Yesterday I ate: 1 chicken salad sandwich (450 tops, is my guess…I was force fed it since I was home for dinenr), ½ a small pancake (uhhh no clue the cals on that, not gonna bother looking it up and I ate it out of my own curiosity to see what my moms new recipe tasted like) pound cake (100 cals…yes I suck…I ate this also on my own free will just to see if the pound cake still tastes good even though it’s a couple days old.)…..god I have pathetic excuses/ways I trick myself into eating.
Yesterday I went to the gym and burnt 600 cals. I went at a really odd time that I normally don’t go at so it was super crowded, and the gym just reeked of BO, so I left earlier then I should have.
Man I am a slacker/total screw up when it comes to exercising/not eating. Its really weird I usually don’t eat unless I am forced to/required to/home for family meals.
….Today I woke up super early, went to hang out with my x bf early in the morning, I did my hair and it looked surprisingly well….i am attempting to practice/learn how to backcomb my hair better to give it more volume… while at his house he decides to cook lunch…and he made burritos with beans three cheeses salsa, lettuce, corn, sour cream, and cooked turkey meat….they looked bomb, and he kept offering me bits but I just kept saying no. yay me for resisting to eat in front of him….i usually ‘trick” myself into feeling happy/good enough about myself to eat when I am with him, not today though.
I don’t think I will go to the gym today….cuz I am a lazy ass. But I haven’t ate anything today, just black coffee. The only food i will eat today will be dinner, because I will be forced to eat dinner unless I magically find somewhere to go/something to do at that hour, whichhh I wont.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
-600 + 0
So, yesterday was alright. I went to the gym and burned 600 cals. I ate 0 calories, yay, go me! It is rare for me to be able to get away with eating nothing all day on a weekend (cuz the entire fam is home all day), so I am excited about that. I slept in through breakfast, went to the gym around lunchtime, and then left with my x bf right around dinner and told my mom we were going out to dinner. Plus my parents were busy working on random crap around the house so they didn’t take too much notice of whether or not I ate.
I am really annoyed because fall quarter starts soon and my professors are already e-mailing me reading to have done by the first day of class. Ugh. I hate when there are assignments before the quarter starts, it just seems cruel to me, I mean let me enjoy every ounce of my days off school, please! I don’t want to think about or worry about or stress about classes until they start…..but I have to. I got my backpack/notebooks/pens/flashcards and al that shit all ready today, it was depressing really.
I weighed 107 today, but I don’t feel or look 107. It must be dehydration+fasting or something, I know its not “real weight” I lost. Oh well, its still better than being 110.
I am off to go practice curling my hair with my new shorter haircut and then watch desperate housewives online…..yes I like that show, and wait for my best friend to call me. Wow what an exciting life I live…..
I am really annoyed because fall quarter starts soon and my professors are already e-mailing me reading to have done by the first day of class. Ugh. I hate when there are assignments before the quarter starts, it just seems cruel to me, I mean let me enjoy every ounce of my days off school, please! I don’t want to think about or worry about or stress about classes until they start…..but I have to. I got my backpack/notebooks/pens/flashcards and al that shit all ready today, it was depressing really.
I weighed 107 today, but I don’t feel or look 107. It must be dehydration+fasting or something, I know its not “real weight” I lost. Oh well, its still better than being 110.
I am off to go practice curling my hair with my new shorter haircut and then watch desperate housewives online…..yes I like that show, and wait for my best friend to call me. Wow what an exciting life I live…..
Saturday, September 26, 2009
I flipped today...
my parents decide last minute NOT to leave for the day!!! Damnitt!
I woke up super early for it being a Saturday, at like 7 am…. I shooda known better my fam almost always cooks a hugie fat filled breakfast of pancakes and hashbrowns and eggs. Since I was awake I had to eat, but I ate a waffle, 2 squares or half of a waffle. I had one and my mom was really pushy for me to eat a second one. So my perfect day went out the window before it was even 9 am. Fuck. This is why I hate weekends!! Mainly this is why I hate living at home.
I went to the gym for 60 mins with my older sister, we didn’t stay long cuz she had to go get ready for work. I burned exactly 600 cals, which is pretty bad, because usually I burn like 650 or 690 and just round down to 600. So I feel kinda lame today, but I didn’t expect my sister to only want to stay a short period of time.
So after the gym my mom is baking a cake, anddd I fucking love cake batter, lol weird I know. And so after my mom pours the cake batter into the pan I go to grab the spoon and bowl to eat the leftover batter (cuz I am weird like that) but my mom yells at me and says to let my little sister have it. And I get crazy pissed. I yell “why are you giving it to her shes fucking OBESE!?” and my mom yells “you’re a fucking bitch” and I say “its true look at her, you can’t deny it, you cant say shes notttt overweight, you can’t say shit back because its trueee” and my little sister is just staring down at the cake batter bowl with the spoon not eating it. And my mom yells “go hide in your room and not eat” and I was like “okay I will, and remember sis as you keep eating you keep gaining” and my mom yells “at least shes not anorexic” and I yell “I’d rather be anorexic then obese” and then I yell “if I am anorexic feed me the cake batter I need food feed me feed me” and then I walk away and go upstairs and I see my sister and I can tell shes trying to look skinny and I yell “sucking in your belly wont make a difference your still fat”. And my mom said some comment about how I am mean and a bitch to everyone, buttttt the honest to god truth is that I am one of the nicest most giving people I know, BUT I am a fuckign bitch to my little sister/mom because theyyyyy are bitchy to me. And I told my mom that and she says how she sees how I am mean to my friends, and I say how I not mean to my friends at all and the only time she seeees me with my friends is when they are over here at our house and so since my family is always mad at me/yelling at me/mean to me it puts me in a bad mood soooo I will be meannnn to my mom in front of my friends, and my mom interprets thattt as me being “a bitch” to my friends. Also my mom will ask my friends stuff or offer them stuff and then I will answer for them, cuz they are too nice to say no. like my mom will ask my best friend if she wants dinner and I will yell “no she doesn’t want any she already ate” (because my friend has an ED and she obviously doesn’t ever want food, but you know how its hard to like say no to someone’s parents cuz u don’t wanna seem rude, soooo I will yell “no” at my mom, and my mom thinks that is “mean” but really its nice of me cuz I am being persistent and saving my best friends ass from being pressured/guilted into eating dinner/trying my moms latest cookies or whatever the fuck it is.)
Sooo I flipped a bitch over wanting to lick the scraps of cake batter out of a bowl. Wow I am nuts. Oh well I do hate them and I do love calling my little sister fat. Shes like 5 foot 3 135 lbs, maybe 140 even. Cuz it is true she cant say “no I am not” because her huge belly is evidence that she is huge. Like I am embarrassed to be related to her. My older sister however is stick skinny, and she can take months off of exercising/not exercise at all and eat like a guy and still stay tiny. She goes to the gym just for the “health” of it…..wierd. like she doesn’t try to or want to loose weight she just works out for the health benefits, which is crazy to me.
Today I ate: ½ a homemade waffle (maybe 400 cal tops) 6 chocolate chips, 1 spoonful of cake batter (which I snagged pre outburst) and that’s it. (no clue the calories on those last 2 foods I am not gonna bother checking)I am going to avoid dinner and hopefully my fam will still be pissed off at me that they wont mind that the cold hearted bitch skips out on dinner.
I weighed 108 today. But I don’t feel 108 or look 108. Weird. Whatever. I have fucking boobs!! Ughhh!!! Like when I was 103 I didn’t have boobs, bras were often optional, and I couldn’t even get cleavage if I tried…and I loved it. I hate boobs, they need to hurry up and disappear again!
I woke up super early for it being a Saturday, at like 7 am…. I shooda known better my fam almost always cooks a hugie fat filled breakfast of pancakes and hashbrowns and eggs. Since I was awake I had to eat, but I ate a waffle, 2 squares or half of a waffle. I had one and my mom was really pushy for me to eat a second one. So my perfect day went out the window before it was even 9 am. Fuck. This is why I hate weekends!! Mainly this is why I hate living at home.
I went to the gym for 60 mins with my older sister, we didn’t stay long cuz she had to go get ready for work. I burned exactly 600 cals, which is pretty bad, because usually I burn like 650 or 690 and just round down to 600. So I feel kinda lame today, but I didn’t expect my sister to only want to stay a short period of time.
So after the gym my mom is baking a cake, anddd I fucking love cake batter, lol weird I know. And so after my mom pours the cake batter into the pan I go to grab the spoon and bowl to eat the leftover batter (cuz I am weird like that) but my mom yells at me and says to let my little sister have it. And I get crazy pissed. I yell “why are you giving it to her shes fucking OBESE!?” and my mom yells “you’re a fucking bitch” and I say “its true look at her, you can’t deny it, you cant say shes notttt overweight, you can’t say shit back because its trueee” and my little sister is just staring down at the cake batter bowl with the spoon not eating it. And my mom yells “go hide in your room and not eat” and I was like “okay I will, and remember sis as you keep eating you keep gaining” and my mom yells “at least shes not anorexic” and I yell “I’d rather be anorexic then obese” and then I yell “if I am anorexic feed me the cake batter I need food feed me feed me” and then I walk away and go upstairs and I see my sister and I can tell shes trying to look skinny and I yell “sucking in your belly wont make a difference your still fat”. And my mom said some comment about how I am mean and a bitch to everyone, buttttt the honest to god truth is that I am one of the nicest most giving people I know, BUT I am a fuckign bitch to my little sister/mom because theyyyyy are bitchy to me. And I told my mom that and she says how she sees how I am mean to my friends, and I say how I not mean to my friends at all and the only time she seeees me with my friends is when they are over here at our house and so since my family is always mad at me/yelling at me/mean to me it puts me in a bad mood soooo I will be meannnn to my mom in front of my friends, and my mom interprets thattt as me being “a bitch” to my friends. Also my mom will ask my friends stuff or offer them stuff and then I will answer for them, cuz they are too nice to say no. like my mom will ask my best friend if she wants dinner and I will yell “no she doesn’t want any she already ate” (because my friend has an ED and she obviously doesn’t ever want food, but you know how its hard to like say no to someone’s parents cuz u don’t wanna seem rude, soooo I will yell “no” at my mom, and my mom thinks that is “mean” but really its nice of me cuz I am being persistent and saving my best friends ass from being pressured/guilted into eating dinner/trying my moms latest cookies or whatever the fuck it is.)
Sooo I flipped a bitch over wanting to lick the scraps of cake batter out of a bowl. Wow I am nuts. Oh well I do hate them and I do love calling my little sister fat. Shes like 5 foot 3 135 lbs, maybe 140 even. Cuz it is true she cant say “no I am not” because her huge belly is evidence that she is huge. Like I am embarrassed to be related to her. My older sister however is stick skinny, and she can take months off of exercising/not exercise at all and eat like a guy and still stay tiny. She goes to the gym just for the “health” of it…..wierd. like she doesn’t try to or want to loose weight she just works out for the health benefits, which is crazy to me.
Today I ate: ½ a homemade waffle (maybe 400 cal tops) 6 chocolate chips, 1 spoonful of cake batter (which I snagged pre outburst) and that’s it. (no clue the calories on those last 2 foods I am not gonna bother checking)I am going to avoid dinner and hopefully my fam will still be pissed off at me that they wont mind that the cold hearted bitch skips out on dinner.
I weighed 108 today. But I don’t feel 108 or look 108. Weird. Whatever. I have fucking boobs!! Ughhh!!! Like when I was 103 I didn’t have boobs, bras were often optional, and I couldn’t even get cleavage if I tried…and I loved it. I hate boobs, they need to hurry up and disappear again!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
I hate wasting food....
….1 v8 splash, I yogurt, 2 pieces of chicken, 1 poptart, all that I “ate” butreallyitwasfedtomydog/downthesink…. I kinda hate wasting food, but I hate eating food more, so whatev.
Today I ate: chicken burger w/ bun, lettuce and red onions, minimal amts of mustard/hot sauce on it. I am guessing its 400 cals. 2 small sips of vb splash and 1/5 of a piece of pound cake 100 cal. Cheese 100 cal, and cooked mixed veggies 70 cal. Oh and loads of black coffee as always :)
Total: 670. L (btw I always over estimate my calories consumed, just to be extra careful)
I did go to the gym w/ my mom. We stayed for a little over a hour and I did 70 mins of cardio, I burnt 650 cals….ugh I need to stay staying at the gym longer, during the winter I would stay for 1 hr and 40 mins usually and id burn 800 cals on average…. Sooo I am significantly more lazy then I once was…..actually I think its cuz I am outta school for summer break, cuz during the school year me and my sister wake up at 5 am, hit the gym at 6 am, come home from the gym around 8am and shower and get ready to go to school, so its more of a structured schedule/daily habit. But since its summer my sister is off doing her own thing all the time/working, and so I end up going to the gym with my mom instead and she only stays for 70 mins.
I weighed 110 today, so right now my weight is in the 110-112ish range. I can't wait for it to drop to the 103-105ish range!
Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut at a sorta high end salon, so my haircut will be overpriced but I am hoping it will turn out really good because I could really use a good haircut. My hair is total shit, basically the only time it looks good is when I curl it, because I am pretty skilled with a curling iron and curling my hair makes it look super voluminous and shiny…..the whole starvation/malnourished thing has basically made my hair go to hell….oh well, its another sacrifice I make for the end goal.
Stay strong <3
Today I ate: chicken burger w/ bun, lettuce and red onions, minimal amts of mustard/hot sauce on it. I am guessing its 400 cals. 2 small sips of vb splash and 1/5 of a piece of pound cake 100 cal. Cheese 100 cal, and cooked mixed veggies 70 cal. Oh and loads of black coffee as always :)
Total: 670. L (btw I always over estimate my calories consumed, just to be extra careful)
I did go to the gym w/ my mom. We stayed for a little over a hour and I did 70 mins of cardio, I burnt 650 cals….ugh I need to stay staying at the gym longer, during the winter I would stay for 1 hr and 40 mins usually and id burn 800 cals on average…. Sooo I am significantly more lazy then I once was…..actually I think its cuz I am outta school for summer break, cuz during the school year me and my sister wake up at 5 am, hit the gym at 6 am, come home from the gym around 8am and shower and get ready to go to school, so its more of a structured schedule/daily habit. But since its summer my sister is off doing her own thing all the time/working, and so I end up going to the gym with my mom instead and she only stays for 70 mins.
I weighed 110 today, so right now my weight is in the 110-112ish range. I can't wait for it to drop to the 103-105ish range!
Tomorrow I am getting my hair cut at a sorta high end salon, so my haircut will be overpriced but I am hoping it will turn out really good because I could really use a good haircut. My hair is total shit, basically the only time it looks good is when I curl it, because I am pretty skilled with a curling iron and curling my hair makes it look super voluminous and shiny…..the whole starvation/malnourished thing has basically made my hair go to hell….oh well, its another sacrifice I make for the end goal.
Stay strong <3
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
My introduction….sorry so long :/
I guess this post will be my introduction/some background info on me. Warning it will probably be long and rantey, but you can get to know me so read it!
Height: 5' 3"/5' 4"ish
CW: 112
LW: 103
HW: 135
First of all i have never used blogger/gmail before, so therefore i fear i might be technically challenged for a while until i get used to it, so forgive me in advance. I am used to vox & yahoo.
my name is not noelle, but i decided to pick some random name that you all can refer to me as, because if my true identity would be revealed i would be mortified and probably locked away at some inpatient facility asap....so neither of those can happen, hence i am noelle. I picked the name by flipping through a mythology book and using the first female name i encountered.
anyways....onto more relevant topics:
everything else about me is real. I am 19, i am a full time student, i graduate with my bachelors degree this spring!
Eating wise, i have always been pretty screwey. i remember being very young, like 3rd grade, watching tv seeing girls in their bikinis on the beach and thinking "if i stop eating i can look like that". I did a few sports where the lower the weight the more desirable of an athlete you are, and that was triggering. other people probably wouldn't call me fat, but i call myself fat. because in my mind averagely slim/healthy weight/in shape=FAT. I overeat until my stomach is about to burst then i starve for days. mostly starving though. i love me some black coffee, diet sunkist, and apples!
in 2008 i had a BF i adored, an amazing job, i was about to graduate high school, i had been accepted to the university i had always wanted to go to, i had a really active social life, i was really happy......which is rare for me.....and the result of that all was me gaining weight, i went from 117ish to 135ish. i hated my body, my clothes got tighter but for some crazy reason i didn’t mind that much, and i just kept eating, its like crazyyyy to think about now, it is soo different then what i do now. i knew how to lose weight, i knew no food in=fat leaving body, but for some reason i wasn't ready to commit to doing that, like i had before i didnt have the need to be skinny like i do now.
My first year at the university was wayyy different for me, lots of changes, i lost touch with so many ppl, i lost my wonderful job, everyone moved away to different colleges and such,. then around January 2009 something changed, i don’t know what exactly, but my mind shifted from being okay with being fat to being completely disgusted and horrified with me beign fat. i started starving once again, and i lost weight, my family got a gym membership and i was ecstatic, i would work out nearly every day, and even more weight came off. between January and march i had gone from 135 to 110. hell yeah.
at first i didn’t even weigh myself or keep track of the weight. i had a case of scale phobia. i wore sweats/gym clothes to school every single day winter quarter (sloppy yes i know) and so i never realized that all my jeans/clothes were way too small on me. then one day when my friend was coming in town to visit i realized i needed to get ready do the hair, wear nice clothes, etc. and i tried on my jeans, and i was blown away by how huge they were on me, i hoped on the scale and i noticed a 20ish lb weight loss, i was thrilled. ever since then i have been seriously unable to stop,
i loved the attention and the gasps i got from her when she saw my new figure, i loved feeling empty, feeling dizzy, saying no, drinking tea and diet pop for breaky lunch and dinner, hiding food from my parents, faking like i ate meals, discovering the lowest cal foods. it is like a constant challenge or task or something for me and i love making progress and getting smaller, something i can control and measure.
i got to my lowest 103 around spring of 2009....by then the light bulb turned on in my family’s head, and they started pestering me about if i ate, how i looked sick, how i wasn’t allowed to go to the gym, they would make me hop on the scale and weigh myself, they yelled at me and i would cry and tell them that i was fine and that they were crazy/delusional and that i ate and that i was healthy and that they were punishing me for being healthy (all BS lies of course) they would watch me eat my meals, they would bake my favorite foods in order to try to trigger me to binge...and in the battle of noelle vs food/family they were winning. they yelled at me when i would wear scarves saying how i was just trying to "hide my bones from them" (damn they are smart...lol) when i would say i had cereal for breakfast my mom would say "oh you mean you faked having cereal" (once again fuuckkk they were catching on) sooo my disordered ways kinda got put on hold.....they watched me like a hawk and they made me eat, and i gained weight.
then it was summer, i had to finish pre reqs so i took classes at a community college. for some reason summer school was really stressing me out/challenging. i think it was just the pressure to get 4.0s that made me freaking worry about school so much, but i studied so much/stressed so much over school that i didn’t go to the gym once all summer....and since i had "fattened up" i wasss allowed to go to the gym once again, but i didn’t have time.
so now summer school is over, school is starting again in the fall, i have been working my ass off to get back to where i was before my family intervened. hopefully they think all is well and dandy and that my starving phase is over....hopefully the baggy winter/fall clothes will help me out also, hopefully i can fool them all, and this time not let them stop me.....over my "fattening up" i went from 103 to about 119! eek! butttt now i am back down to 112, and i want the number to get lower and my body to shrink smaller.
this blog is just for me to connect with other ppl who are doing what i am doing food wise. but yeah, i am wanting support. i know what i am doing effs up my body, i know my mind/perceptions are a little...or a lot....messed up, i know there are other ways to loose weight, but i dont want any of that. i want to do this for so many reasons, i know what i do is pretty mad, but i also think if i didnt starve i would be in a lot worse shape.this is my control, my body, something i want and need to have. when i am not eating i am good and i am happy, when i eat i feel like a miserable fat failure. i like to keep track of myself so this blog can help me do that.
i promise i won’t write posts this freekign long daily, don’t let this massive first one scare you off! & for some reason my auto cap is messed up so sry for limited caps in this post.
Height: 5' 3"/5' 4"ish
CW: 112
LW: 103
HW: 135
First of all i have never used blogger/gmail before, so therefore i fear i might be technically challenged for a while until i get used to it, so forgive me in advance. I am used to vox & yahoo.
my name is not noelle, but i decided to pick some random name that you all can refer to me as, because if my true identity would be revealed i would be mortified and probably locked away at some inpatient facility asap....so neither of those can happen, hence i am noelle. I picked the name by flipping through a mythology book and using the first female name i encountered.
anyways....onto more relevant topics:
everything else about me is real. I am 19, i am a full time student, i graduate with my bachelors degree this spring!
Eating wise, i have always been pretty screwey. i remember being very young, like 3rd grade, watching tv seeing girls in their bikinis on the beach and thinking "if i stop eating i can look like that". I did a few sports where the lower the weight the more desirable of an athlete you are, and that was triggering. other people probably wouldn't call me fat, but i call myself fat. because in my mind averagely slim/healthy weight/in shape=FAT. I overeat until my stomach is about to burst then i starve for days. mostly starving though. i love me some black coffee, diet sunkist, and apples!
in 2008 i had a BF i adored, an amazing job, i was about to graduate high school, i had been accepted to the university i had always wanted to go to, i had a really active social life, i was really happy......which is rare for me.....and the result of that all was me gaining weight, i went from 117ish to 135ish. i hated my body, my clothes got tighter but for some crazy reason i didn’t mind that much, and i just kept eating, its like crazyyyy to think about now, it is soo different then what i do now. i knew how to lose weight, i knew no food in=fat leaving body, but for some reason i wasn't ready to commit to doing that, like i had before i didnt have the need to be skinny like i do now.
My first year at the university was wayyy different for me, lots of changes, i lost touch with so many ppl, i lost my wonderful job, everyone moved away to different colleges and such,. then around January 2009 something changed, i don’t know what exactly, but my mind shifted from being okay with being fat to being completely disgusted and horrified with me beign fat. i started starving once again, and i lost weight, my family got a gym membership and i was ecstatic, i would work out nearly every day, and even more weight came off. between January and march i had gone from 135 to 110. hell yeah.
at first i didn’t even weigh myself or keep track of the weight. i had a case of scale phobia. i wore sweats/gym clothes to school every single day winter quarter (sloppy yes i know) and so i never realized that all my jeans/clothes were way too small on me. then one day when my friend was coming in town to visit i realized i needed to get ready do the hair, wear nice clothes, etc. and i tried on my jeans, and i was blown away by how huge they were on me, i hoped on the scale and i noticed a 20ish lb weight loss, i was thrilled. ever since then i have been seriously unable to stop,
i loved the attention and the gasps i got from her when she saw my new figure, i loved feeling empty, feeling dizzy, saying no, drinking tea and diet pop for breaky lunch and dinner, hiding food from my parents, faking like i ate meals, discovering the lowest cal foods. it is like a constant challenge or task or something for me and i love making progress and getting smaller, something i can control and measure.
i got to my lowest 103 around spring of 2009....by then the light bulb turned on in my family’s head, and they started pestering me about if i ate, how i looked sick, how i wasn’t allowed to go to the gym, they would make me hop on the scale and weigh myself, they yelled at me and i would cry and tell them that i was fine and that they were crazy/delusional and that i ate and that i was healthy and that they were punishing me for being healthy (all BS lies of course) they would watch me eat my meals, they would bake my favorite foods in order to try to trigger me to binge...and in the battle of noelle vs food/family they were winning. they yelled at me when i would wear scarves saying how i was just trying to "hide my bones from them" (damn they are smart...lol) when i would say i had cereal for breakfast my mom would say "oh you mean you faked having cereal" (once again fuuckkk they were catching on) sooo my disordered ways kinda got put on hold.....they watched me like a hawk and they made me eat, and i gained weight.
then it was summer, i had to finish pre reqs so i took classes at a community college. for some reason summer school was really stressing me out/challenging. i think it was just the pressure to get 4.0s that made me freaking worry about school so much, but i studied so much/stressed so much over school that i didn’t go to the gym once all summer....and since i had "fattened up" i wasss allowed to go to the gym once again, but i didn’t have time.
so now summer school is over, school is starting again in the fall, i have been working my ass off to get back to where i was before my family intervened. hopefully they think all is well and dandy and that my starving phase is over....hopefully the baggy winter/fall clothes will help me out also, hopefully i can fool them all, and this time not let them stop me.....over my "fattening up" i went from 103 to about 119! eek! butttt now i am back down to 112, and i want the number to get lower and my body to shrink smaller.
this blog is just for me to connect with other ppl who are doing what i am doing food wise. but yeah, i am wanting support. i know what i am doing effs up my body, i know my mind/perceptions are a little...or a lot....messed up, i know there are other ways to loose weight, but i dont want any of that. i want to do this for so many reasons, i know what i do is pretty mad, but i also think if i didnt starve i would be in a lot worse shape.this is my control, my body, something i want and need to have. when i am not eating i am good and i am happy, when i eat i feel like a miserable fat failure. i like to keep track of myself so this blog can help me do that.
i promise i won’t write posts this freekign long daily, don’t let this massive first one scare you off! & for some reason my auto cap is messed up so sry for limited caps in this post.
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