What I hate is the fact that I cant cry. I want to cry, but I cant. Because when I cry my eyes get all puffey my lips turn red, eyes bloodshot, and my face gets blotchy….and it takes a good few hours beforeit returns to normal. I cant cry because since I am at home I will have my parents or my sisters or my dad ask me “whats wrong?” and I don’t feel like trying to explain myself. I cried last night when everyone was asleep, and surprise surprise my eyes were practically swollen shut this morning they were so puffy…no one asked my about it thank god.

I have to not care about anything or anyone, because as soon as I care about someone then their problems and sadness make ME so sad its like heartbreaking/crushing. That is why I distance myself from my mom, my dad, my little sister, everyone. I cant be close to them, because if I let myself care about them I will just become so overwhelmingly sad FOR them that it will tear me apart. So I have forced myself to not care about anyone, I force myself to not be close to them. Its like all or nothing. I have to hate my mom, because if I don’t hate her and if I care about her, I will be too sad. So hating her is easier then caring about her. Its easier to feel nothing/indifferent than to be sad.

….its kinda weird, I never really understood why I hated my family, but I think this is why, and it has taken me a long time to realize this.

Like I don’t care about world hunger, I don’t care about the homeless, I don’t care about sick people, I don’t care about genocide, I don’t care about ALL these things I should care about, but I feel totally indifferent about them, because if I let myself care it will make me so overwhelmingly sad, so I force myself/don’t allow myself to care about anything.

...ive accomplished so much school wise lately. i finished a final paper for one of my classes! woo! i wrote i think uhhh 1, 2, 3, 4 papers since i last blogged! jesus! school blows, thank god winter break is almost here. i am fucking huge i havent been to the gym in so damn long. my mom bought me sugar free coconut coffe syrup (0 cals) omg exciting/yum! <3 stay strong lovelies ill post probablly nxt week...sooo sooo busy!!