I weighed 110 this morning. I feel pretty sad lately. Nursing school, the bf, friends, family, all are taking a turn for the worse. All are stressing me out BAD. I plan on starving my frustrations out. It really does work. Starving is my indirect FUCK YOU to my family, to my bf when he’s being a dick, to my less than perfect test scores, to my friends who don’t value me, to everything. When I was 103lbs i had that as a source of comfort, when everything was shit, I had that.

…or a less depressing note…. I saw black swan, the bf took me as a date, and it was wonderful. I was glad he took me to see it (lol because obviously he has zero interest in a psycho ballerina movie). So I was trying to figure out what Natalie’s weight was in the movie? Anyone know? Just out of sheer curiosity. I know that Mila (lily) weighed 95 during filming and she is 5 foot 3. And I know that BOTH actresses lost 20lbs for filming in about 5 months time. I wanna lose 20lbs. I will lose 20lbs.

It is so FREEING and comforting to be skinny, it is one less thing I can not stress about, one less thing I can worry about or feel insecure about or hate myself about. I cant change my eye color, my height, my parents, etc. etc. but I can and I will change my weight.

Fuck I need to study!!!!!!! I am learning about the neuro system right now, it is one of the med-surg topics I have a hard time grasping because it is so hard for me to visualize it, and it is so complex. I hate this, I gotta study, I have been screwing around all day avoiding it. Boooo!

I plan on going to the gym tonight. Not for long, maybe 1 hour or so. Today I have ate too much: cherioes (50) choco-chips (200) pb (50) ghram cracker (80) cookies (600) dried fruit (100) total= SHIT. No more food for me todayyy.
<3 you all, do good. Starve away all your stressors.