I weigh 111-112ish today. Booo! My comp has been spastic lately so I haven’t been on blogger, sorry for the absence!

Uhm exciting news: I had my first official nursing clinical last week. I worked the night shift in the ER it was amazing, it was so fun, I loved it, it was one of those experiences where you are refreshed and feel even more certainty that you are doing the right thing. I always knew I wanted to be a nurse, but that night at the ER at the hospital made me just 200% sure. The nurse I worked with even told me that “he could tell I was going to be a good nurse, and that my heart is in the right place, etc. etc.” aka he complimented me a lottttt. He also told me that he is a “mean nurse” and he will tell students if he thinks they don’t have what it takes, and he will tell them “you should just leave now, or go sweep the floors of the hospital that is all your good for” haha. Thank GOD he didn’t think that about me. He was drillin’ me on a bunch of questions too, I can’t believe I remembered the answers, I’m glad I did because it made me feel even more competent. I had SO much fun, it was 8 hours on my feet, I didn’t sit down or take a break once that entire time. Omg I loved it so so soooo much. I work in OB this week for my nursing clinical at the hospital. But my 1 and only day in ER was total lovvvvve, I was in love with the whole experience. Okay enough about that….its totally random and unrelated. But I am excited and I am proud of myself for surviving my first day, I was SO nervous about it, just the anticipation of the whole thing, so now that the first day is over and done with I can relax a bit and enjoy it all. I also did good on my neurological test that I had been avoiding studying for, woo! Sooo I am feeling pretty damn good at the moment. And I am gonna hang out with my BF tomorrow, since we both have the day off, so I am excited about that.

Okay so 250 or less calorie days. For 10 days. I wonder how much weight I will lose? Hmm. Lets find out. I will document it to the T.

I weighed 110 this morning. I feel pretty sad lately. Nursing school, the bf, friends, family, all are taking a turn for the worse. All are stressing me out BAD. I plan on starving my frustrations out. It really does work. Starving is my indirect FUCK YOU to my family, to my bf when he’s being a dick, to my less than perfect test scores, to my friends who don’t value me, to everything. When I was 103lbs i had that as a source of comfort, when everything was shit, I had that.

…or a less depressing note…. I saw black swan, the bf took me as a date, and it was wonderful. I was glad he took me to see it (lol because obviously he has zero interest in a psycho ballerina movie). So I was trying to figure out what Natalie’s weight was in the movie? Anyone know? Just out of sheer curiosity. I know that Mila (lily) weighed 95 during filming and she is 5 foot 3. And I know that BOTH actresses lost 20lbs for filming in about 5 months time. I wanna lose 20lbs. I will lose 20lbs.

It is so FREEING and comforting to be skinny, it is one less thing I can not stress about, one less thing I can worry about or feel insecure about or hate myself about. I cant change my eye color, my height, my parents, etc. etc. but I can and I will change my weight.

Fuck I need to study!!!!!!! I am learning about the neuro system right now, it is one of the med-surg topics I have a hard time grasping because it is so hard for me to visualize it, and it is so complex. I hate this, I gotta study, I have been screwing around all day avoiding it. Boooo!

I plan on going to the gym tonight. Not for long, maybe 1 hour or so. Today I have ate too much: cherioes (50) choco-chips (200) pb (50) ghram cracker (80) cookies (600) dried fruit (100) total= SHIT. No more food for me todayyy.
<3 you all, do good. Starve away all your stressors.

I weigh 109-110ish…Hmm I guess a good diet is to get so horribly stressed/anxious/depressed you cannot even imagine eating. That has basically been me lately. Idk if its “real” weight loss, I mean I am probably just NOT full of food/fluids, and that’s why I weigh less, either way its nice, if the reasons for it happening weren’t so shit. I forced myself to eat an apple the other day because I was gonna be driving for 1 hour and when I am starving and driving I feel really roadsick/become borderline blackout.

Im having troubles with my bf. I don’t wanna get into it. We didn’t talk for a couple days, I got so sad all I wanted to do was sleep and lay in my room in the dark. I hate when things are unsettled/shakey with us, because it distracts me SO bad from other things. Like thank god I didn’t have any school stuff to get done. First day back at school was today, ugh totally depressing. BUT I don’t have one of my classes till mon, and the orientation to my other class till wed. so I kinda have a few days left of freedom to screw around. I think I will go to the gym tomorrow morning. no I WILL go to the gym tomorrow morning. I want my bf to call me. I hate waiting for him to call me, but I feel like when iiiiii call him it’s like “admitting defeat” in a way. He’s a man, he can call me, I just wish he would want to have called sayyyyyy 1 hour ago. Grrrrrr.

I weighed 111 today, woo! I don’t look 111 though in my opinion…I am weird. I have fantasies about the weirdest things, but maybe these things will sound normal to some of you... I want to be skinny, very skinny. I want girls who to feel fucking huge and hate their life when they see how small I am. I want girls to see how small I am and feel like total shit about their self and for them to be jealous and for them to talk shit with their equally chubby friends about how “she must stare herself” but really they silently WISH they had the willpower to quit stuffing their face…….i don’t mean this to apply to ALL girls, im not a total bitch, just the FEW girls I dislike. Girls who have done me wrong. Me getting skinny is my indirect fuck you to everyone I dislike. Its like I am automatically better then every girl who I am smaller than. Lol make sense? or am I just totally out of my god damn mind? haha or both.
Im introducing my best friend to my bf’s friend, so I am kinda nervous about that, I don’t want an awkward night. I think I will have some wine/light beer/a shot or two to calm my ass down. I hate drinking, cuz it’s empty cals. But I feel so much better when I am drunk-ish. I feel almost/slightly/kinda-a little good about myself and almost semi-sorta-ish happy. So I’ll plan on that for tonight, probably 3 drinks, im a lightweight and I have not ate all day today & don’t plan to so it won’t take much to give me a nice buzz.
Sunday I went to my bf’s house and he had a potluck type thingy and all his friends came over and we cooked dinner, and it was amazing and fun and such a good time, and we had every burner on the stove going, electric griddles going, microwaves, and everyone was cooking something different and we were all drinking and making a mess trying to chop up apples to put in the apple pancakes, and scramble eggs, and stuff. Oh god it was funnnn! I drank mimosas, and spent most of my time helping prepare the food and not eating the food. But anyways….his friends give me so much positive attention I loveeeeee it, they just think I am the cutest thing, which is crazy to me. And I know it is 100% innocent, cuz his friends are nice guys they would never try to steal me from him or persue me in annnyyy way, but when they give me hugs or call me baby or love, or beautiful, but I knowwww it HAS to make my bf a litttttttle bit jealouse,…which I like. He can be jealouse, maybe it will make him treat me better if he feels threatened and sees other guys giving me attention….there is gonna be another “Sunday dinner” with all his friends this Sunday, I am excited for it.
I wana weigh 105 by the time my spring break is over. Idk if I can lose a noticeable amt of weight in a week but I want to try. So I should probably hit the damn gym tomorrow. <3 starve on

I weigh 113 today. I WAS weighing 110 about a week or so ago. But that got messed up obviously, but I want to get back there soon, preferably by Sunday….
We have been having potlucks a lot in school for the end of class party things. And there is TONS of food and all the fat, like actually fat fat girls go over and get a plate and take like some cantaloupe, and grapes, and oranges and celery. Like HA HA who are you trying to fool??? You weigh 200ish lbs because you eat shit and have no self control, don’t try to put on a front for your fellow students. Lol stuff like that entertains me. The potlucks are like one big nightmare to me, like I watch people eat 6 or 7 cookies in a row, while I am mentally doing addition and multiplication thinking of how many calories they are consuming. I can not eat anything anymore without having do to math.

So I am almost on spring break, woo! I need a break from school so bad, I cant wait to SLEEP, and exercise, and have time to spend 2 hours making my hair and makeup look perfect, and all those things that normal 20year old girls get to do when they are not having their life be consumed with nursing school. I also NEED a haircut, but my haircuts never look good, so I just end up not ever getting haircuts, cuz I never have any good haircut ideas of what to get, so I just kinda give up. Also my hair is really thin/fine so I can’t pull off a lot of haircuts. Ugh. ….i want to go do something fun for st pattys day, but no one has invited me to g anywhere/do anything yet.

Skinnyness CAN make you happy. I know because I had it and I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. Aside from being skinny everything else in my life was pretty shit-ish, but the skinnyness made me so happy. I think about how happy I was and my heart does a jolt because I miss how I felt back then so so much. I weighed 111 this morning. I can’t wait for the one-o-somethings. I took a picture of myself on my phone in my mirror in my underwear (lol) FOR THE PURPOSE of me having a pic of myself at 111ish and then when I am 100 I will take another pic in my mirror and SEE if I can see a difference at all. Cuz me just looking at myself in the mirror every day I don’t notice any difference at all. Like I was 125 in September now im 111, I don’t notice any difference. Weird. Uhm this weekend will be hell. I have SO much stuff to catch up on for school, its depressing. I hate weekends, because ALL I do on weekends is catch up on schoolwork/study/read for school, because it is never-ending.

does this annoy the hell out of you too?

I weigh 110-112ish! About fucking time eh? I feel insanely motivated. I CANT believe I was 127ish around September, ahhhh, nightmare! Thank god that number is never gonna be seen again.

....Holy shit THE MOST ANNOYING THING is when people call FAT like straight up undeniable FAT people NOT fat. Omfg. I got in an argument with someone because I called this girl fat, they said “shes overweight, yeah, but not fat” uhmmmm how the fuck does that make anyyy sense? god damn….and by the way she was fat, I wish I had a pic to post of how fat she was so I could have all of you reinforce the fact that I am right, haha. I am SO defensive of how people describe other peoples bodies, like this average/semi-chubby girl was once described as “really skinny” and I could feel my skin start to boil. My plan to relieve some of the anger associated with peoples idiotic descriptions of other peoples figures is for ME to be outrageously, disgustingly, undeniably skinny so that way EVERYONE looks huge and fat compared to me, and NO ONE can be classified as really skinny if they are bigger than me. There problem solved. This is one of my main motivators to lose mega weight. Weird, but true.

Monday night I came home at 10pm drank 4 cups of strong black coffee, ate a 24hr non-drowzy Sudafed, chewed caffeine gum and studied my ass off for pharmacology, took the test in the morning and got a 97 percent, after literally zero sleep. Wooo. 24 hour non-drowzy Sudafed is THE BEST weight loss tool around. No joke. It makes you unable to sleep, have a rapid heartrate, dry mouth, and feel totally not hungry. I swear. IT IS the miracle diet pill you have been looking for, haha. And it’s the miracle pill for being in need of a hunger suppressor annnnd something to keep you up all night studying like I do.

So everyone in the nursing program with me is trying to lose weight (after all it is about 50 girls, and what do all girls want?) BUT they are doing weight watchers and the HCG diet (I heard of a few ppl who have done it with amazing results, might be worth looking into) and whatnot, and I cant wait to watch them all STILL be fat by the time we graduate. hahaha. well they can lose weight, I don’t care, but IIIIIiiiiii just want to lose significantly more weight then them, faster then them. And I WILL. I want to be NOTICABLLY smaller. Like its cold now since its winter so I am wearing sweatshirts and jackets that are semi-bulky-ish, and so I want spring to get here and then BAM I want to be tiny, 100-ish pounds and wear a pair of shorts and a tight shirt and have everyone’s jaw drop. Cuz honestly I have never worn any clothes that have shown off my figure the entire time I have been in school with these people. My collarbones, my arms, they have alllll been hidden, I cant wait to reveal them when the time is right. Blahhh ttyl I gotta get stuff done for school.