are. Like my size 1 HCO jeans didn’t fit me this summer (after I gained a good 10 lbs due to summer school/family intervening) buttttt now my size 1 HCO jeans I can get them on zip them up and they are tight/give me a veryyy slight muffin top lol butttt before, like in the summer I couldn’t even get the jeans to fit over my entire ass. Haha.

I am prayingggg I can keep my schedule I have now, time and day wise, and just find an afternoon class to replace the class I am trying to drop! I am so worried about my potential new schedule. I worry over dumb stuff I know, I know. But like all my thoughts are focused on that, and I feel as soon as tomorrow is over and done with I can focus better on shrinking my fat body.

Back to school

No gym for me the last 2 days, just getting ready for school to start has been time consuming. Yesterday I didn’t eat a single thing all day and then I came home around 7pm and my mom just got her new kitchen aid mixer thingy and my mom is an amazing cook and she was so excited about getting it that she made scones, cookies, apple pie, and bread…………I was super stressed about my unorganized/messy class that I am taking and I was freeking out thinking I am gonna fail it and whatnot and so I searched for classes to switch into and there wasn’t anything and then I ate…..scones, cookies, and more and more shit. Whooopps. Major fuckign whoops. I felt crazy and sick after eating like my heart was beating a million miles an hour I felt like I had just taken drugs, I think it was just my body freeking out or something cuz of the change in food. Then I got really sick from eating all that, sooo hopefully I wont gain as much weight. I weighed 105 yesterday….107 today, damnit.

But today me and my older sis woke up at 5am and hit the gym at 6, worked out for an hour, I burnt 600 clas. I am happy that now that me and my sis both started school we can get back into our old routine of hitting the gym daily at 6am. I drank coffee (black) beforehand, and usually I don’t drink coffe before I go to the gym, but I did because I was sooo sleepy, and it made me feel so much more awake, and I also have read from multiple sources that coffee drank before exercising reduces your muscle fatigue and your pain perception, so you can work out longer/stronger. So drink up. I love the vibe of going to the gym early. What I do is I sleep in my next day gym clothes (which are comfey) so that way I can just roll outta bed and go instead of having to change clothes and get all cold. Lol. Also your body temp is lower in the morning then any other time of the day so working out early is “easier” for that reason too. Remember morning people will rule the world. Try waking up super early to work out, its great fun, I promise. No food today for me except my unavoidable fam dinner. Stay strong everyone, & hopefully you all are doing better than I am!

09-29-09

Yesterday I ate: 1 chicken salad sandwich (450 tops, is my guess…I was force fed it since I was home for dinenr), ½ a small pancake (uhhh no clue the cals on that, not gonna bother looking it up and I ate it out of my own curiosity to see what my moms new recipe tasted like) pound cake (100 cals…yes I suck…I ate this also on my own free will just to see if the pound cake still tastes good even though it’s a couple days old.)…..god I have pathetic excuses/ways I trick myself into eating.

Yesterday I went to the gym and burnt 600 cals. I went at a really odd time that I normally don’t go at so it was super crowded, and the gym just reeked of BO, so I left earlier then I should have.
Man I am a slacker/total screw up when it comes to exercising/not eating. Its really weird I usually don’t eat unless I am forced to/required to/home for family meals.

….Today I woke up super early, went to hang out with my x bf early in the morning, I did my hair and it looked surprisingly well….i am attempting to practice/learn how to backcomb my hair better to give it more volume… while at his house he decides to cook lunch…and he made burritos with beans three cheeses salsa, lettuce, corn, sour cream, and cooked turkey meat….they looked bomb, and he kept offering me bits but I just kept saying no. yay me for resisting to eat in front of him….i usually ‘trick” myself into feeling happy/good enough about myself to eat when I am with him, not today though.

I don’t think I will go to the gym today….cuz I am a lazy ass. But I haven’t ate anything today, just black coffee. The only food i will eat today will be dinner, because I will be forced to eat dinner unless I magically find somewhere to go/something to do at that hour, whichhh I wont.

-600 + 0

So, yesterday was alright. I went to the gym and burned 600 cals. I ate 0 calories, yay, go me! It is rare for me to be able to get away with eating nothing all day on a weekend (cuz the entire fam is home all day), so I am excited about that. I slept in through breakfast, went to the gym around lunchtime, and then left with my x bf right around dinner and told my mom we were going out to dinner. Plus my parents were busy working on random crap around the house so they didn’t take too much notice of whether or not I ate.

I am really annoyed because fall quarter starts soon and my professors are already e-mailing me reading to have done by the first day of class. Ugh. I hate when there are assignments before the quarter starts, it just seems cruel to me, I mean let me enjoy every ounce of my days off school, please! I don’t want to think about or worry about or stress about classes until they start…..but I have to. I got my backpack/notebooks/pens/flashcards and al that shit all ready today, it was depressing really.

I weighed 107 today, but I don’t feel or look 107. It must be dehydration+fasting or something, I know its not “real weight” I lost. Oh well, its still better than being 110.

I am off to go practice curling my hair with my new shorter haircut and then watch desperate housewives online…..yes I like that show, and wait for my best friend to call me. Wow what an exciting life I live…..

I flipped today...

my parents decide last minute NOT to leave for the day!!! Damnitt!
I woke up super early for it being a Saturday, at like 7 am…. I shooda known better my fam almost always cooks a hugie fat filled breakfast of pancakes and hashbrowns and eggs. Since I was awake I had to eat, but I ate a waffle, 2 squares or half of a waffle. I had one and my mom was really pushy for me to eat a second one. So my perfect day went out the window before it was even 9 am. Fuck. This is why I hate weekends!! Mainly this is why I hate living at home.

I went to the gym for 60 mins with my older sister, we didn’t stay long cuz she had to go get ready for work. I burned exactly 600 cals, which is pretty bad, because usually I burn like 650 or 690 and just round down to 600. So I feel kinda lame today, but I didn’t expect my sister to only want to stay a short period of time.

So after the gym my mom is baking a cake, anddd I fucking love cake batter, lol weird I know. And so after my mom pours the cake batter into the pan I go to grab the spoon and bowl to eat the leftover batter (cuz I am weird like that) but my mom yells at me and says to let my little sister have it. And I get crazy pissed. I yell “why are you giving it to her shes fucking OBESE!?” and my mom yells “you’re a fucking bitch” and I say “its true look at her, you can’t deny it, you cant say shes notttt overweight, you can’t say shit back because its trueee” and my little sister is just staring down at the cake batter bowl with the spoon not eating it. And my mom yells “go hide in your room and not eat” and I was like “okay I will, and remember sis as you keep eating you keep gaining” and my mom yells “at least shes not anorexic” and I yell “I’d rather be anorexic then obese” and then I yell “if I am anorexic feed me the cake batter I need food feed me feed me” and then I walk away and go upstairs and I see my sister and I can tell shes trying to look skinny and I yell “sucking in your belly wont make a difference your still fat”. And my mom said some comment about how I am mean and a bitch to everyone, buttttt the honest to god truth is that I am one of the nicest most giving people I know, BUT I am a fuckign bitch to my little sister/mom because theyyyyy are bitchy to me. And I told my mom that and she says how she sees how I am mean to my friends, and I say how I not mean to my friends at all and the only time she seeees me with my friends is when they are over here at our house and so since my family is always mad at me/yelling at me/mean to me it puts me in a bad mood soooo I will be meannnn to my mom in front of my friends, and my mom interprets thattt as me being “a bitch” to my friends. Also my mom will ask my friends stuff or offer them stuff and then I will answer for them, cuz they are too nice to say no. like my mom will ask my best friend if she wants dinner and I will yell “no she doesn’t want any she already ate” (because my friend has an ED and she obviously doesn’t ever want food, but you know how its hard to like say no to someone’s parents cuz u don’t wanna seem rude, soooo I will yell “no” at my mom, and my mom thinks that is “mean” but really its nice of me cuz I am being persistent and saving my best friends ass from being pressured/guilted into eating dinner/trying my moms latest cookies or whatever the fuck it is.)

Sooo I flipped a bitch over wanting to lick the scraps of cake batter out of a bowl. Wow I am nuts. Oh well I do hate them and I do love calling my little sister fat. Shes like 5 foot 3 135 lbs, maybe 140 even. Cuz it is true she cant say “no I am not” because her huge belly is evidence that she is huge. Like I am embarrassed to be related to her. My older sister however is stick skinny, and she can take months off of exercising/not exercise at all and eat like a guy and still stay tiny. She goes to the gym just for the “health” of it…..wierd. like she doesn’t try to or want to loose weight she just works out for the health benefits, which is crazy to me.

Today I ate: ½ a homemade waffle (maybe 400 cal tops) 6 chocolate chips, 1 spoonful of cake batter (which I snagged pre outburst) and that’s it. (no clue the calories on those last 2 foods I am not gonna bother checking)I am going to avoid dinner and hopefully my fam will still be pissed off at me that they wont mind that the cold hearted bitch skips out on dinner.

I weighed 108 today. But I don’t feel 108 or look 108. Weird. Whatever. I have fucking boobs!! Ughhh!!! Like when I was 103 I didn’t have boobs, bras were often optional, and I couldn’t even get cleavage if I tried…and I loved it. I hate boobs, they need to hurry up and disappear again!