me

yep, that's me. pic from yesterday. it doesn't show off my figure well since its a dress/i'm all covered up. I took some GOOD pics of me in a cute outfit a couple days ago, but my sis deleted them off her camera. :( I weigh like 110 again. fuck. I need to lose weight. I am almost on summer break, I am studying for my Med-Surg final right now....kinda. I can not wait to be on my 10 day break from school, no studying, just the gym and starving...untill then I am just sitting on my ass studying all day long. ughhhh.

I went shopping yesterday, I was about to go to the gym and one of my best friends called and since I hadn’t seen her since august I definitely was gonna choose seeing her over the gym, by the time we got home the gym was closed. I bought a cute shrug/sweater type thing for 9 dollars. I didn’t bother shopping for jeans because my ass shrinks outta jeans quick when I am loosing weight, which I plan on doing. I will buy myself a nice pair of designer jeans (on sale of course) when I am too small to fit into all my current size 0 nice jeans, or when they don’t fit me tight anymore. I weighed 108 this morning. boo. But I will take it, I will work with it.

My legs are SO sore from my run on sat. ahhhh. Ahh!!! I just realized its memorial day so the gym is closed!!!! Lame. I was actually gonna go today. I don’t want to run outside due to the fact my legs are too sore to run, they could do a treadmeal or elliptical at the gym, but not a run…and due to the fact that on my last 3 mile run around my neighborhood I saw a homeless looking man on a bike, and a creepy truck drove past me about 6 times, and I was beginning to suspect either he was A. lost or B. trying to scope out where I was running from/to in order to see where I live or C. wanting to abduct me! Haha. Im paranoid. But seriously us young girls gotta watch our backkk. Ill just catch up on homework today and hope someone invites me to hang out.

PS my blog wont let me follow anyone OR view my followers! Wtf. Its been like this for a while, anyone know how to fix it???

I weighed 107 this morning! probably dehydration, but its still nice to see. Woo!
Yesterday I ran 3 miles, in about 30 mins, haha SLOW me. But it was outside, there was hills and I stopped to walk a few times and I was running on empty, literally.

My fam had a memorial day bash yesterday and they BBQ’d and baked a cake and made pasta, but I didn’t eat any of it, none of it even looked good to me. Nothing. I tried a bite of the cake, it tasted JUST okayyy, so I spit it out. The pasta was JUST okaaaay also, so id dint bother. I seriously was hungry and would have ate IF there was anything I liked. But there is nothing that appealed to me. Ha, so it worked out for me. I just drank black coffee and diet pepsi all night.

My little cousins were sitting down to eat dinner, and this is right when I cut a piece of cake to try, and right before I go to eat the cake my 4 yr old cousin says “did you eat something healthy first?” hahahaha, and of course I didn’t eat anything, or anything healthy, but I thought it was sooo cute that sheeee was inquiring to me if I had ate something healthy before I had desert, lol cuz I knowww her parents have her eat dinner before she can have any treats. Haha so I lied and said yes I ate salad and a hotdog and pasta first, because I want to set a good (although fake) example to her. Hahaha. it was funnyyyy, she even pointed her finger at me when she asked, lol.

Funny stuff ppl said to me recentally: my uncle came over a week ago and he was like “god it looks like you lost 100 lbs, you look gaunt, sick” and I DID look sick, because I was TIRED from nursing clinical and I had no makeup on so I look pale/sickley without it. And I just said “no I definitally haven’t lost any weight, im just tired” and he goes “well don’t get so tired that you forget to eat”
I was trying on a dress with a slip to see if it was STILL see-thru with the slip I had bought and I was having my sisters examine it and try to see if they could see my underwear thru the dress with the slip on under it and my older sister said I looked like “an anorexic vampire” lol. Anorexic because she thinks I am skinny, and vampire because I am PALE.
I had my sis take a pic of me last night cuz I was wearing a cute new top and I had my hair curled, and I was like "oh let me take my jacket off for this pic", and she was like “no keep it on, your bony shoulders will show if you take your jacket off, and you already have the mary-kate look goin’ on as is”

CRAZY how do people think these things when I see everything SO totalllly different. Like what the hellllll. Everyone is crazy with totally wacky perceptions. I see the truth, and the truth is I got about 15 lbs left to go before I look even close to good.

Ahh! Ive been SO busy lately. I feel good though, I weighed 109 this morning. I have been living off of pink grapefruit and asparagus. I also have my nursing clinical at a family practice clinic this week, so I am gone for about 9 hours a day tues-fri doing that. I have been eating 1 cup of special K cereal, combined with 1 light Yoplait yogurt, I mix them both together in a bowl, it is SOOO GOOD. So its about 200 cals. It makes it so filling when you combine the yogurt with the dry cereal. Then for lunch I pack some almonds, about 1/8th cup (70 cals), and ½ cup of special k cereal (50 cals) (dry…I hate milk in my cereal), and some craisins (100 cals) and then ill have a mall amt of whatever my mom cooks for dinner. I eat lunch when I am at my clinical because it is SO important for me to be on point. I mean I am giving injections, and charting, and ordering prescriptions, and dealing with human lives, so I need to be alert and energized when I am there. So I eat my lunch every day. I am such a slacker, I gotta go study for an exam tomorrow, which I haven’t studied at all for yet! Ahh!! Hope everyone is doing good!!!

I weighed 108 this morning!!!!! wow!! For a few seconds I thought I weighed 113 cuz I am so used to ALWAYS being at or abouve 110 that I saw the dial 3 notches above the bold one and I assumed it was the 110 bold line, but nooo no silly eyes it was the 105 bold line that the dial was 3 notches above. Woo! Exciting. im probablly just dehydrated though, and thats where the 108 came from

This last week I worked at a pediatric clinic. Another student from my nursing class was working there too, and on lunch we would go walk around for 1 hour for exercise. It was nice because she is a lot like me in a lot of ways about food, like how she feels SO much happier/better/everything is good when she is thin, how she skips lunch and breakfast and only eats a small dinner. Stuff like that. At the clinic the nurses were like “where are you going” and we said to walk around, and they asked if we were eating lunch and we said no, and they said “no wonder you are both so skinny” lol. Also at the party this girl who I would consider to be skinny was like “omg your like a twig, your tiny”. Ughh I think I drank too much last night, I am trying to remember some of the conversations I had and I cant they all blur together, and I think i was the drunkest person there, so I feel dumb because all the ppl who were less drunk than me probably thought I was lame. I mean I dano I am just insecureeeeee, I was just drunk, lol so whatever. Every time I go out I say I won’t drink SO much, but I always do. Fuck. I mean I didn’t take my top off or do cartwheels, or cry or anything STUPID but I just feel dumb because I honestly cant remember some of the conversations I had and I am worried I said some stupid shit. Fuck. oh well.
I need to study I am so fucking behind. Ahh!!

long time no post!

Hmm, what’s been goin’ on with me? I weigh 110, I was 109 yesterday. Not bad, considering I was like 111-113ish all last week. I did the 250cals for 10 days with my best friend, but waited to start it at the same time she did, so it has only been in progress for 5 days. Except I think I will HAVE to restart it cuz last night I drank so much.

Omg. I went to my bf’s house and mixed sprite zero with strawberry tequila. Probably like 6 shots at least, and I’m semi-small not eating much so I got very drunk. I felt like hell so I went and made myself puke so I would feel better, the onnnnly time I can puke is when I am drunk, any other time, no way in hell. I used my toothbrush. My bf asked me “have you been doing this regularly, puking with your toothbrush” and I told him no, cuz that is the truth, I haven’t made myself puke in agesss. I was so drunk that I kept trying to puke more and more, cuz I though nothing was coming out, since sprite is clear and the tequila was light pink, I guess I was looking for vomit that was therrrre in the toilet, but I was just too drunk to realize it so I kept trying to puke more and more. Ugh, I felt better after I puked though. And he told me this morning that “no one can drink tequila without puking, and it is the kinda alcohol you mix with margaritas or have ONE shot of, not multiple mixed drinks, if I have more than one shot I will puke”. So that made me feel better, in a way. I don’t usually get sloppy-pukey drunk. Well sloppy yes, haha but not pukey. I felt like shit this morning. the good news is there is NO food worth eating at my house.

I finished my first nursing clinical “rotation”. Which means I worked at the hospital and demonstrated “meets standards” nursing criteria. Woo! One down, about 8 more rotations to go. OMG I got to go into the OR and watch a c-section delivery when I was in OB, it was pretty cool, I got to witness the miracle of life! I also worked in the NICU, and I got to feed the newborns. I held a newborn for the first time in my life while I was at the hospital working in post-partum. I don’t have any nieces, or nephews or young cousins, so it was kinda exciting getting to see/hold a little newborn. They were pretty cute, I loved getting to hold them and feed them. Awwww.

The nurse I was with asked me “so do you eat much?” and I was like “what do you mean?” and she said “well you’re so tiny”. And I laughed and said, “oh yeah I eat a lot.” Everyone is always commenting on how small I am, but I AM NOT. It’s weird that people can think that and I totally and completely disagree. My older sister was up when I got home and she said that I look like “someone who lives in a mental institution and never eats” lol I think she said that because it was 11:30pm I was walking around in baggy PJ’s, dead tired, I’d just got home from the hospital, and all my eyeliner was smeared around. I kinda took it as a compliment, haha.

I have a huge ass exam tomorrow. Fuck. I need to study for it, and have not done so at alllll yet. Ahhh I have a huge to-do list. I have nursing clinical 8am-5pm all week at a pediatric clinic. Here comes a longgggg asss week.

I weigh 111-112ish today. Booo! My comp has been spastic lately so I haven’t been on blogger, sorry for the absence!

Uhm exciting news: I had my first official nursing clinical last week. I worked the night shift in the ER it was amazing, it was so fun, I loved it, it was one of those experiences where you are refreshed and feel even more certainty that you are doing the right thing. I always knew I wanted to be a nurse, but that night at the ER at the hospital made me just 200% sure. The nurse I worked with even told me that “he could tell I was going to be a good nurse, and that my heart is in the right place, etc. etc.” aka he complimented me a lottttt. He also told me that he is a “mean nurse” and he will tell students if he thinks they don’t have what it takes, and he will tell them “you should just leave now, or go sweep the floors of the hospital that is all your good for” haha. Thank GOD he didn’t think that about me. He was drillin’ me on a bunch of questions too, I can’t believe I remembered the answers, I’m glad I did because it made me feel even more competent. I had SO much fun, it was 8 hours on my feet, I didn’t sit down or take a break once that entire time. Omg I loved it so so soooo much. I work in OB this week for my nursing clinical at the hospital. But my 1 and only day in ER was total lovvvvve, I was in love with the whole experience. Okay enough about that….its totally random and unrelated. But I am excited and I am proud of myself for surviving my first day, I was SO nervous about it, just the anticipation of the whole thing, so now that the first day is over and done with I can relax a bit and enjoy it all. I also did good on my neurological test that I had been avoiding studying for, woo! Sooo I am feeling pretty damn good at the moment. And I am gonna hang out with my BF tomorrow, since we both have the day off, so I am excited about that.

Okay so 250 or less calorie days. For 10 days. I wonder how much weight I will lose? Hmm. Lets find out. I will document it to the T.