It's been a while...

So where have I been? I’m officially a NURSE with an active NURSING LICENCE. Woo! So I feel like I have been putting my weight loss on the back burner due to having to study for my nursing school final exams, my nursing school clinical rotations, my licensure exam (ya I studied 8 hrs a day ALL summer, it was hell, but I passed so well worth it). Now that I am DONE with nursing school it is such a sigh of relief, I can breathe for the first time not having to worry IF I will flunk out or something, I always felt guilty when I would do ANYTHING, like I would think to myself “I should be studying right now instead of hiking”. I am golden, I am set for life, I can work anywhere in any state or any country, my career is in motion, now I can focus on ME! Which I already have started to do, I went shopping, I have been hitting the gym almost every day, I made a dermatologist appt, I have been cleaning house, sleeping in, haha. It is the best feeling ever! Sooo now I have TIME to blog….too bad all the blogs who I used to follow are all disappeared and/or have not had a posting in ages! Where did everyone go?

I weigh 110. BOOO!!!! But for a while I was 115 around august, so I really am happy to be 110.

Today I plan on going to school, maybe stopping by the mall and cashing in some coupons, no gym cuz my lazy ass who is possibly catching a cold slept in, and oh yeah not eating a single thing all day.

me

yep, that's me. pic from yesterday. it doesn't show off my figure well since its a dress/i'm all covered up. I took some GOOD pics of me in a cute outfit a couple days ago, but my sis deleted them off her camera. :( I weigh like 110 again. fuck. I need to lose weight. I am almost on summer break, I am studying for my Med-Surg final right now....kinda. I can not wait to be on my 10 day break from school, no studying, just the gym and starving...untill then I am just sitting on my ass studying all day long. ughhhh.

I went shopping yesterday, I was about to go to the gym and one of my best friends called and since I hadn’t seen her since august I definitely was gonna choose seeing her over the gym, by the time we got home the gym was closed. I bought a cute shrug/sweater type thing for 9 dollars. I didn’t bother shopping for jeans because my ass shrinks outta jeans quick when I am loosing weight, which I plan on doing. I will buy myself a nice pair of designer jeans (on sale of course) when I am too small to fit into all my current size 0 nice jeans, or when they don’t fit me tight anymore. I weighed 108 this morning. boo. But I will take it, I will work with it.

My legs are SO sore from my run on sat. ahhhh. Ahh!!! I just realized its memorial day so the gym is closed!!!! Lame. I was actually gonna go today. I don’t want to run outside due to the fact my legs are too sore to run, they could do a treadmeal or elliptical at the gym, but not a run…and due to the fact that on my last 3 mile run around my neighborhood I saw a homeless looking man on a bike, and a creepy truck drove past me about 6 times, and I was beginning to suspect either he was A. lost or B. trying to scope out where I was running from/to in order to see where I live or C. wanting to abduct me! Haha. Im paranoid. But seriously us young girls gotta watch our backkk. Ill just catch up on homework today and hope someone invites me to hang out.

PS my blog wont let me follow anyone OR view my followers! Wtf. Its been like this for a while, anyone know how to fix it???

I weighed 107 this morning! probably dehydration, but its still nice to see. Woo!
Yesterday I ran 3 miles, in about 30 mins, haha SLOW me. But it was outside, there was hills and I stopped to walk a few times and I was running on empty, literally.

My fam had a memorial day bash yesterday and they BBQ’d and baked a cake and made pasta, but I didn’t eat any of it, none of it even looked good to me. Nothing. I tried a bite of the cake, it tasted JUST okayyy, so I spit it out. The pasta was JUST okaaaay also, so id dint bother. I seriously was hungry and would have ate IF there was anything I liked. But there is nothing that appealed to me. Ha, so it worked out for me. I just drank black coffee and diet pepsi all night.

My little cousins were sitting down to eat dinner, and this is right when I cut a piece of cake to try, and right before I go to eat the cake my 4 yr old cousin says “did you eat something healthy first?” hahahaha, and of course I didn’t eat anything, or anything healthy, but I thought it was sooo cute that sheeee was inquiring to me if I had ate something healthy before I had desert, lol cuz I knowww her parents have her eat dinner before she can have any treats. Haha so I lied and said yes I ate salad and a hotdog and pasta first, because I want to set a good (although fake) example to her. Hahaha. it was funnyyyy, she even pointed her finger at me when she asked, lol.

Funny stuff ppl said to me recentally: my uncle came over a week ago and he was like “god it looks like you lost 100 lbs, you look gaunt, sick” and I DID look sick, because I was TIRED from nursing clinical and I had no makeup on so I look pale/sickley without it. And I just said “no I definitally haven’t lost any weight, im just tired” and he goes “well don’t get so tired that you forget to eat”
I was trying on a dress with a slip to see if it was STILL see-thru with the slip I had bought and I was having my sisters examine it and try to see if they could see my underwear thru the dress with the slip on under it and my older sister said I looked like “an anorexic vampire” lol. Anorexic because she thinks I am skinny, and vampire because I am PALE.
I had my sis take a pic of me last night cuz I was wearing a cute new top and I had my hair curled, and I was like "oh let me take my jacket off for this pic", and she was like “no keep it on, your bony shoulders will show if you take your jacket off, and you already have the mary-kate look goin’ on as is”

CRAZY how do people think these things when I see everything SO totalllly different. Like what the hellllll. Everyone is crazy with totally wacky perceptions. I see the truth, and the truth is I got about 15 lbs left to go before I look even close to good.

Ahh! Ive been SO busy lately. I feel good though, I weighed 109 this morning. I have been living off of pink grapefruit and asparagus. I also have my nursing clinical at a family practice clinic this week, so I am gone for about 9 hours a day tues-fri doing that. I have been eating 1 cup of special K cereal, combined with 1 light Yoplait yogurt, I mix them both together in a bowl, it is SOOO GOOD. So its about 200 cals. It makes it so filling when you combine the yogurt with the dry cereal. Then for lunch I pack some almonds, about 1/8th cup (70 cals), and ½ cup of special k cereal (50 cals) (dry…I hate milk in my cereal), and some craisins (100 cals) and then ill have a mall amt of whatever my mom cooks for dinner. I eat lunch when I am at my clinical because it is SO important for me to be on point. I mean I am giving injections, and charting, and ordering prescriptions, and dealing with human lives, so I need to be alert and energized when I am there. So I eat my lunch every day. I am such a slacker, I gotta go study for an exam tomorrow, which I haven’t studied at all for yet! Ahh!! Hope everyone is doing good!!!

I weighed 108 this morning!!!!! wow!! For a few seconds I thought I weighed 113 cuz I am so used to ALWAYS being at or abouve 110 that I saw the dial 3 notches above the bold one and I assumed it was the 110 bold line, but nooo no silly eyes it was the 105 bold line that the dial was 3 notches above. Woo! Exciting. im probablly just dehydrated though, and thats where the 108 came from

This last week I worked at a pediatric clinic. Another student from my nursing class was working there too, and on lunch we would go walk around for 1 hour for exercise. It was nice because she is a lot like me in a lot of ways about food, like how she feels SO much happier/better/everything is good when she is thin, how she skips lunch and breakfast and only eats a small dinner. Stuff like that. At the clinic the nurses were like “where are you going” and we said to walk around, and they asked if we were eating lunch and we said no, and they said “no wonder you are both so skinny” lol. Also at the party this girl who I would consider to be skinny was like “omg your like a twig, your tiny”. Ughh I think I drank too much last night, I am trying to remember some of the conversations I had and I cant they all blur together, and I think i was the drunkest person there, so I feel dumb because all the ppl who were less drunk than me probably thought I was lame. I mean I dano I am just insecureeeeee, I was just drunk, lol so whatever. Every time I go out I say I won’t drink SO much, but I always do. Fuck. I mean I didn’t take my top off or do cartwheels, or cry or anything STUPID but I just feel dumb because I honestly cant remember some of the conversations I had and I am worried I said some stupid shit. Fuck. oh well.
I need to study I am so fucking behind. Ahh!!

long time no post!

Hmm, what’s been goin’ on with me? I weigh 110, I was 109 yesterday. Not bad, considering I was like 111-113ish all last week. I did the 250cals for 10 days with my best friend, but waited to start it at the same time she did, so it has only been in progress for 5 days. Except I think I will HAVE to restart it cuz last night I drank so much.

Omg. I went to my bf’s house and mixed sprite zero with strawberry tequila. Probably like 6 shots at least, and I’m semi-small not eating much so I got very drunk. I felt like hell so I went and made myself puke so I would feel better, the onnnnly time I can puke is when I am drunk, any other time, no way in hell. I used my toothbrush. My bf asked me “have you been doing this regularly, puking with your toothbrush” and I told him no, cuz that is the truth, I haven’t made myself puke in agesss. I was so drunk that I kept trying to puke more and more, cuz I though nothing was coming out, since sprite is clear and the tequila was light pink, I guess I was looking for vomit that was therrrre in the toilet, but I was just too drunk to realize it so I kept trying to puke more and more. Ugh, I felt better after I puked though. And he told me this morning that “no one can drink tequila without puking, and it is the kinda alcohol you mix with margaritas or have ONE shot of, not multiple mixed drinks, if I have more than one shot I will puke”. So that made me feel better, in a way. I don’t usually get sloppy-pukey drunk. Well sloppy yes, haha but not pukey. I felt like shit this morning. the good news is there is NO food worth eating at my house.

I finished my first nursing clinical “rotation”. Which means I worked at the hospital and demonstrated “meets standards” nursing criteria. Woo! One down, about 8 more rotations to go. OMG I got to go into the OR and watch a c-section delivery when I was in OB, it was pretty cool, I got to witness the miracle of life! I also worked in the NICU, and I got to feed the newborns. I held a newborn for the first time in my life while I was at the hospital working in post-partum. I don’t have any nieces, or nephews or young cousins, so it was kinda exciting getting to see/hold a little newborn. They were pretty cute, I loved getting to hold them and feed them. Awwww.

The nurse I was with asked me “so do you eat much?” and I was like “what do you mean?” and she said “well you’re so tiny”. And I laughed and said, “oh yeah I eat a lot.” Everyone is always commenting on how small I am, but I AM NOT. It’s weird that people can think that and I totally and completely disagree. My older sister was up when I got home and she said that I look like “someone who lives in a mental institution and never eats” lol I think she said that because it was 11:30pm I was walking around in baggy PJ’s, dead tired, I’d just got home from the hospital, and all my eyeliner was smeared around. I kinda took it as a compliment, haha.

I have a huge ass exam tomorrow. Fuck. I need to study for it, and have not done so at alllll yet. Ahhh I have a huge to-do list. I have nursing clinical 8am-5pm all week at a pediatric clinic. Here comes a longgggg asss week.

I weigh 111-112ish today. Booo! My comp has been spastic lately so I haven’t been on blogger, sorry for the absence!

Uhm exciting news: I had my first official nursing clinical last week. I worked the night shift in the ER it was amazing, it was so fun, I loved it, it was one of those experiences where you are refreshed and feel even more certainty that you are doing the right thing. I always knew I wanted to be a nurse, but that night at the ER at the hospital made me just 200% sure. The nurse I worked with even told me that “he could tell I was going to be a good nurse, and that my heart is in the right place, etc. etc.” aka he complimented me a lottttt. He also told me that he is a “mean nurse” and he will tell students if he thinks they don’t have what it takes, and he will tell them “you should just leave now, or go sweep the floors of the hospital that is all your good for” haha. Thank GOD he didn’t think that about me. He was drillin’ me on a bunch of questions too, I can’t believe I remembered the answers, I’m glad I did because it made me feel even more competent. I had SO much fun, it was 8 hours on my feet, I didn’t sit down or take a break once that entire time. Omg I loved it so so soooo much. I work in OB this week for my nursing clinical at the hospital. But my 1 and only day in ER was total lovvvvve, I was in love with the whole experience. Okay enough about that….its totally random and unrelated. But I am excited and I am proud of myself for surviving my first day, I was SO nervous about it, just the anticipation of the whole thing, so now that the first day is over and done with I can relax a bit and enjoy it all. I also did good on my neurological test that I had been avoiding studying for, woo! Sooo I am feeling pretty damn good at the moment. And I am gonna hang out with my BF tomorrow, since we both have the day off, so I am excited about that.

Okay so 250 or less calorie days. For 10 days. I wonder how much weight I will lose? Hmm. Lets find out. I will document it to the T.

I weighed 110 this morning. I feel pretty sad lately. Nursing school, the bf, friends, family, all are taking a turn for the worse. All are stressing me out BAD. I plan on starving my frustrations out. It really does work. Starving is my indirect FUCK YOU to my family, to my bf when he’s being a dick, to my less than perfect test scores, to my friends who don’t value me, to everything. When I was 103lbs i had that as a source of comfort, when everything was shit, I had that.

…or a less depressing note…. I saw black swan, the bf took me as a date, and it was wonderful. I was glad he took me to see it (lol because obviously he has zero interest in a psycho ballerina movie). So I was trying to figure out what Natalie’s weight was in the movie? Anyone know? Just out of sheer curiosity. I know that Mila (lily) weighed 95 during filming and she is 5 foot 3. And I know that BOTH actresses lost 20lbs for filming in about 5 months time. I wanna lose 20lbs. I will lose 20lbs.

It is so FREEING and comforting to be skinny, it is one less thing I can not stress about, one less thing I can worry about or feel insecure about or hate myself about. I cant change my eye color, my height, my parents, etc. etc. but I can and I will change my weight.

Fuck I need to study!!!!!!! I am learning about the neuro system right now, it is one of the med-surg topics I have a hard time grasping because it is so hard for me to visualize it, and it is so complex. I hate this, I gotta study, I have been screwing around all day avoiding it. Boooo!

I plan on going to the gym tonight. Not for long, maybe 1 hour or so. Today I have ate too much: cherioes (50) choco-chips (200) pb (50) ghram cracker (80) cookies (600) dried fruit (100) total= SHIT. No more food for me todayyy.
<3 you all, do good. Starve away all your stressors.

I weigh 109-110ish…Hmm I guess a good diet is to get so horribly stressed/anxious/depressed you cannot even imagine eating. That has basically been me lately. Idk if its “real” weight loss, I mean I am probably just NOT full of food/fluids, and that’s why I weigh less, either way its nice, if the reasons for it happening weren’t so shit. I forced myself to eat an apple the other day because I was gonna be driving for 1 hour and when I am starving and driving I feel really roadsick/become borderline blackout.

Im having troubles with my bf. I don’t wanna get into it. We didn’t talk for a couple days, I got so sad all I wanted to do was sleep and lay in my room in the dark. I hate when things are unsettled/shakey with us, because it distracts me SO bad from other things. Like thank god I didn’t have any school stuff to get done. First day back at school was today, ugh totally depressing. BUT I don’t have one of my classes till mon, and the orientation to my other class till wed. so I kinda have a few days left of freedom to screw around. I think I will go to the gym tomorrow morning. no I WILL go to the gym tomorrow morning. I want my bf to call me. I hate waiting for him to call me, but I feel like when iiiiii call him it’s like “admitting defeat” in a way. He’s a man, he can call me, I just wish he would want to have called sayyyyyy 1 hour ago. Grrrrrr.

I weighed 111 today, woo! I don’t look 111 though in my opinion…I am weird. I have fantasies about the weirdest things, but maybe these things will sound normal to some of you... I want to be skinny, very skinny. I want girls who to feel fucking huge and hate their life when they see how small I am. I want girls to see how small I am and feel like total shit about their self and for them to be jealous and for them to talk shit with their equally chubby friends about how “she must stare herself” but really they silently WISH they had the willpower to quit stuffing their face…….i don’t mean this to apply to ALL girls, im not a total bitch, just the FEW girls I dislike. Girls who have done me wrong. Me getting skinny is my indirect fuck you to everyone I dislike. Its like I am automatically better then every girl who I am smaller than. Lol make sense? or am I just totally out of my god damn mind? haha or both.
Im introducing my best friend to my bf’s friend, so I am kinda nervous about that, I don’t want an awkward night. I think I will have some wine/light beer/a shot or two to calm my ass down. I hate drinking, cuz it’s empty cals. But I feel so much better when I am drunk-ish. I feel almost/slightly/kinda-a little good about myself and almost semi-sorta-ish happy. So I’ll plan on that for tonight, probably 3 drinks, im a lightweight and I have not ate all day today & don’t plan to so it won’t take much to give me a nice buzz.
Sunday I went to my bf’s house and he had a potluck type thingy and all his friends came over and we cooked dinner, and it was amazing and fun and such a good time, and we had every burner on the stove going, electric griddles going, microwaves, and everyone was cooking something different and we were all drinking and making a mess trying to chop up apples to put in the apple pancakes, and scramble eggs, and stuff. Oh god it was funnnn! I drank mimosas, and spent most of my time helping prepare the food and not eating the food. But anyways….his friends give me so much positive attention I loveeeeee it, they just think I am the cutest thing, which is crazy to me. And I know it is 100% innocent, cuz his friends are nice guys they would never try to steal me from him or persue me in annnyyy way, but when they give me hugs or call me baby or love, or beautiful, but I knowwww it HAS to make my bf a litttttttle bit jealouse,…which I like. He can be jealouse, maybe it will make him treat me better if he feels threatened and sees other guys giving me attention….there is gonna be another “Sunday dinner” with all his friends this Sunday, I am excited for it.
I wana weigh 105 by the time my spring break is over. Idk if I can lose a noticeable amt of weight in a week but I want to try. So I should probably hit the damn gym tomorrow. <3 starve on

I weigh 113 today. I WAS weighing 110 about a week or so ago. But that got messed up obviously, but I want to get back there soon, preferably by Sunday….
We have been having potlucks a lot in school for the end of class party things. And there is TONS of food and all the fat, like actually fat fat girls go over and get a plate and take like some cantaloupe, and grapes, and oranges and celery. Like HA HA who are you trying to fool??? You weigh 200ish lbs because you eat shit and have no self control, don’t try to put on a front for your fellow students. Lol stuff like that entertains me. The potlucks are like one big nightmare to me, like I watch people eat 6 or 7 cookies in a row, while I am mentally doing addition and multiplication thinking of how many calories they are consuming. I can not eat anything anymore without having do to math.

So I am almost on spring break, woo! I need a break from school so bad, I cant wait to SLEEP, and exercise, and have time to spend 2 hours making my hair and makeup look perfect, and all those things that normal 20year old girls get to do when they are not having their life be consumed with nursing school. I also NEED a haircut, but my haircuts never look good, so I just end up not ever getting haircuts, cuz I never have any good haircut ideas of what to get, so I just kinda give up. Also my hair is really thin/fine so I can’t pull off a lot of haircuts. Ugh. ….i want to go do something fun for st pattys day, but no one has invited me to g anywhere/do anything yet.

Skinnyness CAN make you happy. I know because I had it and I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. Aside from being skinny everything else in my life was pretty shit-ish, but the skinnyness made me so happy. I think about how happy I was and my heart does a jolt because I miss how I felt back then so so much. I weighed 111 this morning. I can’t wait for the one-o-somethings. I took a picture of myself on my phone in my mirror in my underwear (lol) FOR THE PURPOSE of me having a pic of myself at 111ish and then when I am 100 I will take another pic in my mirror and SEE if I can see a difference at all. Cuz me just looking at myself in the mirror every day I don’t notice any difference at all. Like I was 125 in September now im 111, I don’t notice any difference. Weird. Uhm this weekend will be hell. I have SO much stuff to catch up on for school, its depressing. I hate weekends, because ALL I do on weekends is catch up on schoolwork/study/read for school, because it is never-ending.

does this annoy the hell out of you too?

I weigh 110-112ish! About fucking time eh? I feel insanely motivated. I CANT believe I was 127ish around September, ahhhh, nightmare! Thank god that number is never gonna be seen again.

....Holy shit THE MOST ANNOYING THING is when people call FAT like straight up undeniable FAT people NOT fat. Omfg. I got in an argument with someone because I called this girl fat, they said “shes overweight, yeah, but not fat” uhmmmm how the fuck does that make anyyy sense? god damn….and by the way she was fat, I wish I had a pic to post of how fat she was so I could have all of you reinforce the fact that I am right, haha. I am SO defensive of how people describe other peoples bodies, like this average/semi-chubby girl was once described as “really skinny” and I could feel my skin start to boil. My plan to relieve some of the anger associated with peoples idiotic descriptions of other peoples figures is for ME to be outrageously, disgustingly, undeniably skinny so that way EVERYONE looks huge and fat compared to me, and NO ONE can be classified as really skinny if they are bigger than me. There problem solved. This is one of my main motivators to lose mega weight. Weird, but true.

Monday night I came home at 10pm drank 4 cups of strong black coffee, ate a 24hr non-drowzy Sudafed, chewed caffeine gum and studied my ass off for pharmacology, took the test in the morning and got a 97 percent, after literally zero sleep. Wooo. 24 hour non-drowzy Sudafed is THE BEST weight loss tool around. No joke. It makes you unable to sleep, have a rapid heartrate, dry mouth, and feel totally not hungry. I swear. IT IS the miracle diet pill you have been looking for, haha. And it’s the miracle pill for being in need of a hunger suppressor annnnd something to keep you up all night studying like I do.

So everyone in the nursing program with me is trying to lose weight (after all it is about 50 girls, and what do all girls want?) BUT they are doing weight watchers and the HCG diet (I heard of a few ppl who have done it with amazing results, might be worth looking into) and whatnot, and I cant wait to watch them all STILL be fat by the time we graduate. hahaha. well they can lose weight, I don’t care, but IIIIIiiiiii just want to lose significantly more weight then them, faster then them. And I WILL. I want to be NOTICABLLY smaller. Like its cold now since its winter so I am wearing sweatshirts and jackets that are semi-bulky-ish, and so I want spring to get here and then BAM I want to be tiny, 100-ish pounds and wear a pair of shorts and a tight shirt and have everyone’s jaw drop. Cuz honestly I have never worn any clothes that have shown off my figure the entire time I have been in school with these people. My collarbones, my arms, they have alllll been hidden, I cant wait to reveal them when the time is right. Blahhh ttyl I gotta get stuff done for school.