sad.

Bad last few days. I really don’t even know why. I weighed 110 today. FML. I weighed 106 the last time I posted. Whoops. I haven’t been going to they gym, I have been eating candy, and I have been beign fat as fuck. The weekends always are killer. Especially because I have 4 day weekends.

My fam went to my Uni’s football game, while I stayed at home because I didn’t want to go and have to deal with all the super good tailgating food…..yet I stayed at home and ate anyways( big fuckign whoops) ….. my sisters boyfriend was over and they were all getting ready to go to the game and I was like “I am so hungry, I cant stop eating, I never get full I am addicted to food” ( like I was saying it in a totally serious way but in a way that my sister and her bf would think it is mostly a joke…if that makes any sense at all…lol) because my mom wouldn’t let me eat any of the tailgating food because I was “being a bitch and not going to the game” so like all I wanted was one bite of the soup she made, just one bite to try it, and I was getting so frustrated just because of my own curiosity. And then right after I said the thing about me never getting full my sisters bf was like “yeah I find that hard to believe since your so skinny” and then my sister was like “poor noelle, she just doesn’t know howww to eat, because mom gives her mixed messages, one day she yells at her not eating enough, then the next day she wont even allow her one bite of food” and then we all just started laughing because it was sooo true. Thanks mom, I will blame all my issues on you. Ha.

So I just found out that because of HR 1256 the family smoking prevention and tobacco control act that was passed into law on sept 21 that kretek cigs, clove flavored cigs, and any other flavored cigarettes are ILLEGAL in the USA! Oh my god. I love Djarum cloves. Like I love love love them, they are one of my favorite things ever, I love how they taste, how they smell, how they give me something to do when I spend all day not eating, how they give me an excuse to walk outside and enjoy the sunshine when I have been stuck inside reading boring ass books for 3 hours in a row. I am so sad, like I had nooo clue, because the last time I went to the smoke shop was before sept 21st, and I bought 3 packs, so I haven’t been back since just out of sheer busyness/procrastination. So I have like Djarum clove cigarettes left, and I am just so sad about it, like I am in possession of an illegal substance technically I guess hahahaha. Goddddd. So now idk what I am gonna smoke….i guess they have Djarum “little filtered cigars” but who knows if they will be as good. I might try out a bunch of different “little cigars” that are clove/other flavored….primetime happy hour little cigars come in Appletini flavor, and they are the same size as cigs, I may try them. But I am just sad anyways. I am mostly sad because one of the main reasons this law got passed was because “flavored cigarettes make youth more likely to try smoking” sooo basically just supervise your damn kids and let me, someone who is 19, smoke my cloves in peace.

span>

Well anyways I confessed to me being a fatty this weekend. I promise I will do better. I want to be skinny for so many reasons. I always regret eating every time I do, I want my parents to worry about me, I want girls to say I am sickly thin, I want to fit into any outfit and look good in it, I want to regain the control I one had. Only 15 lbs to loose until I am 95. If I lost 20 lbs in 2 months last year, I can loose 15 lbs in 2 months this year! I need to do this!