There is a hot turkey burger sitting in a box in my closet. Ew ewe w puke! Gross. Oh well, it’s better than having to eat it I guess. I was totally able to get away with not eating dinner today, which is rare, and good for me. 0 cals consumed today, but also I didn’t go to the gym, it just felt wayyyy too good sleeping in.
Thanksgiving was fun, more fun than most years, I got to see my best friend for a few hours cuz she was in town! Yay for the first time since like august, wow!!! I curled my hair and did my makeup and wore a dress, because I wanted to remind my family/best friend/(myself also) that I cannnnn look somewhat/sorta/kinda pretty if I try….usually they only always see me in sweats/pajamas/with messy hair and no makeup.
Funny how different things get in just ~365 days…..
Thanksgiving 2008:
I ate till I was stuffed, then ate some more, then ate desert
I drank caloriefilled punch, with vodka in it
I had my BF come over after dinner, and we were the cutest happiest couple ever
I weighed about 130ish
Best friend and I talked about black Friday shopping mostly
Gym? What gym? Was not a member of any gym.
Thanksgiving 2009:
I ate as little as possible, and didn’t eat any desert
I drank black coffee and diet dr pepper and water, and I cant even imagine drinking calories!
My X-BF did not come over but he called me, I ignored the call, and he left me a message on my phone, which I listened to and felt totally indifferent about.
I weighed about 105ish
Best friend and I talked about our plans to lose weight and have total domination over all other girls by being skinnier then them.
Chewed and spit some chocolates….kinda unintentionally once again…
Felt really annoyed/distraught that the gym was closed on this holiday
Lol
I am beyond sick of school.
I feel really lonely lately also.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Super good mood!
Ate: granola bar + ¼ of a cookie (200) chew and spit a couple cookies…..not intentionally I just kinda realized there was no way in fuck I could allow myself to swallow even more calories, like I could not do it. But then I kept wanting to eat a cookie but then regretting putting it in my mouth and spittign it out…. so that was the chew and spit…it was weird, I usually don’t do that. Dinner, pasta (300)
Gym: burnt 550. Weak!!! For some reason I think me and my sister left earlier and that’s why I burnt less, we are both all off schedule due to me having my first class canceled today.
My mom went shopping and bought diet dr pepper!! Yay!! And millstone vanilla coffe grounds (0cals) yay!!! This will make my life a little easier.
I come home and she asks me if I want to see her pumpkin-toffee cheesecake she made? See it? Uhhh yeah mom I totalllllly want to stare at a cheesecake that I cant eat until thanksgiving dinner (that is if I wanted to eat it, which I don’t) so I just yelled no and booked it to my room. God my house has morphed into a restaurant. I am hiding in my room and not coming out unless forced. I don’t want to be around all that food.
My professor gave us a pop quiz today, which he does often, butttt he made all the answers super obvious, and every single answer was “B”. like some of them were actually laugh out loud funny because they were so easy and ridiculous, and it was hilarious because it is so out of character for him, hes like the type of professor who I think lovessss trick questions on exams normally. So that kinda made me day, and I got out of class a half hour early! Woo!
So as if I needed any more motivation to loose weight, my boobs! Ahh!!! Like none of my bras fit right, like seriously u know how bras are size “32 A” or “34 C” or whatever the measurement not of the cup size but of the inches, like that measurement on me, like right below my boobs is like litrally 26 inches, its abnormally small, (the rest of me is not though lol) and so like no bras ever fit me because the smallest size I have ever seen is 30. And so like all my bras are too big in the like band area that goes around your chest. Sooo I basically just wear totally unfitting bras or I wear sportsbras, because they fit properly. Ugh ugh ugh, when I was 103 I wore sports bras every day cuz my boobs were nonexistent. I miss that so fuckign much. Boobs boobs disappear!! They are incontinent and like uncomfortable, and bras are uncomfortable and they make wearing clothes uncomfortable, and they just all round suck so much. I literally wish I had the chest of a 10 year old boy. Haha.
Gym: burnt 550. Weak!!! For some reason I think me and my sister left earlier and that’s why I burnt less, we are both all off schedule due to me having my first class canceled today.
My mom went shopping and bought diet dr pepper!! Yay!! And millstone vanilla coffe grounds (0cals) yay!!! This will make my life a little easier.
I come home and she asks me if I want to see her pumpkin-toffee cheesecake she made? See it? Uhhh yeah mom I totalllllly want to stare at a cheesecake that I cant eat until thanksgiving dinner (that is if I wanted to eat it, which I don’t) so I just yelled no and booked it to my room. God my house has morphed into a restaurant. I am hiding in my room and not coming out unless forced. I don’t want to be around all that food.
My professor gave us a pop quiz today, which he does often, butttt he made all the answers super obvious, and every single answer was “B”. like some of them were actually laugh out loud funny because they were so easy and ridiculous, and it was hilarious because it is so out of character for him, hes like the type of professor who I think lovessss trick questions on exams normally. So that kinda made me day, and I got out of class a half hour early! Woo!
So as if I needed any more motivation to loose weight, my boobs! Ahh!!! Like none of my bras fit right, like seriously u know how bras are size “32 A” or “34 C” or whatever the measurement not of the cup size but of the inches, like that measurement on me, like right below my boobs is like litrally 26 inches, its abnormally small, (the rest of me is not though lol) and so like no bras ever fit me because the smallest size I have ever seen is 30. And so like all my bras are too big in the like band area that goes around your chest. Sooo I basically just wear totally unfitting bras or I wear sportsbras, because they fit properly. Ugh ugh ugh, when I was 103 I wore sports bras every day cuz my boobs were nonexistent. I miss that so fuckign much. Boobs boobs disappear!! They are incontinent and like uncomfortable, and bras are uncomfortable and they make wearing clothes uncomfortable, and they just all round suck so much. I literally wish I had the chest of a 10 year old boy. Haha.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I live a really uninteresting life
That’s why the lack of bloggingness…. Just school mainly, and going to the gym, and listening to my parents obsess over what to cook for thanksgiving, and freezing!
Ate: 2 small homemade chocolate white chocolate chip cookies (500?)
Gym: burnt 700
I get SO cold at school its painful! Like yes there is heat indoors but I think that just the fact that on school days I am running on empty (I never eat except dinner which I am forced to eat around like 5-7pm…whenever it gets cooked…and on school days I don’t get home till like 7pm so I am at school with 0 cals in my system) I get so cold I feel like I cant hold my pen to take notes! Haha. Like holy shit its horrible. I mean what do I do wear a snowsuit to school? My ideas so far include: wear more clothes (but I feel like the type of cold I have is one that is colder then clothes, if that makes sense…) bring handwarmers to school (those hot hands things), maybe a hot watterbottle and like stick in in my shirt? Haha. Or maybe like microwave a potatoe and stick it in my pocket….yes I am serious, I heard that’s what they would do in the olden days to stay warm…..
I am currently waiting for my mom to get home and take me shopping, I am gonna buy some like micro fleece zip ups, or other warm clothes, I wanted to wait till I am smaller to buy new clothes but I am so cold always that I cant wait any longer.
I told my xbf not to call or text me anymore. I told him I would contact him once I weigh 90lbs or less, because until then i feel like talking to him just distracts me and demotivates me…its weird.
Ate: 2 small homemade chocolate white chocolate chip cookies (500?)
Gym: burnt 700
I get SO cold at school its painful! Like yes there is heat indoors but I think that just the fact that on school days I am running on empty (I never eat except dinner which I am forced to eat around like 5-7pm…whenever it gets cooked…and on school days I don’t get home till like 7pm so I am at school with 0 cals in my system) I get so cold I feel like I cant hold my pen to take notes! Haha. Like holy shit its horrible. I mean what do I do wear a snowsuit to school? My ideas so far include: wear more clothes (but I feel like the type of cold I have is one that is colder then clothes, if that makes sense…) bring handwarmers to school (those hot hands things), maybe a hot watterbottle and like stick in in my shirt? Haha. Or maybe like microwave a potatoe and stick it in my pocket….yes I am serious, I heard that’s what they would do in the olden days to stay warm…..
I am currently waiting for my mom to get home and take me shopping, I am gonna buy some like micro fleece zip ups, or other warm clothes, I wanted to wait till I am smaller to buy new clothes but I am so cold always that I cant wait any longer.
I told my xbf not to call or text me anymore. I told him I would contact him once I weigh 90lbs or less, because until then i feel like talking to him just distracts me and demotivates me…its weird.
Friday, November 20, 2009
off topic much
Gym: burnt 650 cals (while reading 3 chapters for school! 2 birds one stone)
Ate: I chicken leg ( way small no skin, no sauces), 1 cup white rice, 1 tsp soy sauce, 14 pieces of dried plums, 1 homemade granola bar. Kinda a lot I know….i suck. At least I made it to the gym….and also at least I resisted the pumpkin spice muffins my mom made, and the tostada she brought home for me, and the rest of the amazing homemade granola bars.
I have a fatty to do list of things I must accomplish this weekend, none which are any fun….i also have a to do list of things I will do once I am skinny….lol its really lame I know, but it makes me remember not to fuck up…..i might share some of it later…
The following is not relevant/interesting, feel free to stop reading now :
Sooo the paper I wrote a while back (my midterm paper) I got a 3.9 on!! Which I usually would be pissed for not getting a 4.0 but this class is sooo unorganized/unpredictable/spacey professor/assignments changing daily/etc. that I am thrilled I got a 3.9 on it. Woo! And I sit by a group of like 5 guys in that class and they all got like 3.4’s on their papers, and they were all impressed. Because here I am, some 19 year old girl that doesn’t look very smart and I got the best grade in the class. Then they all wanted to read my paper and see what comments our professor wrote on it so they could know what our prof is looking for in an A quality paper. I am pretty proud of myself, considering I worked my ass off on that paper. Also on the day we turned in our papers I was like “omg I am going to fail this paper, I am so sad I have like given up on school blah blah mope mope wine wine bitch bitch” and I swear to god I truly thought that. (lack of self confidence much? ) and then they all gave me shit for thinking I was gonna fail, and I was like “no I seriously musta got lucky or something I didn’t expect this at all”. Wow how lame am I for getting this excited? Very lame. But whatever all I have to be proud of at at the moment.
Ate: I chicken leg ( way small no skin, no sauces), 1 cup white rice, 1 tsp soy sauce, 14 pieces of dried plums, 1 homemade granola bar. Kinda a lot I know….i suck. At least I made it to the gym….and also at least I resisted the pumpkin spice muffins my mom made, and the tostada she brought home for me, and the rest of the amazing homemade granola bars.
I have a fatty to do list of things I must accomplish this weekend, none which are any fun….i also have a to do list of things I will do once I am skinny….lol its really lame I know, but it makes me remember not to fuck up…..i might share some of it later…
The following is not relevant/interesting, feel free to stop reading now :
Sooo the paper I wrote a while back (my midterm paper) I got a 3.9 on!! Which I usually would be pissed for not getting a 4.0 but this class is sooo unorganized/unpredictable/spacey professor/assignments changing daily/etc. that I am thrilled I got a 3.9 on it. Woo! And I sit by a group of like 5 guys in that class and they all got like 3.4’s on their papers, and they were all impressed. Because here I am, some 19 year old girl that doesn’t look very smart and I got the best grade in the class. Then they all wanted to read my paper and see what comments our professor wrote on it so they could know what our prof is looking for in an A quality paper. I am pretty proud of myself, considering I worked my ass off on that paper. Also on the day we turned in our papers I was like “omg I am going to fail this paper, I am so sad I have like given up on school blah blah mope mope wine wine bitch bitch” and I swear to god I truly thought that. (lack of self confidence much? ) and then they all gave me shit for thinking I was gonna fail, and I was like “no I seriously musta got lucky or something I didn’t expect this at all”. Wow how lame am I for getting this excited? Very lame. But whatever all I have to be proud of at at the moment.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
question 6.
1. I have been busy trying to write a really hellish paper on a really lame book….a book that my professor wrote, which makes it even harder to write a decent paper about because he is obviously an expert on the book if he wrote it.
2. I have been doing good lately food wise and gym wise. Waking up early and going even though I really just want to sleep ALL day. The scale hasn’t budged 105-107 range. Fuckshitfuck.
3. I hate how loosing weight takes time, even if I only eat 200 cals per day and burn 700 cals at the gym it still takes time, its just inevitable, and its frustrating as hell
4. I asked my sister if my arms had gotten fatter and she said yeah right they look like skeleton’s arms, the same size and the same color. So is my sister crazy and delusional or am I? hmmm.
5. I am moving in with one of my best friends, temporarily, she has a super cute amazing condo and I am gonna stay with her during my winter break, for 1 month and we are both going to go to the gym and just fast like nonstop. We have already discussed our plan. Yes its crazy but I am aware of that.
6. I NEED new shoes. A few months back my little sister, mom and my sisters friend went to the gym and my sisters friend fucking wore my shoes!!! I didn’t know about it till later…and she totally like heelfucked my shoes, and by heelfucked I mean she did that thing where you put your feet in your shoes but not your heels cuz you are too damn lazy to unlace them, and walk with your foot halfway in the shoe yeah she did that after leaving the gym to my shoes, so now the heel of my shoe is like ruined, and like is all messed up and permanently indented and just not lined up right. Also I have had these shoes for 4 years! Crazy huh? I used them for conditioning when I wrestled in 10th grade (yes I did wrestling but I promise you I am not your stereotypical dyke-like female wrestler, you never would guess it just by looking at me lol), so I ran lots in them then, and then I was lazy and fat for like a couple years and since jan 2009 I have been really active. So my question is any recommendations for good running shoes brand/make? I just run around my neighborhood/at the gym on the cardio machines, I usually do about 6 miles per day average. Any brand of running shoe that you got that just made you wanna run faster and jump higher? Haha. If so let me know, I am not a serious runner so I honestly have no clue what a good brand is. I want a new pair asap, but I have no time to school because school rules my life, unfortunatlly.
2. I have been doing good lately food wise and gym wise. Waking up early and going even though I really just want to sleep ALL day. The scale hasn’t budged 105-107 range. Fuckshitfuck.
3. I hate how loosing weight takes time, even if I only eat 200 cals per day and burn 700 cals at the gym it still takes time, its just inevitable, and its frustrating as hell
4. I asked my sister if my arms had gotten fatter and she said yeah right they look like skeleton’s arms, the same size and the same color. So is my sister crazy and delusional or am I? hmmm.
5. I am moving in with one of my best friends, temporarily, she has a super cute amazing condo and I am gonna stay with her during my winter break, for 1 month and we are both going to go to the gym and just fast like nonstop. We have already discussed our plan. Yes its crazy but I am aware of that.
6. I NEED new shoes. A few months back my little sister, mom and my sisters friend went to the gym and my sisters friend fucking wore my shoes!!! I didn’t know about it till later…and she totally like heelfucked my shoes, and by heelfucked I mean she did that thing where you put your feet in your shoes but not your heels cuz you are too damn lazy to unlace them, and walk with your foot halfway in the shoe yeah she did that after leaving the gym to my shoes, so now the heel of my shoe is like ruined, and like is all messed up and permanently indented and just not lined up right. Also I have had these shoes for 4 years! Crazy huh? I used them for conditioning when I wrestled in 10th grade (yes I did wrestling but I promise you I am not your stereotypical dyke-like female wrestler, you never would guess it just by looking at me lol), so I ran lots in them then, and then I was lazy and fat for like a couple years and since jan 2009 I have been really active. So my question is any recommendations for good running shoes brand/make? I just run around my neighborhood/at the gym on the cardio machines, I usually do about 6 miles per day average. Any brand of running shoe that you got that just made you wanna run faster and jump higher? Haha. If so let me know, I am not a serious runner so I honestly have no clue what a good brand is. I want a new pair asap, but I have no time to school because school rules my life, unfortunatlly.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
~
Gym: (I was to lazy to go in the morning but I DID go at night!! ) burnt 600ish cals
Ate: ½ a English muffin w/ tuna, 5 spoonfuls of mac n cheese.
Totally unproductive schoolwise. Totally have to read a book that’s 400 pgs and write a paper on it by wed, totally procrastinating because I HATE that class like to highest possible level of hatred.
My friend wants me to come over again this Saturday and drink with her. I admit it was fun, but the calories are what is worrying me. Its 70cals per 1 oz of the run she is gonna get, sooo I figure I will just hit the gym extra hard before and after?? What should I do? Ugh…why does alcohol have to be so fun and so high cal?
I told my xbf that I didn’t want to see him until I lose a significant amt of weight. He didn’t understand why, I told him that I can’t be fully happy unless I am skinny, and that until I am skinny I am gonna be a grumpy, mopey, self-pitying miserable piece of shit, and so that he shouldn’t even bother hanging out with me until I am skinny again. Because once I am skinny I will be confident, happy, floating on top of the world, carefree, and I will be able to spend quality time with him. It sounds retarded but its true.
I told him that I would compare my NEED to lose weight as important as the need for a drug addict to get help, I told him that me loosing this weight was something I needed to do for my own well being and that if he truly cared about me he would understand that I need to focus on doing what I want and what I need first before I can focus my love and attention towards him.
…oh yeah he knows about my totally unhealthy crazed weight loss ways, and he doesn’t try to stop me.
But seriously until I am happy with myself, and love myself more I canttttt be in a relationship or have any sort of relationship with him, it wouldn’t be fair to him, because I would be a mess and I would be crying and wining about how much I hate myself 24/7 so its best that I just stay away from him and focus on ME and what I need at the moment.
Ate: ½ a English muffin w/ tuna, 5 spoonfuls of mac n cheese.
Totally unproductive schoolwise. Totally have to read a book that’s 400 pgs and write a paper on it by wed, totally procrastinating because I HATE that class like to highest possible level of hatred.
My friend wants me to come over again this Saturday and drink with her. I admit it was fun, but the calories are what is worrying me. Its 70cals per 1 oz of the run she is gonna get, sooo I figure I will just hit the gym extra hard before and after?? What should I do? Ugh…why does alcohol have to be so fun and so high cal?
I told my xbf that I didn’t want to see him until I lose a significant amt of weight. He didn’t understand why, I told him that I can’t be fully happy unless I am skinny, and that until I am skinny I am gonna be a grumpy, mopey, self-pitying miserable piece of shit, and so that he shouldn’t even bother hanging out with me until I am skinny again. Because once I am skinny I will be confident, happy, floating on top of the world, carefree, and I will be able to spend quality time with him. It sounds retarded but its true.
I told him that I would compare my NEED to lose weight as important as the need for a drug addict to get help, I told him that me loosing this weight was something I needed to do for my own well being and that if he truly cared about me he would understand that I need to focus on doing what I want and what I need first before I can focus my love and attention towards him.
…oh yeah he knows about my totally unhealthy crazed weight loss ways, and he doesn’t try to stop me.
But seriously until I am happy with myself, and love myself more I canttttt be in a relationship or have any sort of relationship with him, it wouldn’t be fair to him, because I would be a mess and I would be crying and wining about how much I hate myself 24/7 so its best that I just stay away from him and focus on ME and what I need at the moment.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
105
Happy veterans day!
The last time I weighed myself was Saturday, I weighed 105.
It made me pretty pissed cuz I feel my weight has been going down SO SLOWLY, but like honestly I HAVENT been going to the gym regularly, at all, so its no surprise really, for me, I only can loose weight if I restrict a lot and go to the gym, so that’s why I am at 105. But I LOOK huge, I don’t look the same as i did when I was at 105 before, I think it is because I useddddd to weigh 105 and I was like toned/somewhat had muscle, and so thats why I looked “better” then at 105 then I do now. I seriously LOOK like I weigh 120, my body is probably alllll fat now and no muscle at all that’s why my weight is “low” but I look like fucking shit…. Fml fml.
I haven’t been to the gym in fucking forever! I just feel have been exhausted lately, its horrible. I will just take random naps and then wake up at 1am and then go to sleep till 10am and then realize I slept for like 14 hours and try to be productive. Ahh! Must stop my crazy sleep patterns…I think its more being depressed and unmotivated then actuallll tiredness.
I am pissed at life, starving helps relieve some of the anxiety that goes with that, but being pissed/depressed/unmotivated doesn’t help me get my ass to the gym, which is bad.
I NEED to do better, will someone slap some sense into me and tell me to hit the gym at 5 am daily like I once used to do? Please?
The last time I weighed myself was Saturday, I weighed 105.
It made me pretty pissed cuz I feel my weight has been going down SO SLOWLY, but like honestly I HAVENT been going to the gym regularly, at all, so its no surprise really, for me, I only can loose weight if I restrict a lot and go to the gym, so that’s why I am at 105. But I LOOK huge, I don’t look the same as i did when I was at 105 before, I think it is because I useddddd to weigh 105 and I was like toned/somewhat had muscle, and so thats why I looked “better” then at 105 then I do now. I seriously LOOK like I weigh 120, my body is probably alllll fat now and no muscle at all that’s why my weight is “low” but I look like fucking shit…. Fml fml.
I haven’t been to the gym in fucking forever! I just feel have been exhausted lately, its horrible. I will just take random naps and then wake up at 1am and then go to sleep till 10am and then realize I slept for like 14 hours and try to be productive. Ahh! Must stop my crazy sleep patterns…I think its more being depressed and unmotivated then actuallll tiredness.
I am pissed at life, starving helps relieve some of the anxiety that goes with that, but being pissed/depressed/unmotivated doesn’t help me get my ass to the gym, which is bad.
I NEED to do better, will someone slap some sense into me and tell me to hit the gym at 5 am daily like I once used to do? Please?
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